Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1216052 times)

Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6400 on: May 31, 2019, 11:14:06 am »
Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6401 on: June 01, 2019, 06:15:21 pm »
Two things that will never get old: dark humour and unvaccinated children.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6402 on: June 02, 2019, 09:33:26 am »
They say when confronted by a bear the best thing to do is play dead. When I came face to face with one in the woods the other day I accidentally played dad instead...
Now it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6403 on: June 05, 2019, 08:26:56 am »
I wanted to wash my dog so I put him in the bath. The daft mutt just lay there floating around.  I thought
"There's a good  buoy"
Malc
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6404 on: June 05, 2019, 08:54:04 am »
A man took his dog to the vet and asked for its tail to be cut off.
"Why do you want me to do that?" asked the vet. "Well," said the man "The mother in law is coming tomorrow and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6405 on: June 05, 2019, 04:10:34 pm »
Therapist: “What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?”
Me: “Sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead”.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6406 on: June 10, 2019, 04:14:43 pm »
Sad to hear the discoverer of wheat intolerance has died. The family have requested no flours.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6407 on: June 11, 2019, 02:05:45 pm »
The Police have been called to an incident where cows have got into a cannabis farm. The steaks have never been higher.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6408 on: June 13, 2019, 08:13:53 am »
"Did you enjoy your trout?" I asked.
"I sure did" he replied,  adding with a wink, "I could eat another one. "
But I knew it was just fishful winking.
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6409 on: June 13, 2019, 08:08:16 pm »
Have you been the victim of faulty double glazing?

You could be entitled to condensation!
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Pitlamp

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6410 on: June 13, 2019, 08:15:43 pm »
Many cavers are rather subdued in the Dales at the moment, after an awful lot of bad news over the last fortnight.

There's been some lovely jokes here recently; they've cheered me up a fair bit; thanks.

Please keep 'em coming!

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6411 on: June 14, 2019, 06:16:43 pm »
I bumped into an old school friend yesterday. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

"Why? Is she a stunner?"

“No, she's an optician."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6412 on: June 15, 2019, 01:32:53 am »
My ex-wife still misses me but her aim is starting to improve.
MNRC

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6413 on: June 20, 2019, 06:11:53 pm »
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6414 on: June 22, 2019, 10:04:12 am »
After 24 years together my wife still goes mad If I use her toothbrush.
If anyone has any other ideas about how you clean dog muck from the soles of trainers, I'm all ears.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6415 on: June 24, 2019, 10:39:39 am »
I went to the off-license yesterday on my motorcycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in my backpack. As i was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the motorcycle, the bottle would break so I drank all the whisky before I rode home. This turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my motorcycle 7 times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.
MNRC

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6416 on: June 28, 2019, 01:28:15 am »
Last month one of my mates was shot over 200 times with an upholstery gun.
I'm happy to say he's now fully recovered.
MNRC

Offline Oceanrower

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6417 on: June 28, 2019, 01:32:02 pm »
It's been a strange sort of a day.

First I found a hat full of money just sitting there on the pavement.

Then I got chased by an angry bloke carrying a guitar...

Offline Martin Wright

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6418 on: June 28, 2019, 03:03:26 pm »
You should all be grateful to me after I stuck up for you earlier.
My mate said you weren't fit to drink with pigs. I said you were.
 ;D

Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6419 on: June 28, 2019, 04:27:18 pm »
Just come back from a ballooning holiday.
I've put on 4 stone.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6420 on: June 28, 2019, 07:58:55 pm »
Her Maj was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury round the royal stables when one of her prize stallions broke wind with such gusto it couldn’t be ignored.
“Oh my,” said the queen. “How frightfully embarrassing. I do apologise.”
“Not to worry, your highness. It’s quite understandable,” said the bish. “As a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse.”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6421 on: July 03, 2019, 11:26:35 am »
Just a quick reminder to be careful if you set your sat-nav to the new "John Denver" voice: it will only take you home via country roads.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6422 on: July 03, 2019, 03:12:22 pm »
My colleague can no longer attend next week's Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6423 on: July 09, 2019, 08:47:53 pm »
Someone just threw a selection box of fresh choux pastry rolls at the side of my head.
I didn’t see it coming - maybe my profiterole vision is in decline.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6424 on: July 10, 2019, 01:21:30 am »
Someone just threw a selection box of fresh choux pastry rolls at the side of my head.
I didn’t see it coming - maybe my profiterole vision is in decline.
Gotta be the worse yet,,,,,,  ;)
MNRC