Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1332701 times)

Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6875 on: July 03, 2020, 07:59:05 pm »
Also was quite adverse to going out in bad weather:
Thunderbolt and lightning very, very frightening me.

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6876 on: July 04, 2020, 12:12:02 pm »
Oh no I’ve dropped a bag of cement down the dig.  Not to worry it’s landed on badlad, a hardened caver.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6877 on: July 04, 2020, 05:32:11 pm »
Barbers and public toilets both opened today to the public.

Experts predict a record amount of number 2’s.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6878 on: July 05, 2020, 09:21:49 am »
I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning ‘Do not use if seal is broken’.
As soon as I opened it, the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I was wondering, how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners, have fallen for this evil scam?
« Last Edit: July 05, 2020, 09:37:53 am by tony from suffolk »
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6879 on: July 06, 2020, 08:03:40 am »
I really, really hate those bleach blocks that people put in toilets.
Sorry - I just had to get that out of my cistern.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6880 on: July 06, 2020, 01:58:13 pm »
How do you spot the blind man on a nudist beach?

It's not hard.
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Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6881 on: July 08, 2020, 02:15:56 am »
When I was a child I asked my father 'why are there so many jokes about Chuck Norris but none about Clint Eastwood?'

He leant forward look me straight in the eyes and said 'because Clint Eastwood is no joke'.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6882 on: July 08, 2020, 08:42:11 am »
When I was a child I asked my father 'why are there so many jokes about Chuck Norris but none about Clint Eastwood?'

He leant forward look me straight in the eyes and said 'because Clint Eastwood is no joke'.
:clap2:
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Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6883 on: July 08, 2020, 08:13:59 pm »
The economic situation in Greece is so bad that all production of tzatziki and taramasalata has been suspended.

It's a double-dip recession.
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6884 on: July 09, 2020, 09:20:34 am »
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6885 on: July 10, 2020, 08:31:05 pm »
I got the wife a pug dog. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6886 on: July 11, 2020, 08:20:25 am »
I told my boss I wouldn't be coming into work as I had been told to take it easy. He asked, "Who told you that, your doctor?" "No," I said, "The Eagles".
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6887 on: July 11, 2020, 10:48:48 am »
Wildebeest for sale, £750.
Like Gnu.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6888 on: July 11, 2020, 11:06:57 am »
Not very deer, then?

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6889 on: July 11, 2020, 01:02:21 pm »
I told my boss I wouldn't be coming into work as I had been told to take it easy. He asked, "Who told you that, your doctor?" "No," I said, "The Eagles".

What a desperado. 

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6890 on: July 11, 2020, 01:12:03 pm »
I work in a factory making plastic models of Dracula.
There are only two of us on the line so I have to make every second count.
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Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6891 on: July 11, 2020, 01:13:32 pm »
My local police have just discovered a body hidden in a crate of chickpeas.
They're treating it as a hummuside.
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6892 on: July 11, 2020, 07:29:47 pm »
 . . .
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6893 on: July 13, 2020, 07:32:47 am »
Have you noticed how you move in a passage that is 1.5 metres high, to one that is 2.5 metres high.  The difference is staggering.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6894 on: July 14, 2020, 10:59:02 am »
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.
So far, it's been seven owls and fifteen jays.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Martin Wright

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6895 on: July 14, 2020, 12:26:02 pm »
Sinead O'Connor has a beautiful oak tree in her garden, but nothing compares to yew.
The deepest solace lies in understanding this ancient unseen stream

Offline A_Northerner

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6896 on: July 14, 2020, 12:34:19 pm »
A Yorkshireman walks in to a vet and says "Ay up, can tha tek a look at our cat? It's not bin it's sen lately."

'Sure.' says the vet. 'First things first, Is it a Tom?'

"Nah" he replies "I've got it 'ere wi me"
The best way to scare a Tory is to re-rig their pitch.

Offline Barkerette

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6897 on: July 14, 2020, 09:30:03 pm »
Australia's Covid response is a lot like the spice girls.
They're all working really hard apart from Victoria

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6898 on: July 14, 2020, 10:28:33 pm »
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6899 on: July 15, 2020, 01:38:28 pm »
What would you like?” says the barman.
“What would I like?” says Bob. “A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife.”
“No,” says the barman, patiently. “I meant what do you want?”
“To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!”
“What’s it to be?” says the barman, less patiently.
“A boy or a girl, I don’t care”.
“You misunderstand me” says the barman impatiently, “I only asked what you want to drink?”
“Oh” says Bob, I see. “Why didn’t you say so? What have you got?”
“Nothing at all” says the barman. “I’m perfectly healthy”.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

 

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