Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1321584 times)

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #425 on: December 19, 2006, 05:56:44 pm »
The memory is'nt what it was - sorry :'(
Up yer passage !

andymorgan

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #426 on: December 19, 2006, 11:48:16 pm »
At the risk of being frowned upon for posting something serious in a joke thread - E.Coli are naturally occurring bacteria in everbodys digestive tract. You would probably feel very ill if you didn't have them. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Someone gets poisoned by a particular strain of E.Coli and everyone then thinks that E.Coli are nasty bugs. Not true.
I agree with that you aren't always nasty, but you wouldn't be ill without them.

Luke Skywalker and Obe Wan Kinobe were in a Chinese restaurant. Luke Skywalker said "I can't use these chopsticks"

"Use the forks" said Obe Wan!

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #427 on: December 20, 2006, 06:00:23 pm »
football joke


why was the football pitch triangular?

because someone took a corner

Offline Brains

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #428 on: December 20, 2006, 06:33:52 pm »
Q. Whats the difference between marbles and babies?




A. You can't shift marbles with a pitch fork

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #429 on: December 20, 2006, 06:38:48 pm »
 :lol:

heres a old joke

whats black and white and read all over?

a newspaper

Offline Mark

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #430 on: December 20, 2006, 06:45:51 pm »
:lol:

whats black and white and read all over?



What about a Black and White Menstrual

Offline Brains

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #431 on: December 20, 2006, 06:50:43 pm »
or maybe a sunburnt penguin?

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #432 on: December 20, 2006, 06:52:04 pm »
 :shrug:

iv hear the 1 about the sun burnt penguin but iv never heard about the menstrual

Offline Brains

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #433 on: December 20, 2006, 06:53:10 pm »
Why dont polar bears eat penguins?



1) They cant get the wrappers off
2) It's to far to walk, swim, fly, or otherwise travel

Offline Brains

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #434 on: December 20, 2006, 06:54:49 pm »
What is red and screams?

A peeled baby in salt

=======

What is green and screams?

Freshly cut lettuce

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #435 on: December 20, 2006, 06:58:04 pm »
 :clap2: :bow: :lol:


im running out of jokes that i can think off

my joke tutor will be so mad wid me  :furious:

lol

Ditzy


Offline Brains

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #436 on: December 20, 2006, 06:59:42 pm »
Which bit of a vegetable cant you eat?


The wheelchair



Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #437 on: December 20, 2006, 07:00:52 pm »
i dont get it Brains can you exsplane plz

wormster

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #438 on: December 20, 2006, 07:06:51 pm »
why have babies got soft heads?


so's you can carry them in 5's

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #439 on: December 20, 2006, 07:08:57 pm »
 :lol:

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #440 on: December 20, 2006, 07:11:14 pm »
just though of 1

why could 2 snowmen only smell half of everything?

because the childeren only had 1 carrot

Offline Brains

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #441 on: December 21, 2006, 09:04:00 am »
Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in Cherry trees
-
How do elephants get out of the cherry tree?

Sit on a leaf and wait for autumn
-
And the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries....

hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #442 on: December 21, 2006, 08:25:13 pm »
Dear oh dear Ditzy :doubt: Is that the best you can manage today. I suggest a night spent with a feather duster in your nightie to try and inspire you for tomorrow.  ::)

Meanwhile some classic humour from your tutor

I went to a zoo last week and all they had was one dog

   It was a Shitzu

I went to another zoo and saw a big black bear asleep in his cage. I asked the keeper waht type of bear it was.

"Himalayan" came the reply.

"I can see that" I said "but what type of bear is it?"


Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #443 on: December 22, 2006, 06:06:42 pm »
hoehlenforscher is this 1 better?

Yankees -vs- Red Sox   
 

  A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!" 

Offline rhychydwr1

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Widow's Letter To God
« Reply #444 on: December 24, 2006, 09:56:00 am »


Widow's Letter To God
  There was a man who worked for the Post Office, whose job it was to
  process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came
 addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
 He thought he should open it to see what it was about.  The letter read:
 Dear God,
 I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension.  Yesterday someone stole my purse.  It   had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.  Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.    Can you please help me?
    Sincerely,
    Edna

The postal worker was touched.  He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.  By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she
would  be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
  Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.  We had a very nice  day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

  By the way, there was £4 missing.
  I think it must have been those  bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
   Edna

   

Offline rhychydwr1

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CONGRATULATIONS IF YOU WERE BORN IN THE
« Reply #445 on: December 24, 2006, 09:57:05 am »
 CONGRATULATIONS IF YOU WERE BORN IN THE

     1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

     First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

     They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

     Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

     We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

     As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

     We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

     We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

     We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

     WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

     We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

     No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

     We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

     We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound,no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

     We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
     lawsuits from these accidents.

     We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.


     We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

     We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

     Football teams had trials and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

     The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.They actually sided with the law!

     This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

     The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

     We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

     HOW TO

     DEAL WITH IT ALL!

     And YOU are one of them!

     CONGRATULATIONS!

     You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

     and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

     Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

     PS -The big type is because your eyes are deteriorating at your age






Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #446 on: December 24, 2006, 10:28:03 am »
           The Christmas Elf Massacre     
 
     Buy me a beer if you want the story told
Of why I moved down South from the frost and cold.
Why I’m knee deep in therapy, liquor, and pills.
Why I’ve given up charity in lieu of cheap thrills.


Why I loathe mistletoe, fruitcake and bells --
And why I’ll celebrate Xmas when it freezes in hell.
You’ll never see this elf make angels in snow.
Hey thanks for the booze – so I guess here it goes:


“Twas the night after Christmas in the North Pole
No creatures were stirring, not one lousy soul.
Santa’s house appeared eerily silent
But inside the fat man was hungry, was violent
.

This workshop of toys for kids of all ages
Was filled with elves quaking in cages.
Who woke up from their long winter’s naps
To find themselves snared in a devious trap.


Hours before I had been bingeing on nog
Passed out under the bed, I spied the whole saga.
I saw all my brothers rounded up in cages.
Sleepy victims of wicked midnight rampages.


Then what to my horrified eyes should appear
But a wild-eyed Santa pinching an elf by the ear.
Each little sprite shook in their tights and boots.
That this monster was Santa, no one could refute.


His size and his beard gave him away as St. Nick
His fangs and his scales made me quite sick
Blood seemed to stain his white fluffy trim
He was hunched, drooling, and disgustingly slim.

“Come little helper! Climb into my maw!”
He laughed, then casually ate the elf raw.
He greedily sucked the imp’s hide off the bone
I was awed! I was scared! I was truly alone!


Dainty elf paws clutched bars and cried
Drunk on deinal; confounded by why.
(He lost his count during his murderous spree
Thought he’d rounded up most, but forgot about me!)


His hunger was wracking his hunched-over frame
With a crippling appetite that didn’t know shame.
“Don’t eat us! We love you! Look at our faces!”
The doomed little elves made their sad cases


But Santa ignored them with a swipe of his fist
Pulled out some parchment and started a list:
“Silence, you nuggets – I’m trying to think
Who to char-broil, who to blend into drink.


Who to dice, fillet, bake or panfry
Who to boil in soup, who to stuff in a pie”
These taunts seemed so strange to come from a man
Who held the dreams of children in his hands


Teeth full of gristle, he then sadly revealed
To his captive chorus of angel-faced veal,
That humans are greedy, petty, drunk on their vices.
And each Yuletide revel exacts gruesome prices


These prices are paid by the magical gnomes
Who hammer the toys that clutter up homes.
The payment’s a life – one for each holiday sin.
Delivered by Santa, after his joyful break-ins.


Perhaps he was cursed by the Easter Bunny
Or an April Fool’s jester who thought it’d be funny.
The Great Pumpkin, Jack Frost or just maybe –
That jealous and bratty New Years Eve baby.


Maybe it was a clue, how well we were fed
On cookies, cakes, lard balls and bread.
But our nature’s to love, not to distrust.
So we hugged the fat Claus’s and finished each crust.


Ignorant to what would soon transpire
We’d collapse in heaps by the crackling fire.
Expecting the old man to come flying back
And start making next years toys for his sack.


But how does he have enough sprites for his belly?
The final act of sorrow starts as fetal elf jelly.
That ferments inside his wife until it’s a broth
Filled with thimble-sized elves that surge forth like froth.


And these newborn elves, spawned pure from her womb.
Don’t understand: their workshop is really a tomb
Their dimples are gumdrops, they sneeze pixie dust.
Santa doesn’t hate them – he’s cursed with a lust.


Elves are packed with vitamins A, C, and E
We’re awfully juicy, tart yet also fruity,
We go well with gravy and mayonnaise and toast
But casserole is how Santa likes us the most.


Barbequed, fricasseed, or flambéed
Sunny-side up, shish-ka-bobbed or flayed.
Prepared anyway, our flesh is quite delicious
And it’s not like toy-happy children will miss us.


Goodbye Carl, Zud, Sprinkles and Jan!
Blossom, Hortense, Cobweb, and Stan!
Julie, Miss Knickers, Fidget, and Ralph.
I’m sorry you’re dead, you wonderful elf.


A mouthed greased with fat, Santa then hibernated.
As Mrs. Claus squatted and grossly gestated
And all that is left of my cherubic siblings.
Was a pile of bells, curly-toed boots – mostly elf things


So much for good cheer! But don’t shed a tear:
This gruesome cycle has happened for hundreds of years.
And as the fist to survive Father’s murderous rout
In a month I stopped hiding and got the hell out.”

Now I spend my days soaking under a sun like a yolk
(Yeah, I wish I’d have saved all or some of my folk)
I now have a tan where the rum’s in supply.
Sewing up flags for Captain Fourth of July.
 
 
 

Tree Monkey

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #447 on: December 24, 2006, 12:07:24 pm »
Are you running a competion? To see who can come up with the longest story or crap!! :read: :lol:

Offline Mark

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #448 on: December 24, 2006, 04:05:37 pm »
Ditzy: look up joke in the dictionary, a few definitions below


Something said or done to evoke laughter or amusement, especially an amusing story with a punch line.
A mischievous trick; a prank.
An amusing or ludicrous incident or situation.

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #449 on: December 24, 2006, 06:14:12 pm »
what happened to the child who ate tinsel?

they got tinselitus

 

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