Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1166673 times)

tubby two

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Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #50 on: November 21, 2005, 10:38:10 pm »
Ha ha ha! Two parrots on a perch- brilliant! thats got to be my new favourite joke! It's even bumped this ol' classic into second place-

"Did you hear about the magic tractor?....


... It turned into a field".

tt.

(sorry folks, thats about the level of my humour).

wallop

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Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #51 on: November 22, 2005, 09:26:00 am »
A  beautiful woman was walking down the street when
she was approached by a
man.

The man said, "You are perfection, I must have you
right now!

I'll drop £500 on  the ground at your feet

and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can
have had my way with

you roughly from behind!"

The woman thought it over  and told the man to wait a
minute.

She called her friend on her mobile phone and  told
her about the man's
proposition.

Her girlfriend said, "He's  an idiot,

take it cos when he drops the £500 on the ground I'm
sure you can pick it

up and run before he even gets his pants down."

Call me back and tell me  what happened." The friend
says.

An hour and a half later the   lady had still not
called back

so her friend called her,

"Well? What  happened?" the friend asked.

The lady said,  


"The [email protected]  had it in 50p's" :oops:  :oops:  :shock:

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #52 on: November 22, 2005, 10:05:11 am »
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that
she is no longer pregnant; frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins!..... A boy and a girl.

The babies are fine now however they were poorly at birth and had to be
christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother...he's a fecking, clueless, gob****e!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise."


Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

























"Denephew''
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline Brains

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Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #53 on: November 22, 2005, 11:24:17 am »
What do you call Bambi with his eyes poked out?
No eye deer...
And if you cut his legs off?
Still no eye deer...
And then it turns out he was the love child of a sheep?
Still no eye deer ewe bastard!


BTW, wht did the pervert cross the road?











Couldnt get his dick out of the chicken :shock:

Offline AndyF

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Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #54 on: November 22, 2005, 02:13:05 pm »
What's brown and sticky...











A stick
"Life's a pitch, then you fall down one..."

Offline AndyF

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« Reply #55 on: November 22, 2005, 02:17:00 pm »
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but god knows how they got in there...



How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

They can't do it, it's a hardware problem...


How many Miscrosoft salesmen does it take to change a light bulb..?

They can't do it right now, it'll be fixed on the next release....
"Life's a pitch, then you fall down one..."

Offline Brains

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« Reply #56 on: November 22, 2005, 02:31:18 pm »
This works better after 10 pints of [insert alcoholic drink of choice]....

Why is a snake called a snake?
Because of its inherrent snake like properties...


How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only 1 but the bulb has to really want to change....

Whats the difference between a Rotweiler and a social worker?
With luck you will get your children back from a rotweiler...




What comes steaming out of Cows backwards?

The Isle of Wight ferry...

Limestone_Cowboy

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Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #57 on: November 22, 2005, 02:52:04 pm »
Whats blue and square?





An orange in disguise! :roll:

Offline Brendan

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« Reply #58 on: November 22, 2005, 03:42:00 pm »
Whats the difference between a midwife and a walrus?





Ones ugly and smells of fish,and the other one is a walrus
The original underground extreme ironer

Offline Wolfart

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« Reply #59 on: November 22, 2005, 05:56:51 pm »
JUST FOUND THIS ON THE NSS SITE.It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and two feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says,

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache".

 :lol:  :lol:
Paint it black Specus Lupus

Offline Brains

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« Reply #60 on: November 24, 2005, 08:23:02 pm »
What is yellow and runs off a 13Amp plug?


































George Best

Offline Billy Butcombe

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« Reply #61 on: November 25, 2005, 09:47:39 am »
`Mummy mummy - do they have xmas decorations in Vietnam'.

` Yes dear - this year they are hanging Glitter' !!! :lol:

Offline Brains

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« Reply #62 on: November 25, 2005, 10:04:59 am »
Blunkett was given a cheese grater last Christmas, apparently it was the most violent book he had ever read...

Offline Mrs Trellis

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« Reply #63 on: November 25, 2005, 10:23:53 am »
Man making love to a woman of very loose morals, she suddenly says :-
"Hey, you haven't got AIDS have you ?"
"Certainly not !" said the passionate love maker
"Good" she says "Wouldn't want that again !"
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline danthecavingman

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« Reply #64 on: November 25, 2005, 11:57:18 am »
:( Bad news, George Best has entered his final hour.

 :lol: Good news! It's Happy Hour!
You see that Taxus baccata.........that's Yew that is........

Offline Mrs Trellis

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« Reply #65 on: November 25, 2005, 11:59:41 am »
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
"When you die and go to Heaven...which part of
your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline Mr Fell

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« Reply #66 on: December 01, 2005, 06:34:02 am »
I know its not quite Friday - but what the hell ............     Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his seventy-two years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.



Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.



After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah 'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. "Let ' s go back tae mah place."   So they go back to her place and had great sex.



Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that wash good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold
ma bawlsh in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."  



Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but agrees anyway.



Sean sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.



Then Sean says, "Lulu, that wash wonderful, but if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my bawlsh in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand ".



Lulu is now used to the routine and complies.



The results are mind blowing.



Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer bawls in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin? "



Sean replies, " No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole ma wallet.
 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Up yer passage !

Offline Mr Fell

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« Reply #67 on: December 08, 2005, 05:46:16 pm »
No swearing but very funny :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

http://ihimlen.dk/flash/prutjulesang.htm
Up yer passage !

Offline cave junky

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« Reply #68 on: December 08, 2005, 05:58:12 pm »
There were two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a simple gesture, brings them both to life.

The angel tells them 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as giggling sounds come from the rustling bushes.

After fifteen minutes the two return out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them 'You still have fifteen minutes left.'

The male statue asks the woman statue, 'Would you like to do it again?'

'Oh yes. Let's,' she replies. 'But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poo on its head!!'

(Taken from http://www.virginradio.co.uk/thestation/25000_joke.html)

Ally
'Through the unknown we will find the new'

Offline Mrs Trellis

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« Reply #69 on: December 09, 2005, 12:22:57 pm »
A blonde in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
" Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the blonde:-
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a pr0n film. The main stud was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was Swedish ."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and present her to the girl, who immediately gives the baby a smack on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline Mr Fell

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« Reply #70 on: December 16, 2005, 06:00:05 am »
Police have admitted that George Best was not laid to rest in Belfast. They have also said that it was something of a mistake to cremate him in Hemel Hemstead  :shock:
Up yer passage !

Offline Billy Butcombe

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« Reply #71 on: December 16, 2005, 09:00:19 am »
You sicko Mr Fell  :lol:  :lol:

Offline Mrs Trellis

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« Reply #72 on: December 16, 2005, 09:52:01 am »
Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a
sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off
his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
about.

"Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening, If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw
in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
from deep inside He also tore off his clothes and ran into the
opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the
huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some
really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening
and hollered with all his might.....
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO,
WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....




































NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

wallop

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Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #73 on: December 16, 2005, 12:23:28 pm »
Ted came home from the club late one Friday evening stinking drunk,

as he       often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

 

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

 

 When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed

 wearing a long flowing white robe.

 "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Ted, "and what are you doing in my

bedroom?".

 

 The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St

Peter".

 

Ted was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much

To live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back

 straight away".

 

 St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can

 only send you back as a dog or a hen." Ted was devasted, but knowing there

 was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A

 flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking

 the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange

 feeling welling up inside him.

 

 The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are

 you enjoying your first day here?"

 

 "It's not so bad" replies Ted, "but I have this strange feeling inside

 like I'm about to explode".

 

 "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

 

 "Never" replies Ted

 

 "Well just relax and let it happen"

 

 And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out

from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his

 emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first

 time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness wasoverwhelming

 and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever

 happened to him... ever!!!

 

 The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an

 enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Ted,

 wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"

 :lol:  :lol:

davepinch

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Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #74 on: December 16, 2005, 12:49:49 pm »
Every morning this big German Sheppard come's and has a crap on my lawn...... the bastard... this morning.... he brought his dog with him..

Sorry  :lol: