Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1443611 times)

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7375 on: April 14, 2021, 11:01:51 am »
Earlier today I saw a bloke running down the road with a cape on.

I shouted, "Are you a superhero?"

He replied, "No. I haven't paid for my haircut!"
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7376 on: April 14, 2021, 02:38:05 pm »
One of the weirdest things about being an adult is having a favourite hob ring, yet nobody talks about it.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7377 on: April 14, 2021, 04:56:34 pm »
I walked into a bar and asked the barman what he recommended.
"How about a rhetorical question?" He asked.
"Why not?" I replied.
Then he threw me out for bringing my own.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7378 on: April 15, 2021, 04:19:03 pm »
There's a girl who runs a battery kiosk in our local park? She sells "C" cells by the seesaw.
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7379 on: April 15, 2021, 05:13:10 pm »
Our local clairvoyant was whilstling to herself so I whacked her. I like to strike a happy medium.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7380 on: April 16, 2021, 09:06:09 am »
A friend asked me, "If you were stuck on a desert island and you could only have 3 records, what would they be?"

I said, "The long distance swimming one would be good!"
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7381 on: April 16, 2021, 05:09:27 pm »
I joined the long line of men outside my local hairdressers and the waiting time was so ridiculous that the owner organised some burgers and drinks for us.

It turned into the best barber queue ever

'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7382 on: April 16, 2021, 05:30:46 pm »
I made a chicken curry last night, but apparently they prefer corn.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7383 on: April 18, 2021, 11:18:26 pm »
ignore the above and try this

Quote
Dear xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more-than-prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue, have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer, I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and p***ant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.
In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores", whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system".

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee,
Customer Relations.
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7384 on: April 19, 2021, 05:18:01 pm »
My uncle went from being a 20 stone body builder to a 9 stone weakling in 6 weeks. He was later presented with atrophy.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Mark Wright

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7385 on: April 23, 2021, 07:04:30 pm »
Ordered a chicken and an egg today on Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7386 on: April 25, 2021, 05:21:26 pm »
Out walking on the fells, a man falls into a concealed shaft.  His wife calls after him "Are you okay?"
"Yeah"
"Are you hurt?"
"No, not a scratch"
"How come?"
"I'm still falling".
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7387 on: April 26, 2021, 10:53:34 pm »
The Premature Ejaculation Society Annual Dinner had limited amounts of food this year...

It was first come, first served!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7388 on: April 27, 2021, 11:33:32 am »
Sex between 3 people is called a threesome.
Sex between 2 people is called a twosome.

Now I know why some people are called handsome....
MNRC

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7389 on: April 27, 2021, 06:09:46 pm »
Scientists have found a food that diminishes sex drive by 95%...

It's called wedding cake!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7390 on: April 28, 2021, 06:29:06 pm »
Yorkshire proofreaders
Fighting the war against t'error
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7391 on: April 29, 2021, 02:07:32 pm »
Barry Cryer used to have loads of these on "Clue".

Tram - t'tup
Train - t'weather
Trump - th'arse
Trust - th'iron oxide
Trusty - th'industry
Truck - t'breakdown wi't ball on't deck
Trifle - t'gun

Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7392 on: April 29, 2021, 03:18:09 pm »
My ability to remember 1980's song lyrics far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7393 on: April 29, 2021, 05:01:33 pm »
Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon dieu, that was so arousing and erotic, but tell me, why before you kissed me, did you pour red wine on my lip?"

"I am Pierre, zee French fighter pilot, and when i taste the red meat, i have the red wine."

"Oh Pierre, that is so romantic, kiss me again, but lower this time!" and so he carefully unbuttons her blouse and lowers his head. But before he begins, he pours a little bit of white wine on her breast, and then, ravagement.

"Oh, Pierre, Pierre", she squealed, "again, so erotic, so arousing, so magnifique! but tell me, why this time, at my breast, the white wine?"

"I am Pierre, zee French fighter pilot, and when I have the white meat, I pair it with the white wine."

"Oh Pierre, Pierre, so romantic, so sensual, kiss me lower, kiss me lower!"

And so he gets down on his knne and lifts her bustle, pushing aside her bloomers and lowers his head. Just before he engages, however, he pours a little bit of cognac onto her pubic hair and sets it alight.

"PIERRE, PIERRE, WHY HAVE YOU DOWN THIS?" she cried, batting out the flames.

"I am Pierre, zee french fighter pilot, and when i go down, i go down in flames."
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7394 on: April 29, 2021, 08:52:46 pm »
Ven I red zis joke I had zer misgivings . . . I vondered if zer ace fighter pilot vos going to smother zer nezer regions of zer jolie fille avec chocolat cos 'e alvays end up in zer s***.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2021, 09:02:57 pm by Fulk »

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7395 on: April 30, 2021, 08:17:27 am »
"If we have a second date I'll give you flowers!"
"Orchids perhaps?"
"It's a bit soon for children Wendy".
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7396 on: April 30, 2021, 08:45:03 am »
My ability to remember 1980's song lyrics far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.
Where's the 'Sympathy' button?  :down:
MNRC

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7397 on: May 02, 2021, 04:59:28 pm »
A man walked into a bar, ordered 5 Whiskeys and downed them incredibly quickly.

The barman said "Wow! That was quick!"

"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replied the man.

"Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.

"No money" the man answered.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7398 on: May 02, 2021, 07:16:53 pm »
Called the vets this morning...

"Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."

 "Ok what's the problem?"

"He's holding his head to one side."

"Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"

"Haven't you got anything sooner?"
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7399 on: May 03, 2021, 02:35:29 pm »
I went to the Helium Museum yesterday.

I can’t speak highly enough of the place.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

 

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