• Win a Rab Nexus Pull-On with the 1st of the Inglesport Fabulous 5 competitions!

    Caption competition, closes Friday 25th April

    Click here to enter

Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

My best friend?s wife left him last week. She said she was going out for milk, but never came back.

I asked him how he was coping. ?Not too bad,? he said; I?ve been using some of that powdered stuff?
 
The husband and wife owners of our local Chinese takeaway have recently divorced.

She's gone back to Shanghai.

He's gone back to Wang Kin.


 
Next time you are feeling down, remember life is all about perspectives.

I have a mate. He has sex 2-3 times a day, Gets regular exercise at least twice a day, reads a couple of new books every week, has his own little garden he loves to work on....


And yet all he does is moan about how much he hates prison life.
 
Court news:-

A local man was up in Court charged with stealing a set of Samsonite luggage. The trial Judge said it was one of the hardest cases he?d ever dealt with?..
 
I saw a man with a white stick get arrested the other day, simply walking down the street, so I made some enquirees.

It turns out he was illegally blind.
 
E9v3ygNX0Ao7cSL
 
Doctor:  just try to avoid eating anything fatty.

Patient: What like Sausage and Chips?

Doctor: No fatty, just try to avoid eating anything
 
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased?s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, ?I don?t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.?
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, ?Whatever this cost, I?m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I?m very grateful. How much did you spend??
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
?There?s no charge,? he says.
?No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!? she says.
?Honestly, ma?am,? the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband?s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
Then it was just a matter of switching the heads?
 
A happy 90-year-old man walked into the doctor?s office. He was all smiles and laughed with the nurses and staff, until they brought him in to see the doctor. The doctor examined him and told him he should start eating better, because his health was not in that great a shape.
The old man was surprised, he said to his doctor, ?I?ve never felt better. I have an 21-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that??
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, ?I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.
When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ?bang, bang? and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?? The 90-year-old said, ?I?d say somebody else killed that rabbit.? The doctor smiled,
?My point exactly.?
 
An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '?10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for ?10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Lincoln
There, at the cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for ?10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled to York , Durham and Liverpool
In every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same '?10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving the N of England decided to travel to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same phone.
He arrived in Cardiff, and again, as he entered the cathedral , there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Reverend, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England the price was ?10,000 per call. Why is it only 50pence here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Wales now, son .... it's a local call.'
 
Back
Top