Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1472473 times)

Online Roger W

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2473
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7550 on: July 15, 2021, 02:14:33 pm »
"Nope," he said.  "There's no body there that I recognise.!
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3140
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7551 on: July 15, 2021, 04:06:15 pm »
Because of the appalling weather conditions, I'm getting concerned about the shed in our garden.
 It wasn't there yesterday.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline GarDouth

  • Gary Douthwaite
  • Administrator
  • stalker
  • *****
  • Posts: 257
  • YCC & NPC
    • York Caving Club
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7552 on: July 16, 2021, 10:33:37 am »
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
CNCC webmaster
Hidden Earth lecture secretary & webmaster
York Caving Club secretary

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3140
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7553 on: July 17, 2021, 08:47:08 pm »
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.  She's made me an appointment for next Tuesday.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2345
  • ...and then there was one.
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7554 on: July 18, 2021, 09:55:47 am »
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.  She's made me an appointment for next Tuesday.
We'll miss you.  :kiss2:
MNRC

Offline TheBitterEnd

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1613
  • KCC
    • KCC - Join an active club
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7555 on: July 22, 2021, 11:25:14 pm »
Them: "Who's skull is that"

Me: Raising it to my lips and taking a drink "It's Philips"

Them: "What's in it"

Me: "Vodka and orange juice"

Them: "..."

Me: "Its a Philips head screw driver"
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline PeteHall

  • Global Moderator
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1935
  • ChCC, WCC, SWCC, WCDG
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7556 on: July 22, 2021, 11:35:58 pm »
Them: "Who's skull is that"

Me: Raising it to my lips and taking a drink "It's Philips"

Them: "What's in it"

Me: "Vodka and orange juice"

Them: "..."

Me: "Its a Philips head screw driver"

Umm, didn't we have that a couple of days ago: https://ukcaving.com/board/index.php?topic=15997.msg347126#msg347126

Offline Laurie

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2345
  • ...and then there was one.
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7557 on: July 23, 2021, 10:22:43 am »
Have faith in the Pfizer vaccine.

They make Viagra as well.

If they can raise the dead they can easily support the living
MNRC

Offline RobinGriffiths

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1260
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7558 on: July 23, 2021, 10:33:04 am »
Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra."
Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?"
Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!"

Offline sinker

  • stalker
  • ***
  • Posts: 259
  • O-Level woodwork BlockbusterVideo Gold Card
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7559 on: July 23, 2021, 10:38:01 am »
Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra."
Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?"
Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!"

Doctor prescribed his patient half a Viagra every day.

Patient's Mrs asked him why?

Doctor said "At the least it will stop him pi$$ing on his shoes."



Ah, well, now, you see...erm...

Offline GarDouth

  • Gary Douthwaite
  • Administrator
  • stalker
  • *****
  • Posts: 257
  • YCC & NPC
    • York Caving Club
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7560 on: July 23, 2021, 11:45:05 am »
I've just woke up in hospital after an industrial accident and said: "Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
Doctor says: "that's because we've cut your arms off".
CNCC webmaster
Hidden Earth lecture secretary & webmaster
York Caving Club secretary

Offline sinker

  • stalker
  • ***
  • Posts: 259
  • O-Level woodwork BlockbusterVideo Gold Card
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7561 on: July 23, 2021, 01:11:47 pm »
I've just woke up in hospital after an industrial accident and said: "Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
Doctor says: "that's because we've cut your arms off".

My Mrs woke from a coma, could barely see or hear anything.

"Where am I? Who's there?"

Doctor yells "Mrs Sinker, you've had an accident and been injured. We think you may have been left partially blind and deaf"!

"Oh no! I'm blind and deaf!"

Doctor held his hand in front of here face and yelled "How many fingers have I got up....?"

Mrs yells back:

"Oh God I think I'm paralysed as well!"

Ah, well, now, you see...erm...

Offline crickleymal

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1232
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7562 on: July 23, 2021, 04:10:51 pm »
Split up with my girlfriend Lorraine today. She found out I'd been seeing Carrie-Lee behind her back.

I can see Carrie-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3140
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7563 on: July 24, 2021, 10:55:48 am »
So the winner of the first event of the Olympic Games was in the 10 metre Air rifle competition. I wonder if they were presented with a gold medal or anything off the bottom shelf ?
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline sinker

  • stalker
  • ***
  • Posts: 259
  • O-Level woodwork BlockbusterVideo Gold Card
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7564 on: July 24, 2021, 12:33:57 pm »
So the winner of the first event of the Olympic Games was in the 10 metre Air rifle competition. I wonder if they were presented with a gold medal or anything off the bottom shelf ?

Hahahahahahahaha  :lol:  :lol:   :lol: :lol:  :lol:   :lol: :lol: :clap2: :clap2:
Ah, well, now, you see...erm...

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3140
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7565 on: July 25, 2021, 07:19:09 am »
I have a new hobby - bell ringing.

Just three hours twice a week. It's very therapeutic and I would like to do it more often, but it seems to aggravate the bus driver.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Mrs Trellis

  • British Jobs for British Shirkers
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1360
  • Daft old bat
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7566 on: July 27, 2021, 07:07:39 pm »
Police have confirmed that the world's slowest talking criminal has just completed a three year sentence.
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3140
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7567 on: July 29, 2021, 08:07:47 am »
I was so suspicious and paranoid about my wife having an affair, that we moved to the Shetland Islands. I couldn’t believe my luck when we still managed to keep the same window cleaner.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Mrs Trellis

  • British Jobs for British Shirkers
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1360
  • Daft old bat
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7568 on: July 29, 2021, 10:34:33 am »
Research shows that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty minute jog…

So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline mudman

  • obsessive maniac
  • ***
  • Posts: 457
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7569 on: July 29, 2021, 10:45:56 pm »
This was surreal.... yesterday I was driving along behind an ambulance. Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time for me to be a good Samaritan so I pulled over and retrieved it. Curious I made the mistake of opening it….there was a human toe packed in a bag on ice 😱😱😱.
After getting over my 🤢🤮🤢 I  thought someone probably really needs this, so, I called the  hospital and told them what I saw, they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box!'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?
The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck......."

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3140
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7570 on: July 30, 2021, 08:05:17 am »
Last night I was arrested at a gender reveal party. How was I supposed to know it was just about the baby?
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3140
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7571 on: August 01, 2021, 01:12:31 pm »
“But officer, what am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?”

“Just keep it Ma'am; if you can collect four, you get a bicycle”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3140
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7572 on: August 02, 2021, 05:40:12 pm »
A world-famous heart surgeon drops his 7 Series BMW into his local dealership for a service.

A mechanic catches him & says “Take a look at this Doc, I think you’ll find it interesting”.

He then shows the surgeon a stripped-down engine from a BMW M5 & tells him “I’ve got to rebuild this engine so that it performs like new. I take it apart, re-bore the cylinders, fit new cylinder liners, new valves, camshafts, cam followers & skim the head before putting it all back together to within a tolerance of fractions of a millimetre. Exactly like your job, eh Doc?”

“Yes” agrees the surgeon.

“Well,” continues the mechanic, “how come I earn £30,000 a year & yet you earn £300,000 a year?

The surgeon replies “Try doing it while the engine is still running”.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3140
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7573 on: August 02, 2021, 08:38:58 pm »
I've just released my own fragrance.
The people on the bus didn't seem to like it.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3140
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7574 on: August 04, 2021, 08:48:18 pm »
I bought one of those smart light switches, but it was too clever for me...

So I replaced it with a dimmer switch.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

 

Main Menu

Forum Home Help Search
SimplePortal 2.3.5 © 2008-2012, SimplePortal