Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1318478 times)

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #625 on: May 02, 2007, 11:59:33 am »
Errm, what is this thing called "golf"

It's about doing your thing by getting into small, awkwardly placed holes in the ground after a nice walk through the countryside wearing brightly coloured clothing and then bragging about the difficulty of doing it afterwards in licenced premises.

No link with caving then.  :-\
Mrs Trellis
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North Wales

Walrus

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #626 on: May 02, 2007, 12:12:17 pm »
Errm, what is this thing called "golf"

To coin a phrase, "a good walk spoiled".

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #627 on: May 02, 2007, 12:40:55 pm »
When Lester Piggott was sent to jail for tax fraud, he ended up sharing a cell with a 6' 8" tall, tattooed and heavily muscled East End villain.

"'Ello!" says the villain. "and welcome to this 'ere prison cell wot I've been stuck in on me own for many years. Nice to 'ave a bit o' company, 'cos I've got very lonely. I fink it would be nice to play some games, like...DOCTORS AND NURSES. Or....MUMMIES AND DADDIES! Seein' as 'ow you're new 'ere, I'll let you choose what to play first!"

Lester, terrified, mumbles "Errrr. Mmmmummies and Dddddaddies?" "OK, so what do you wanna be, MUMMY or....DADDY?"

"Errr, DDaddy?"

"Right. OK then, DADDY! I want you to come over 'ere, and suck mummie's cock!"
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline shotlighter

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #628 on: May 02, 2007, 08:26:12 pm »
When Lester Piggott was sent to jail for tax fraud, he ended up sharing a cell with a 6' 8" tall, tattooed and heavily muscled East End villain.

"'Ello!" says the villain. "and welcome to this 'ere prison cell wot I've been stuck in on me own for many years. Nice to 'ave a bit o' company, 'cos I've got very lonely. I fink it would be nice to play some games, like...DOCTORS AND NURSES. Or....MUMMIES AND DADDIES! Seein' as 'ow you're new 'ere, I'll let you choose what to play first!"

Lester, terrified, mumbles "Errrr. Mmmmummies and Dddddaddies?" "OK, so what do you wanna be, MUMMY or....DADDY?"

"Errr, DDaddy?"

"Right. OK then, DADDY! I want you to come over 'ere, and suck mummie's cock!"
Wasn't he the first 6'8" bloke to ride a Derby Winner?

Online rhychydwr1

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Another blonde joke
« Reply #629 on: May 03, 2007, 09:14:16 am »
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and
pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her
flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting
flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like
spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #630 on: May 03, 2007, 09:15:55 am »
if you want a laugh how about this ...
i was told by another member of the forum that gullable isnt in the dictionairy and i went and asked my mum if it was or not.

Online rhychydwr1

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Cocaine
« Reply #631 on: May 03, 2007, 09:19:08 am »

"Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Rangi. He's hiding cocaine inside
his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
Early next morning, police officers descend on Rangi's house in great
numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is
kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no
cocaine. They swear at Rangi and leave.
The phone rings at Rangi's house.
"Hey, Rangi, Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yeah."
"Happy Birthday bro!"


Online rhychydwr1

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Always wear clean underpants
« Reply #632 on: May 03, 2007, 09:33:18 am »
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle.
A Walsall couple drove their car to Asda to do some shopping only to
have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people
near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his
private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP
his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her
feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The A A mechanic,
however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Online rhychydwr1

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Coffee break
« Reply #633 on: May 03, 2007, 09:38:16 am »
A charter flight took off from Gatwick enroute to Majorca - the captain
gave his usual 'welcome on board speech', then pushed the button to
recline his seat, and said to his co-pilot " What I need now is a cup of
coffee and a blow job!"

As he had left the cabin intercom on, this was heard by all the
passengers. The senior air stewardess on hearing the captains remark
rushed from the back of the plane to tell to switch his microphone off.
As she got close to the flight-deck door a voice from the back said loud
and clear,
"Oi! you've forgotten the coffee!


Online rhychydwr1

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Fire
« Reply #634 on: May 03, 2007, 09:40:37 am »
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his
wife,

"Ya now sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire
station..
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings -we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

"From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip
naked.
When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I say, 'Bell three' > we's gonna mek love all tru de night
girl."
The next night, he came home and shouted,
"Bell One" and the wife
Stripped naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make love!

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four"
WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied, "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE."


Online rhychydwr1

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Menopause Jewellery
« Reply #635 on: May 03, 2007, 09:44:51 am »

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring for Christmas so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns a lovely shade of green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
f**king red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond

Online rhychydwr1

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Southern Grandma
« Reply #636 on: May 07, 2007, 01:35:24 pm »
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie; you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I
know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."



Online rhychydwr1

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Gov't Official
« Reply #637 on: May 08, 2007, 11:55:16 am »
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and
talked with an old farmer.  He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your
farm."  The old farmer said "OK, but don't go in that field right over
yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the U. S.
Government with me.  See this card?  This card means I am allowed to go
WHEREVER I wish on any agricultural land....no questions asked or answered.
Do you understand?"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.  Later, he heard
loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture Rep running for the fence
and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.  The bull was
madder than a nest full of hornets.  The bull was gaining on the Rep at
every step.

The Old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!  Show him your card!!"


Online rhychydwr1

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Giving a presentation
« Reply #638 on: May 08, 2007, 11:59:35 am »
A new priest was so nervous at his first mass he could hardly speak.

 

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

 

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

 

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

 

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

 

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

 

1)   Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

 

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

 

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

 

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

 

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

 

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

 

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

 

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

 

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

 

10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

 

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it, for it is my body.”  He did not say “Eat me”.

 

12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.

 

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

 

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy’s.

 

 

The origin of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.  The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.

 

Do not keep this letter.  Do not send money.  Just forward it to twelve of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh.






Online rhychydwr1

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A Mathematical Formula for Getting Promoted In Life
« Reply #639 on: May 08, 2007, 12:02:55 pm »

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%. Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes 100% in life?

Here's a formula that might help you answer these questions.

If: A B C D E F G H I  J  K  L  M  N  O  P  Q  R  S  T U  V W X Y Z.
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

ASS KISSING
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while hard work and knowledge will get you close and attitude will get you there, it's the Bullnuts and Ass Kissing that will put you on  top.

But how about this equation:

WHO YOU KNOW  (Not what you know)
23+8+15+25+15+21+11+14+15+23 = 170%

THE WILL TO WIN
20+8+5+23+9+12+12+20+15+23+9+14 = 170%


Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #640 on: May 09, 2007, 08:52:56 am »
The Three Sons
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #641 on: May 11, 2007, 07:00:44 pm »
I am into extreme sports. Obviously caving is one of them; but I also eat frozen apples.


Its hardcore!

Online rhychydwr1

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New Virus
« Reply #642 on: May 16, 2007, 10:14:34 am »
NEW VIRUS
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there
Is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most
Advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it ..... So be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1950!

Symptoms of the Senile Virus:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

Remember???????????

I don't remember if I sent this one out.........
I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7. If all is not lost, where is it?

8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

20. It's not hard to meet expenses... They're everywhere.

21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!

24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . Absent minded...

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen... I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! I think...

 

 

Online rhychydwr1

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THE ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
« Reply #643 on: May 18, 2007, 03:42:14 pm »
Enjoy this one girls......................


THE ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE


It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are  female jokes. And there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love  it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy  middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take > her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive
stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.). Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her,  "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter  how kinky, for $20.00 -- on one condition." (There are always conditions!)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (Controlling, huh?). The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said . . .



(scroll down)









 "Clean my house."

 (YOU GO GIRL!!!)



Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #644 on: May 18, 2007, 03:54:33 pm »
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again ?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Darling ? Please ? Just once more before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Darling, I only have four hours left ! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline Dickie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #645 on: May 18, 2007, 04:04:22 pm »

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.


I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.


"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"


She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!


"Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"


She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!


"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"





So I hung up.

Amazin Razin rools OK!

Online rhychydwr1

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The little builder
« Reply #646 on: May 21, 2007, 06:43:17 am »
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot.
One day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said,

"I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewson deliver the f**king bricks."


Online rhychydwr1

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And at the other end of the scale...
« Reply #647 on: May 25, 2007, 03:21:46 pm »

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said,"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"

          *****************

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age.  How do You feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair,no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

           ******************

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

"So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

          ********************

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says,"No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

           **********************

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It

Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

" Twelve thirty ."

            *********************

Morris, an 82 year old man went to his doctor to get a physical. A few
days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful."

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'"

             **********************

and the last one...

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Aaaaahhhhhh "The Golden Years"







Online rhychydwr1

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Seven reasons not to mess with children.
« Reply #648 on: May 25, 2007, 03:44:29 pm »

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a
doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, she's dead."



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the
apples."




Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #649 on: May 25, 2007, 04:53:42 pm »
Drunken welshman returns from the pub on friday night with a sheep in his arms. His wife is in bed reading and looks up from the book when he says

"This is the pig I f*ck when you've got a headache"

"I think you'll find that's a sheep"  she replies, icily (in tones of chapel disapproval)

"I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

 

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