Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing. (Read 1416144 times)

Mrs Trellis · « **on:** October 14, 2005, 12:41:14 pm »

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit Mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! - He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,:-

"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know, Mum" he blubbers,"but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."

AndyF · « **Reply #1 on:** October 14, 2005, 01:06:06 pm »

Two eggs in a frying pan.

first one says "It's hot in here"

other one says "Holy crap, a talking egg!!"

Mr Fell · « **Reply #2 on:** October 14, 2005, 06:35:22 pm »

Anybody fancy a cheap night out - tickets for the two Ronnies - half price.

Dave H · « **Reply #3 on:** October 15, 2005, 10:58:20 pm »

Elton John was going to play a tribute song at Ronnie Barkers funeral - four candles in the wind!

Mr Fell · « **Reply #4 on:** October 20, 2005, 06:01:41 pm »

It`s Friday tomorrow - with the prospect of beer and caves over the weekend - dont forget the Friday joke - rude or otherwise. I would oblige but have not been told any recently. That Wolfart has loads of gags - all non PC.

andymorgan · « **Reply #5 on:** October 21, 2005, 12:44:17 pm »

I came home the other night and the wife said

'have you seen my flip-flops?'

I said
'I've seen them before, now put your bra back on'

Mr Fell · « **Reply #6 on:** October 21, 2005, 05:41:38 pm »

:P Ha Ha good one !

Slug · « **Reply #7 on:** October 21, 2005, 06:05:18 pm »

Novice Nun: "Mother Superior, I've been told that there's a dozen cases of Syphylis in the vilage".

Mother Superior: " Thank God for that,,I'm getting Pissed off with this bloody Beaujolais".

Mr Fell · « **Reply #8 on:** October 21, 2005, 06:07:36 pm »

Q What is the difference between Arthur Scargill and Michael Jackson?

A Arthur Scargill has not seen a miners helmet for years ! ?

Wolfart · « **Reply #9 on:** October 21, 2005, 08:17:21 pm »

ANYONE GOT ANY TRAFALGER OR NELSON JOKES? JUST SO I CAN WIND UP THE WOODWORK TEACHER AT SCHOOL COS HE'S A STAUNCH PATRIOT AND WILL BE SPENDING THE NIGHT AT THE VICTORY INN AT HEREFORD

Brains · « **Reply #10 on:** October 21, 2005, 08:27:29 pm »

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/humor/0001076.html
Try him with this one, although it doesnt really sound like the Admiral to me...

Anon · « **Reply #11 on:** October 21, 2005, 08:33:57 pm »

Quote

Try him with this one, although it doesnt really sound like the Admiral to me...

You just beat me to it on that joke! :D

Slug · « **Reply #12 on:** October 28, 2005, 11:41:49 am »

William Shakespear walks into a Pub and says, " Can I have a pint please",

The landlord says " No. You're Bard "

pisshead · « **Reply #13 on:** October 28, 2005, 11:49:04 am »

that is terrible! :D

what do you call a man with no shins?

Tony

wallop · « **Reply #14 on:** October 28, 2005, 12:04:28 pm »

Thats bad!!!

Billy Butcombe · « **Reply #15 on:** October 28, 2005, 01:11:48 pm »

This bloke phones the council and says `Can I have a skip outside my house'. The guy on the other end says `Sure - you can dance skip hop anything' :P

Billy Butcombe · « **Reply #16 on:** October 28, 2005, 01:12:39 pm »

Going to rain on Sun - drat no caving :evil:

wallop · « **Reply #17 on:** October 28, 2005, 02:17:11 pm »

Good try!!

Where did you get that joke from?

Billy Butcombe · « **Reply #18 on:** October 28, 2005, 03:34:57 pm »

Joke came from a student we have doing a placement

No caving came from the met office website :twisted: :evil: When I get myself into gear I can usually dredge up a good few jokes but not all are PC.

Mr Fell · « **Reply #19 on:** October 28, 2005, 06:20:02 pm »

Ah ha - Mr Butcome I presume - the co conspiritor in the disproportionate consumption of the cubic foot of Merlot no less! I can vouch for the shocking nature of your jokes - quite clean that one by your own standards !

Cap'n Chris · « **Reply #20 on:** October 28, 2005, 11:49:06 pm »

What's blue and f**ks old women?....

Me, in my lucky blue coat!

Mr Fell · « **Reply #21 on:** October 29, 2005, 08:03:40 am »

Q. What is long, thin, covered in skin; red in parts, and is shoved in tarts?

A. Rhubabarb !

Mr Fell · « **Reply #22 on:** October 30, 2005, 01:04:11 pm »

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?"

Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner..... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."

Mrs Trellis · « **Reply #23 on:** November 01, 2005, 02:45:01 pm »

But not as bas as :-

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

Mr Fell · « **Reply #24 on:** November 01, 2005, 05:55:15 pm »

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an LP record in the window of a charity shop 'Wasp noises from around the world'. Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it.

"Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"

The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track. After a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused.

"No, I still don't recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?"

The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head.

"It's no good. I just don't recognise any of these wasps"

The assistant peers at the label of the record and says "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side"

:roll:

Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing. (Read 1416144 times)

Dave H

andymorgan

wallop

wallop