Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1222707 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6475 on: August 22, 2019, 08:33:11 am »
We just got in, and someone has stolen all the new turf we had laid last week.

My wife is out there at the moment, looking forlorn.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6476 on: August 22, 2019, 11:15:56 am »
A guy arrives at a fancy dress party piggy-backing his girlfriend, the bouncer at the door says "You can't get in like that, this is a comic book character party. Who are you supposed to be anyway?" he answers "I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and (pointing at his girlfriend on his back) this is Michelle".
MNRC

Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6477 on: August 23, 2019, 12:57:14 pm »
My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.
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Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6478 on: August 23, 2019, 07:07:41 pm »
I went swimming the other day.

Whilst having a pee in the deep end, the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.


Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6479 on: August 25, 2019, 07:25:48 am »
Even though I've gone bald I still keep the comb I've had for nearly 20 years.

I just can't part with it.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6480 on: August 25, 2019, 09:59:34 am »
I went into the butchers the other day.
"I bet you can't guess the weight of the meat on the top shelf." he said.
"I don't gamble, " I said, "the steaks are too high."
Malc
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Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6481 on: August 25, 2019, 09:30:11 pm »
The other day I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition.

I've no idea where I came

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6482 on: August 26, 2019, 05:07:50 pm »
The other day I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition.

I've no idea where I came

Probably in-front of the biscuit?
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6483 on: August 29, 2019, 12:00:33 pm »
Don't look at the sun through a colander, you'll strain your eyes.
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Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6484 on: August 30, 2019, 10:45:52 am »
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.
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Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6485 on: September 01, 2019, 08:41:29 pm »
Woke and kissed the person sleeping next to me this morning. 
Thought how lucky I was and it felt good to be alive. 
 
But apparently I'm banned from flying with that airline now. 
 
 
 
 
Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Online Oceanrower

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6486 on: September 02, 2019, 08:48:42 am »
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Englishman, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean

All go to a bar..

The doorman stops them and says "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6487 on: September 02, 2019, 07:17:15 pm »
I've had the shits for five weeks now, so I went to the doctors

He told me not to worry, they go back to school this week.
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6488 on: September 03, 2019, 10:23:14 am »
Last night my wife met me at the front door wearing just a sexy negligee. The trouble was, she was coming home.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6489 on: September 03, 2019, 11:51:05 pm »
Dad, can you tell me what an eclipse is?


No sun.


Maj.

Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6490 on: September 04, 2019, 07:01:49 pm »
You shouldn't wear Russian Y fronts

Because Chernobyl fallout
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline Antwan

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6491 on: September 04, 2019, 09:27:41 pm »
Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.
It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6492 on: September 05, 2019, 10:51:56 am »
A Polish migrant goes to his local optician for a check up

The optician shows him the first line of letters

"C,Z,W,I,Z,N,O,S,T,A,C,Z"

Optician "Can you read that"

Pole "Read it? Why the man is a good friend of mine!"

Offline rhychydwr1

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6493 on: September 05, 2019, 03:59:13 pm »
If money does not grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Offline cavemanmike

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6494 on: September 06, 2019, 06:38:22 pm »
Why do women make good archeologists.

Because they like digging up the past

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6495 on: September 06, 2019, 09:35:22 pm »
If money does not grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Of course money grows on trees. Where do you think paper comes from?
Malc
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6496 on: September 07, 2019, 08:45:33 am »
What’s the difference between Boris Johnson and Robert Mugabe?

One is a bumbling, overweight despot hell-bent on pursuing his personal vision irrespective of the disastrous consequences for his country.

And the other is dead.
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Offline cavemanmike

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6497 on: September 07, 2019, 10:53:31 am »
 
Boris Johnson

One is a bumbling, overweight despot hell-bent on pursuing his personal vision irrespective of the disastrous consequences for his country.
.

True story

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6498 on: September 07, 2019, 11:43:52 am »
Hi tony – I wish it (your latest offering) were a 'Friday joke'.

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6499 on: September 11, 2019, 12:27:03 pm »
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought "That's a little condescending "
Malc
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Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.