Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing. (Read 1387284 times)

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7075 on:** November 21, 2020, 11:15:02 am »

A man goes to a Newcastle hairdresser -

“I’d like a Perm please”

“Arret…Aah wundered lernerly as a clerd”

Roger W · « **Reply #7076 on:** November 21, 2020, 05:01:53 pm »

I s'pose I'd better put this here - though it happens to be true.

Grauniad headline on Yahoo news - "Coronavirus detected in Victorian sewage."

"I didn't realise it had been around as long as that!" I thought.

Then I read on and saw that the muppets were referring to a Melbourne wastewater facility in Australia...

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7077 on:** November 22, 2020, 07:43:16 pm »

I never thought my love life could make me quit my job at the apiary.

Then I saw her face…

Alex · « **Reply #7078 on:** November 23, 2020, 08:37:08 am »

Meanwhile, at a development house in India...

Your application "Goverment.exe" failed to compile...
Error in "Ministerial.cpp" on line 666, last edited by "Priti Petel".
Unexpected symbol "!" near "wanker".

Priti Petel has broke the Ministerial code again.

ZombieCake · « **Reply #7079 on:** November 23, 2020, 10:02:26 pm »

I was going to post a pun guide to the solar system but I haven't had time to planet.

Elaine · « **Reply #7080 on:** November 24, 2020, 09:46:19 am »

Quote from: tony from suffolk on November 22, 2020, 07:43:16 pm

I never thought my love life could make me quit my job at the apiary.

Then I saw her face…

Took me two days, but I got it!!

Pitlamp · « **Reply #7081 on:** November 24, 2020, 09:58:58 am »

Me too (two days) but . . . . now I'm a "bee leaver".

andys · « **Reply #7082 on:** November 24, 2020, 10:18:47 am »

Quote from: Pitlamp on November 24, 2020, 09:58:58 am

Me too (two days) but . . . . now I'm a "bee leaver".

Perhaps you were having a daydream.......

Pitlamp · « **Reply #7083 on:** November 24, 2020, 10:24:00 am »

Nay - I was distracted by speleological endeavour.

Duck ditch · « **Reply #7084 on:** November 24, 2020, 05:41:13 pm »

Reminds me of a joke my great nieces and nephews love.
Which bees do you get milk from?

Boobies.

Mark Wright · « **Reply #7085 on:** November 24, 2020, 06:05:18 pm »

• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7086 on:** November 26, 2020, 02:22:10 pm »

Last night I mistakenly drank a bottle of invisible ink. I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7087 on:** November 27, 2020, 08:44:03 am »

Went to a fancy dress party.
“What have you come as?"
“A harp.”
“That costume’s too small to be a harp!”
“Are you calling me a lyre?”

Laurie · « **Reply #7088 on:** November 27, 2020, 06:43:10 pm »

Tony's pulled his Christmas crackers already.....

pwhole · « **Reply #7089 on:** November 27, 2020, 07:08:55 pm »

I'm beginning to suspect that writing them is his main job - expensive crackers of course

ChrisJC · « **Reply #7090 on:** November 27, 2020, 10:05:07 pm »

Quote from: pwhole on November 27, 2020, 07:08:55 pm

I'm beginning to suspect that writing them is his main job - expensive crackers of course

They'd be a lot better than the usual crap you get in crackers. I'd pay extra for ones full of Tony's jokes.

Chris.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7091 on:** November 28, 2020, 04:45:29 pm »

He's making a list,
Checking it twice,
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!
Santa Claus is in contravention of the Data Protection Act (1998)

Duck ditch · « **Reply #7092 on:** November 28, 2020, 06:31:01 pm »

In order to push a squeeze I lubricated myself with washing powder. It was a bold move

pwhole · « **Reply #7093 on:** November 28, 2020, 08:19:20 pm »

Lubrication? What a Fairy.

aardgoose · « **Reply #7094 on:** November 28, 2020, 08:42:55 pm »

No vim nowadays.

Duck ditch · « **Reply #7095 on:** November 29, 2020, 08:29:09 am »

I’m afraid the dig has ended in a gap only centimetres wide. Now We are looking for a crack team to help us out.

andys · « **Reply #7096 on:** November 29, 2020, 09:42:05 am »

I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7097 on:** November 29, 2020, 11:25:55 am »

I was repairing the toilet in a church when I decided to become an atheist - I just lost faith in the cistern.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #7098 on:** November 29, 2020, 02:13:49 pm »

After the operation, Quasimodo changed his name to Humphrey.

TheBitterEnd · « **Reply #7099 on:** November 29, 2020, 08:27:59 pm »

For Christmas I’ve put up a marquee in my garden with flashing lights and funky music.

Is this the winter of my disco tent?