Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1499572 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7675 on: October 30, 2021, 07:12:58 pm »
I discovered that answering the door naked really deters those pesky trick-or-treaters. Oh, here's a couple more, dressed as policemen…
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7676 on: October 31, 2021, 05:30:01 pm »
I did a degree in politics. In the exams, we got extra marks for not answering the questions.
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Offline royfellows

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7677 on: October 31, 2021, 06:12:15 pm »
I did a degree in politics. In the exams, we got extra marks for not answering the questions.

or better still, talk for an hour without actually saying anything
My avatar is a poor likeness.

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7678 on: November 04, 2021, 04:27:57 pm »
Banks should do a better job at keeping their ATM's filled.

That's the 5th one I've been to today that's said 'insufficient' funds!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7679 on: November 04, 2021, 07:16:33 pm »
Woman - “Who are you?”
Voice - “I am death”
Woman -  “Are you…here for me?”
Voice - “No. I come for your indoor plants”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7680 on: November 05, 2021, 08:45:04 am »
Last year I got booed by my family and friends because the fireworks I lit went off in the wrong sequence...

Bang out of order!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7681 on: November 07, 2021, 01:03:18 pm »
I've just installed a new "007" doorbell.

It goes "Dong.     Ding Dong."
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7682 on: November 07, 2021, 02:31:39 pm »
A quick British translation guide:

Meanings of "we'll see"
1. No

Meanings of "maybe"
1. No

Meanings of “could do”
1. No

Meanings of “I’ll think about it”
1. No

Meanings of “let’s talk about it later”
1. No

Meanings of “I’ll see how I feel”
1. No
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Offline Oceanrower

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7683 on: November 07, 2021, 02:59:05 pm »
I've just installed a new "007" doorbell.

It goes "Dong.     Ding Dong."

Nope. Don’t get it…

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7684 on: November 07, 2021, 03:27:58 pm »
Me neither.

Offline paul

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7685 on: November 07, 2021, 03:46:27 pm »
Quote
It goes "Dong.     Ding Dong."


"Bond. James Bond" ?
I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing!

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7686 on: November 07, 2021, 05:50:01 pm »
My new book of innuendos is out now…

I'm happy to give you one or you can order them online and the postman will slide one into your letterbox!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7687 on: November 07, 2021, 08:08:06 pm »
I was out when the book on Innuendos I ordered was delivered so the driver left it in my back passage.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7688 on: November 07, 2021, 10:47:11 pm »
Quote
It goes "Dong.     Ding Dong."


"Bond. James Bond" ?

Still don't get it.

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7689 on: November 08, 2021, 09:13:20 am »
There was a scandal at the Heinz factory which was supposed to be kept in house…
They just fired someone for spilling the beans!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7690 on: November 08, 2021, 11:34:07 am »
BREAKING: Strong winds have blown the roof off our local cheese factory...

There's de brie everywhere!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline lumenchild

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7691 on: November 09, 2021, 03:19:00 pm »
This is Caving, in a nutshell.

always love life, remember you are made from stardust you where born to shine!

Offline hyweldavies

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7692 on: November 09, 2021, 08:39:53 pm »
I was out when the book on Innuendos I ordered was delivered so the driver left it in my back passage.

Lady in a bar asks for a double entendre
.... so the barman gave her one

Another lady asks for a single entendre
.   so the barman f***** her

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7693 on: November 10, 2021, 07:01:30 pm »
My friend looked at his watch, sighed and said, “My wife will be on the plane now”.
I said, “I didn't know she was going on holiday”.

“She's not,” he said, “She's taking an inch off the kitchen door”.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7694 on: November 11, 2021, 09:27:37 am »
I couldn’t undo the buttons on my jumper, tried pulling it over my head but it got stuck...
I’m in A&E now - waiting to see a cardyologist.
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Offline pwhole

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7695 on: November 11, 2021, 10:05:09 am »
An audio joke for a change, which covers all the subjects we're interested in - discovery, access, conservation, media attention and rescue - it's all here. I used to listen to this constantly when I was six, despite my mother's reservations that the lyrics may have contained more ambiguities than my little mind could cope with:


Offline alanw

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7696 on: November 11, 2021, 10:15:15 am »
Jacke Thackray taught English to an (ex, knackered knees) caver friend of mine. Anyone here remember Ollie from Kettlewell?

Offline Pie Muncher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7697 on: November 11, 2021, 11:19:11 am »
 :thumbsup:
Growler

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7698 on: November 11, 2021, 08:16:01 pm »
When boiling a lobster, put elastic bands around its claws. This will stop it from leaning over the side of the pan and turning the gas off.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline RobinGriffiths

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7699 on: November 11, 2021, 09:08:56 pm »
It'll be difficult to find anyone that this one won't offend, but I still tittered...


Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."

So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun." Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.

 

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