Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1499585 times)

Offline AR

  • Black shadow
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1557
  • PDMHS, ATAC, ANHMS
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7650 on: October 18, 2021, 12:14:35 pm »
Mirror??? Bloody luxury, when I were a lad us 'ad to look into a muddy puddle...
Dirty old mines need love too....

Offline Roger W

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2488
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7651 on: October 18, 2021, 02:23:31 pm »
Waste candles on a cake?

When I were a lad we stuck 'em on neb of our 'at to go caving!
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline Laurie

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2359
  • ...and then there was one.
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7652 on: October 19, 2021, 12:04:30 pm »
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
MNRC

Online tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3187
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7653 on: October 20, 2021, 06:00:50 pm »
Just thought I'd nip over to my gran's and, fair play to her at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3187
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7654 on: October 21, 2021, 05:55:02 pm »
Me: "I think I'll open this kitchen drawer"

Potato masher: "The fuck you will!"
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline AR

  • Black shadow
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1557
  • PDMHS, ATAC, ANHMS
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7655 on: October 21, 2021, 08:56:24 pm »
Me: "I think I'll open this kitchen drawer"

Potato masher: "The fuck you will!"

Praise Anoia, may she rattle your drawers...
Dirty old mines need love too....

Offline Fulk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 4686
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7656 on: October 21, 2021, 11:32:33 pm »
Sorry . . . but could somebody explain?

Online pwhole

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3159
  • TSG, DCA, PDMHS
    • Phil Wolstenholme website
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7657 on: October 22, 2021, 12:10:43 am »
I believe it's a Discworld reference, but that's the extent of my knowledge - sort of passed me by :)

Offline AR

  • Black shadow
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1557
  • PDMHS, ATAC, ANHMS
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7658 on: October 22, 2021, 10:43:00 am »
It is - from "Going Postal".
Dirty old mines need love too....

Offline dibbler

  • newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7659 on: October 22, 2021, 04:04:03 pm »
Anoia is the Goddess of Things That Get Stuck in Drawers.

Offline Mrs Trellis

  • British Jobs for British Shirkers
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1422
  • Daft old bat
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7660 on: October 23, 2021, 07:28:03 pm »
I was in the bar when I suddenly needed to pass wind. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer, but noticed everyone was looking at me…

Then I remembered I was listening to my iPod!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Online pwhole

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3159
  • TSG, DCA, PDMHS
    • Phil Wolstenholme website
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7661 on: October 23, 2021, 07:50:09 pm »
Told to me by my six year-old niece this afternoon:

A man walks into a doctor's surgery with a live strawberry growing out of his ear. The doctor says: 'Do you want some cream for that?'

Online tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3187
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7662 on: October 23, 2021, 08:33:36 pm »
Got the wife a pug dog as a present the other day. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat the dog seems to like her.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline martinb

  • forum star
  • ****
  • Posts: 695
  • In Normandy, France, not close to Limestone
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7663 on: October 23, 2021, 09:24:10 pm »
Anoia is the Goddess of Things That Get Stuck in Drawers.

Ah, your nom de plume, is that CMOT dibbler?

Online tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3187
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7664 on: October 24, 2021, 08:40:09 am »
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3187
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7665 on: October 25, 2021, 08:26:04 am »
I went into the loft in my new house and found an old painting and a tatty violin.
This morning, I took them to an antiques expert.  He said:"What you've got there is a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt."
"However.... Stradivarius was an awful painter,  and Rembrandt made lousy violins."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Pitlamp

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 6215
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7666 on: October 25, 2021, 08:29:43 am »
Tommy Cooper beat you to it with that one! The way he told it is great, even though you now know what's coming. I hope this brightens up your gloomy Monday morning.   ;)


Offline Mrs Trellis

  • British Jobs for British Shirkers
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1422
  • Daft old bat
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7667 on: October 25, 2021, 09:03:21 pm »
I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream...

I can't wait to rub it in!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline andys

  • Outside its dropped to under zero, but I'm warm on here as a
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1787
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7668 on: October 26, 2021, 01:12:22 pm »
Me: "Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"
Dad: "You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four."
Me: "Dad, there's just the two."
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3187
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7669 on: October 27, 2021, 08:29:08 pm »
Last week, I got eczema, gonorrhoea, diarrhoea, and haemorrhoids.  That's the first time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Mrs Trellis

  • British Jobs for British Shirkers
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1422
  • Daft old bat
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7670 on: October 28, 2021, 11:52:19 am »
Sad news, my obese parrot died today.

Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline Mrs Trellis

  • British Jobs for British Shirkers
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1422
  • Daft old bat
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7671 on: October 28, 2021, 07:32:22 pm »
I was so worried the mechanic would rip me off because I confessed I knew nothing about cars...

Imagine my relief when he said I only needed indicator fluid!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline andys

  • Outside its dropped to under zero, but I'm warm on here as a
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1787
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7672 on: October 29, 2021, 05:45:43 pm »
I showed the damaged remains of my  luggage to my lawyer and said, "I want to sue the airline for this."
"You don't have much of a case," he replied.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Mrs Trellis

  • British Jobs for British Shirkers
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1422
  • Daft old bat
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7673 on: October 30, 2021, 09:38:06 am »
Has anyone lost £2,000 wrapped in elastic bands?

I've found your elastic bands!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline Laurie

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2359
  • ...and then there was one.
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7674 on: October 30, 2021, 10:24:44 am »
Is 'fast food' what people eat during Lent?
MNRC

 

Main Menu

Forum Home Help Search
SimplePortal 2.3.5 © 2008-2012, SimplePortal