Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1321907 times)

Online Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5950 on: March 02, 2018, 04:07:05 pm »
Clear evidence of T'Ode Man at work!
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5951 on: March 03, 2018, 03:39:01 pm »
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room..

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
MNRC

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5952 on: March 04, 2018, 12:14:00 pm »
The Pope and the Dali Lama were sat down together having breakfast.

The Pope says "I think I can see the face of Jesus in the margarine"

The Dali Lama turns to him and says

"I can't believe it's not Buddha"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5953 on: March 06, 2018, 01:52:16 am »
Walking home from work tonight I got hit by a rental car.

It Hertz!
MNRC

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5954 on: March 06, 2018, 10:23:55 am »
"Mummy, where do babies come from?"

"Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside mummies."

"Do mummies eat it?"

"Only if they want new shoes."

"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5955 on: March 06, 2018, 05:14:04 pm »
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my Word.
MNRC

Online Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5956 on: March 06, 2018, 05:17:55 pm »
Came out of the house today and found a great heap of dead insects on the pavement beside my door.

Those damn fly tippers again!
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5957 on: March 08, 2018, 10:26:16 am »
The wi-fi wasn't working last night, so I chatted with my wife for a change. I was surprised to learn she no longer works at Woolworth's.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5958 on: March 08, 2018, 02:16:12 pm »
Today is International Women's Day.

It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

(Sorry Pegasus!)
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5959 on: March 08, 2018, 04:35:45 pm »
Today is International Women's Day.

It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

(Sorry Pegasus!)
If I remember correctly, it's now taken a year and a day to get ready..... ::)
International Women's Day was meant to be yesterday, but it took them longer than expected to get ready.
MNRC

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5960 on: March 08, 2018, 05:48:21 pm »
If I remember correctly, it's now taken a year and a day to get ready..... ::)

Whoops sorry - I didn't have to to check because I had to do the ironing and make tea before her highness got home!
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5961 on: March 11, 2018, 09:13:04 am »
I bought a book on anger management the other day.
Then I bloody lost it.

"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5962 on: March 14, 2018, 12:01:03 am »
From the late Mr Dodd:

"A lady came up to me the other day, she said, 'hello handsome can you tell me the way to the opticians?' "

"How do you make a a blonde laugh on Sunday? Tell them a joke on Wednesday."

"I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."
« Last Edit: March 14, 2018, 12:13:49 am by ZombieCake »

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5963 on: March 16, 2018, 08:20:33 am »
My wife's parking is unparalleled.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5964 on: March 20, 2018, 07:02:43 pm »
They were saying on telly tonight that Yorkshire has the worst potholes in the country.

That's funny. I thought we had the best.
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5965 on: March 20, 2018, 07:18:38 pm »
Luvvit   :clap2:
MNRC

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5966 on: March 22, 2018, 07:49:34 pm »
I dig
you dig
he digs
she digs
it digs
we dig
they dig

Not a particularly beautiful poem. But very deep.

Offline Les W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5967 on: March 23, 2018, 12:53:31 pm »
It has been seriously tough beating my addiction to the hokey cokey.

But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.
I'm a very busy person

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5968 on: March 24, 2018, 09:49:46 am »
Couple get into bed.
He starts to kiss his wife.
She turns over & says "I'm sorry, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over & taps his wife.
"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5969 on: March 24, 2018, 11:55:47 am »
My wife told me: ‘Sex is so much better on holiday.’ I've got to say, that wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5970 on: March 24, 2018, 11:06:55 pm »
Remember to check your punctuation at all times...

There's a maypole dancer

Theresa May, pole dancer

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5971 on: March 26, 2018, 02:23:52 pm »
Instead of ‘British Summer Time’ and ‘Greenwich Mean Time’ why not just call it ‘Oven Clock Correct Time’ and Oven Clock One Hour Out Time’.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline shotlighter

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5972 on: March 26, 2018, 02:37:20 pm »
Instead of ‘British Summer Time’ and ‘Greenwich Mean Time’ why not just call it ‘Oven Clock Correct Time’ and Oven Clock One Hour Out Time’.
Or in my case, car clock.
Just enjoying it being right for the 1st time in months. 😊

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5973 on: March 26, 2018, 02:40:13 pm »
Or in my case, car clock.
Just enjoying it being right for the 1st time in months. 😊
Horray! I'm not the only one  :lol:
MNRC

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5974 on: March 29, 2018, 12:41:45 pm »
Its a fact - 90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

 

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