Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1271789 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6675 on: March 16, 2020, 08:23:00 pm »
At a monastic meeting in the middle ages the abbots were around the refectory table, talking.

“Unfortunately, we are having to deal with an increased number of leprosy cases” said Father Nathaniel. “I am rather worried for my brethren.”

“Oh dear” consoled Father Urban “Have you tried giving them the pancake and kipper diet?”

“Why, no we haven’t. Are pancakes and kippers good for leprosy Father?”

“Christ knows. But they’re the easiest things to get under the door.”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6676 on: March 17, 2020, 08:22:43 pm »
I Googled Covid-19.

Man, hasn't that gone viral?
MNRC

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6677 on: March 20, 2020, 05:04:04 am »
I never judge people on the colour of their skin, which is why so many of my patients died of jaundice.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6678 on: March 20, 2020, 05:01:33 pm »
Reminds me of

My farther used to say "never judge a book by its cover"

And that is why he lost his job as chair of the international book cover awards
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline Boy Engineer

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6679 on: March 20, 2020, 05:20:50 pm »
Reminds me of

My farther used to say "never judge a book by its cover"

And that is why he lost his job as chair of the international book cover awards


By the great Stewart Lee, in case anyone wanted an attribution.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6680 on: March 21, 2020, 06:59:41 am »
I just passed a dead hedgehog at the side of the road. It was even more painful than when I ate it.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6681 on: March 22, 2020, 07:29:43 am »
My wife is very upset with me. She found some letters I’d been hiding. She says she feels betrayed and has lost all trust in me.
I can’t say I blame her; I feel so ashamed…

I wouldn’t be surprised if she never plays Scrabble with me again.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6682 on: March 23, 2020, 06:45:49 pm »
I'm giving up drinking for a month.


Sorry, bad punctuation.
I'm giving up. Drinking for a month.
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6683 on: March 23, 2020, 06:51:36 pm »
I don't drink any more!




I don't drink any less either!


Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6684 on: March 23, 2020, 07:18:58 pm »
 Called in at my local library today and they had nothing at all left in the Fairy Stories section.

Looks like they had had a visit from the Grimm Reaper.
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6685 on: March 23, 2020, 08:27:45 pm »
My ex-girlfriend once told me to kiss her where the 'Sun don't shine'.

So I took her to Manchester.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline PeteHall

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6686 on: March 24, 2020, 12:21:15 pm »
My neighbour just coughed near me.

I told him to please far cough!
The distance between stupidity and genius is measured only by success.

Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6687 on: March 24, 2020, 11:09:31 pm »
Remember, coffee filters can be used as toilet paper.
But it does change the taste of the coffee.
York Caving Club secretary
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Offline paul

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6688 on: March 25, 2020, 09:38:56 am »
For the better or worse?
I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing!

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6689 on: March 25, 2020, 11:02:45 am »
Just had a anxious call off my mate Fred. He says he can't cope with working from home and feels like the room is shrinking around him.

He is a plasterer by trade!

Offline Martin Wright

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6690 on: March 25, 2020, 02:33:38 pm »
My mate picked a fight with the Timber Manager at the local garden centre.
He got decked.
The deepest solace lies in understanding this ancient unseen stream

Offline Pie Muncher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6691 on: March 25, 2020, 04:36:47 pm »
My neighbours have all started singing Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra songs.
I think they've got croonervirus.
Growler

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6692 on: March 25, 2020, 09:01:02 pm »
Prince Charles is in isolation with Covid-19.

Prince Andrew is in isolation with Jennifer, 14.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6693 on: March 26, 2020, 08:04:06 am »
Despite wearing a nurses' uniform, my wife was turned away at the supermarket door.

That's £30 at Ann Summers I'll never get back.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6694 on: March 26, 2020, 03:03:12 pm »
Well, Jock and Mary are roaming in the gloaming on the bonny bonny banks of some goddam body of water, and Jock says to Mary, ‘Let’s sit down a wee while’. So they sit down, and Jock says, ‘Will ya no put ya hand up my skirt – err, kilt, lassy?’ So she does, and immediately withdraws it saying, ‘Och, Jock, it’s gruesome’.

‘Aye, lassy’, says Jock, ‘Put ya hand back a wee while, and it’ll grow some maire.’

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6695 on: March 27, 2020, 05:40:22 pm »
One of my neighbours was taken to hospital in the night with suspected Covid-19. He’s been put on one of the new Dyson ventilators, and I hear he is picking up nicely.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6696 on: March 27, 2020, 06:32:16 pm »
A Yorkshire vicar’s walking down the road and he passes a beautiful garden where an old codger is working away industriously, so he stops and says to the old codger, ‘Isn’t it amazing what we can achieve when we work hand in hand with the Good Lord?’. So the old codger says, ‘Aye, but thoo shoulda seen it when t’Good Lord ’ad it all to ’issen’.

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6697 on: March 27, 2020, 06:35:58 pm »
Reports emerging from Russia suggest there have been 2 deaths there so far related to the Corona Virus outbreak. One was an 80 year old man with underlying problems and the other was the journalist who reported it.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6698 on: March 28, 2020, 08:24:01 am »
Priest: "What is your view on celibacy?"

Me: "I thought her vocal performance on the Goldfinger theme song was outstanding."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline cavemanmike

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6699 on: March 28, 2020, 08:29:15 am »
If everyone is off work too long, will they develop a scouse accent?

 

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