Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1320777 times)

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #525 on: February 09, 2007, 08:38:02 am »
Australian woman goes in to a police station to make a rape complaint.

"Can you describe the man for instance nationality or occupation?"

"I think he might have been an English cricketer" says the woman

"Why did you think that?"

"He wasn't in for long"

Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline badger

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #526 on: February 12, 2007, 09:58:05 am »
The Year's Best (actual) Headlines Of 2006:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[hmm!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Do they ever read what they write?]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?


james

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Monday's joke
« Reply #527 on: February 12, 2007, 06:10:52 pm »
What do you call 4 dogs and a black bird?






















The Spice Gills

 :) :) :)

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #528 on: February 12, 2007, 06:14:46 pm »
  :);D :lol:

wormster

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #529 on: February 13, 2007, 06:15:01 pm »
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #530 on: February 13, 2007, 06:48:54 pm »
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
 

Walrus

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #531 on: February 14, 2007, 08:53:05 am »

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'Whats ur mum like'


Little girl replies 'Big c*cks and Vodka




A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY SLOWLY?' the waitress leaned over and said..........'Burrrrr? gurrrrrr? king'.



Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack.
Ann walks into office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off...........
'You better jack off , I've got a headache'.



Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?'
The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse!!!!



A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door
of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet
across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and
grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk,

"Dddooo youuuu hhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we
do have dildos. Actually we have many different models."

The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk
onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong, aandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk
that Vvviiiibbbrrraaatttteeesss?"

The clerk responds, "Yes, we do."

The poor old lady replies "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhowww tttooo
ttturrrnnn ttthe fffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
 


An elderly couple had just got married and were on honeymoon. While she slipped into bed in her skimpiest nightdress he went into the bathroom. After he had been in there a while she went looking for him and found him struggling with a condom.
"Why are you bothering with one of those?" she asked. "I'm eighty-two, I can't get pregnant"
"Yes" he said, "but you know how dampness affects my arthritis"



A science teacher stood in front of her class and said: "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said: "I'd have gold because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche"
The teacher nodded and called on Samatha
Samatha said: "I would want Platinum because it's worth more than gold and I'd could have a Ferrari.
The teacher smiled and called on little Jimmy.
Little Jimmyy stood up and said: "I would want Silicone"
"Silicone?" said the teacher. "Why silicone?"
Little Jimmy said: "Because my mum's got two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house"

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #532 on: February 14, 2007, 08:31:13 pm »
doctor doctor
i only have 59 seconds to live

ok will you just wait a minute
 :)

Online rhychydwr1

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Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
« Reply #533 on: February 15, 2007, 09:40:56 am »

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will 
probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand 
closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required 
pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course.  He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex 
drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the 
street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh.




Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #534 on: February 16, 2007, 04:59:30 pm »

Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

james

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Drug sniffing Dog
« Reply #535 on: February 17, 2007, 09:22:48 am »
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
retriever in the seat between them. The first man looks very
quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he is a DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) agent and that
the dog is a"sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll
show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
"Watch this," He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks
along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for
several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on
the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat
number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat,
and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says,
"That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat
number for the police."
"Like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and
down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then
came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded
to shit all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this
behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act
like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

Offline graham

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #536 on: February 19, 2007, 08:02:43 am »
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth.... Can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth." he says. "Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"
Caving is for Life not just for Christmas

Offline menacer

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #537 on: February 19, 2007, 04:41:02 pm »
INDIAN MATING SEASON....
Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening, If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might... "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO,  WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!


Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

tubby two

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #538 on: February 19, 2007, 08:01:27 pm »
This isn't a joke, but it is worth it. Somone sent me a nice little chuckle inducing email with pictures (the funny bits). However, i'm not technically adept enough to post them on here. Any ideas how i can get them on? They are currently gifs and jpegs in an email.

Ta.

tt.



p.s. whats the difference between arthus scargill anf michael jackson...... arthur scargill hasn't seen a minors helmet in years.

p.p.s. what happened to jesus when he went to mount olive...... popeye smacked him.


Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #539 on: February 19, 2007, 08:47:40 pm »
i was talking to my dad and he was messing around and said to me that i was going to get birdflu from eating chicken nuggets and i said to him dont be so stupid that isnt even possible because chicken isnt a bird but ofcorse it is lol

Dep

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #540 on: February 19, 2007, 09:15:52 pm »
i was talking to my dad and he was messing around and said to me that i was going to get birdflu from eating chicken nuggets and i said to him dont be so stupid that isnt even possible because chicken isnt a bird but ofcorse it is lol

Yes but chicken nuggets aren't really chicken! (At least not the sort of chicken I eat)

Highly unlikely the bacteria/virus will survive the process used to mechanically recover the meat and sinew scraps from old chicken carcasses. That's why they're made into 'nuggets' - it starts life as a gooey pulp!

Seriously: I would rather take my chances with a turkey from that same farm than eat chicken nuggets.

Have you ever heard of a chap called Jamie Oliver - Google for 'Jamie and Turkey Twizzlers'...

Offline Anon

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #541 on: February 19, 2007, 09:33:09 pm »
Quote
i was talking to my dad and he was messing around and said to me that i was going to get birdflu from eating chicken nuggets
If you like chicken skin/MRM nuggets then this place is ideal: http://infanity.org/nuggets/  :shrug:

Quote
Have you ever heard of a chap called Jamie Oliver - Google for 'Jamie and Turkey Twizzlers'...
Thats one thing that has puzzled me, why was just one product singled out when there is large amounts of other processed crap being dished up daily to the youth of today?

Dep

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #542 on: February 19, 2007, 11:46:12 pm »
Because it's like a specimen case - one prime example singled out and held up for examination.
But when Jamie Oliver goes on about 'turkey twizzlers' he really means the whole gamut of poor quality MRM based crap foods.

Offline Greg Jones

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #543 on: February 20, 2007, 09:05:42 am »
 >:(I thought this was a jokes thread
Renegade!

Walrus

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #544 on: February 20, 2007, 09:21:29 am »
Its almost like the Story Game - starts off well then deteriorates into the usual drivel!  ::)  hehehe   :lol:

Offline graham

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #545 on: February 23, 2007, 04:09:47 pm »
An Irishman, an Aussie and a Scouser are sat in the pub when a guy who looks just like Jesus walks in. So they each buy him a pint, a Guiness, and lager and a bitter. Greatful for their kindness Jesus goes over and shakes hands with the irishman, "Bless you" and the irishman's bad back is cured "Thank you father!".

He shales hands with the Aussie, "Bless you" and the Aussie's arthiritis is cured "Thank you father!"

He walks towards the Scouser, the Scouser looks amazed at the healings he's just witnessed, he looks at Jesus "Don't you f**king touch me you c**t!"
Caving is for Life not just for Christmas

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #546 on: February 23, 2007, 06:15:05 pm »
 :)
Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!

Online rhychydwr1

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Parking tickets
« Reply #547 on: February 24, 2007, 12:39:11 pm »
Subject: Parking Tickets
 
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went
downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes
and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I
went up to him and said, Come on, man, how about giving a retired
person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I
called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I
abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I
came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets
on had a bumper sticker that said "Hilary in '08". I try to have a
little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
 


Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #548 on: February 24, 2007, 05:10:19 pm »
This chap with 60% burns is lying in his hospital bed. The Dr comes along and tells the nurse "Give this man two Viagra". Nurse says "Do you think that will really help"? Dr replies " No - but it will keep the sheets off his legs"     ;D :thumbsup:
Up yer passage !

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #549 on: February 26, 2007, 08:55:11 pm »
why did the mexican man push his wife of a cliff?
toqkiellr

 

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