Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1227035 times)

Offline rhychydwr1

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Did you get this one?
« Reply #700 on: July 10, 2007, 03:13:34 pm »
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of
the rascally behaviour that was going on.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to
Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on
Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better
send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth
for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said,
"Yes, it's true.
The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5%
are being good." God was not pleased.

So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good,
because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a
little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?







Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one
either.



Walrus

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #701 on: July 10, 2007, 03:27:43 pm »
Do you know what the e-mail said?

Yes, thank you.  :halo:

Offline Rob

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #702 on: July 13, 2007, 10:39:40 am »
The end is where we start....

Offline bat

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #703 on: July 13, 2007, 11:08:53 am »
It might not be there van ! ;D
Gary

Offline ttxela

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #704 on: July 13, 2007, 11:15:02 am »
It might not be there van ! ;D

I still reckon you could get it out between those two bollards at the bottom of the picture......
If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this post you can contact our helpline on 0800........

Online Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #705 on: July 13, 2007, 12:12:00 pm »
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the British and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform" and "Sing Marching Songs"." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #706 on: July 13, 2007, 09:13:45 pm »
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!

Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She's the one with the dirty knees!

Q. What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
A. Speed bumps.

Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis...even a thought can raise it.

Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets.

Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear.

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

Q. What does a female snail say during crude sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!

Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.


Offline graham

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #707 on: July 14, 2007, 08:13:30 pm »
For Sale. One jeep cherokee, slight fire-damage, used for airport runs only. Interested? Contact Mustapha Skingraft.
Caving is for Life not just for Christmas

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #708 on: July 14, 2007, 09:22:24 pm »
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :thumbsup:


ken

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #709 on: July 15, 2007, 05:24:18 am »
The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

ken

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #710 on: July 15, 2007, 05:26:50 am »
There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."

ken

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #711 on: July 15, 2007, 05:30:34 am »
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a caving kit bag while we walk?"

Offline rhychydwr1

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Its a laff a minute here
« Reply #712 on: July 15, 2007, 11:35:13 am »




 
 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even
named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests
itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and
whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

wormster

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #713 on: July 17, 2007, 06:06:50 pm »
I know its not even midweek, but, this is priceless:

Only the names and location has been changed to protect the innocent. This is a true story

Recently an old friend of the family Martin had to go into hospital in liverpool for a left hip replacement operation. He went in 24 hours before as requested. On the morning of the operation a surgeon's assistant came onto the ward with a whole load of patient notes and a magic marker. The assistant reached Martin's bed and began to mark Martin's leg up for the impending operation. Martin remarked to the assistant that he thought the assistant was a bit low for a hip replacement as he was writing on his RIGHT ankle. "My goodness you're right." replied the assistant when he briefly checked Martin's notes. He wrote WRONG in large capital letters over Martin's ankle, and began to mark up Martin's RIGHT hip. Martin then pointed out that he was having his LEFT hip replaced not his right. The assistant checked the notes again, and wrote WRONG in large capital letters over Martin's RIGHT hip. Finally after reading the notes correctly, the assistant marked the correct area of Marin's anatomy (his LEFT hip) and left the ward. Martin duly went to theater and had the correct hip replaced and is now in fine fettle once more.

Offline rhychydwr1

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We Seniors
« Reply #714 on: July 18, 2007, 10:42:37 am »
We Seniors are more valuable than any of the younger generations:
We have silver in our hair
We have gold in our teeth
We have stones in our kidneys
We have lead in our feet
And we are loaded with natural gas


Offline Peter Burgess

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #715 on: July 18, 2007, 10:44:52 am »
...
We have silver in our hair
We have gold in our teeth
...

Only if you still have hair or teeth.......

Offline rhychydwr1

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More from West Wales
« Reply #716 on: July 18, 2007, 11:02:29 am »
A  farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when
he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down
from one of his fields.

Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man

"Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!"  (Don't drink the water. It's
disgusting!)

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear,
shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved
closer.

"Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!" (Don't drink.
Water's disgusting. Sheep crap in the water.)

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked
right up to the man at the stream and once again said

"Dwr yn ych-y-fi!  Paid a'i yfed!". (Water's disgusting. Don't drink
it!)

"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said
dear boy! Can't you speak English???" said the man at the stream in a
fine English accent;

"Oh I see," said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands
you can get more in..."


Offline rhychydwr1

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stop or slow down
« Reply #717 on: July 18, 2007, 02:36:47 pm »
A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a
small town in Tennessee, and gets pulled over by a
sheriff's deputy.  He thinks that he is smarter than
this hicktown deputy because he is a lawyer and is
certain that he has a better education.  He decides to
prove this to himself and have some fun at the
deputy's expense.


Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at
the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."


Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete
stop.    License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"


  Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come
to complete stop, that's the law.   License and  registration, please!"



Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license
and registration; and you give me the ticket.  If not,
you let me go and don't give me the  ticket."

Deputy says, " sounds fair.  Exit your vehicle, sir."
  At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick
and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the
lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or just
slow down?"


Offline rhychydwr1

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Bracelet
« Reply #718 on: July 18, 2007, 04:02:23 pm »
A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses
around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and  walks over to inspect
it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks
wind. Embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a
Salesperson doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her
worst nightmare materialises in the form of a Salesman standing right
behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism,
the  Salesman greets the lady with,

"Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the Salesman may just  not
have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks,

"Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're
going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #719 on: July 19, 2007, 08:05:16 pm »
Heard at the Wharton School.
Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

Offline graham

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #720 on: July 20, 2007, 09:14:37 am »
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail

(the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.


"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."












I've found Cod and I'm a prawn again Christian!
Caving is for Life not just for Christmas

Offline anfieldman

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #721 on: July 20, 2007, 09:36:05 am »
Groan.
You ain't seen me.......................right?

Offline rhychydwr1

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Civil Service
« Reply #722 on: July 30, 2007, 11:09:30 am »
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The
interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and
blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right
now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start
tomorrow.  Come in at 10:00 A. M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A. M.
to 4:00 P. M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A. M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says.  For the first
two hours we stand around scratching our balls.  No point in you coming
in for that."


Offline rhychydwr1

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Chinese Surprise
« Reply #723 on: August 01, 2007, 02:12:21 pm »
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

  "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"
 
Go down well when washed down with a bottle of oak aged ale?    :yucky:

Offline anfieldman

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #724 on: August 01, 2007, 09:11:38 pm »
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He
finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to
work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine
man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a
white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
 
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
 
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"
 
The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more sex and is
completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down.
But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."
 
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he
showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into
bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic
stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.…..

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*
*

His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"



You ain't seen me.......................right?