Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[tony from suffolk]

Struggling to get your wife's attention?

Sit down & look very comfortable.

[tony from suffolk]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience about food.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago."
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and most of us have eaten, or will eat. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake?”

[tony from suffolk]

When Shakespeare invented new words he was called "A Literary genius and a brilliant playwright."

But when I do it - " You're ruining this game of Scrabble and you're not allowed to play anymore!"

[tony from suffolk]

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game? That’s not allowed in bowling. I know that now.

[tony from suffolk]

I know the Chinese New Year was only last week, but now I really fancy another one.

[Duck ditch]

When Shakespeare invented new words he was called "A Literary genius and a brilliant playwright."

But when I do it - " You're ruining this game of Scrabble and you're not allowed to play anymore!"

Have you been bard.

[GarDouth]

If you’ve never tried blindfolded Archery, you don’t know what you’re missing.

[tony from suffolk]

My wife went over to the changing room to try on a dress, but she came back and said "It's too small, I couldn't get into it."I said, "Never mind darling, the dress probably wouldn't have fitted you either."

[sinker]

My favourite joke of 2020. Can't claim the credit for this one; copyright Roy Morton, AditNow:



"PC Jones to control. Come in Sarge."



"Control to PC Jones. Go ahead"



"Sarge I'm at a house in the High Street where a woman has stabbed her husband dead for walking on a freshly-mopped floor"



"Control to PC Jones; have you entered the property?"



"Negative Control. The floor is still wet!"





 

[TheBitterEnd]

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:
 - Janet ate her friend's sandwich.
 - Janet ate her friend's colon.

[TheBitterEnd]

I've joined the local Autopsy Club, really looking forward to tonight, it's Open Mike Night.

[AR]

An actor who’s been out of work for some time gets a phone call from his agent, who tells him that he’s got him a role in Birmingham, accommodation is all sorted out so he just needs to get himself there.

“Wonderful news, darling, but one is absolutely brassic right now and can’t afford the train fare!” says the actor. “You’re not due to start for  a few days, so you could always hitchhike?” suggests the agent.

So, the actor packs his bag and heads out to try and find a lift, and he passes the Grand Union Canal where he spots a sign for Birmingham. So, he waits by the side of the canal and after a while, sure enough there’s a barge heading for Birmingham. “Hop on”, said the bargee “but you might want to stay upwind of this load of manure I’m carrying”.

The actor settles down on the barge and watches the scenery go by. After a while, the barge reaches a lock. The lock-keeper shouts to the bargee “What’ve you got on board, mate?” to which the bargee replies “Thirty tons of shit and an actor”. The barge passes the lock and carries on heading north, and after a while it reaches another lock. Once again, the lock-keeper asks what the load is and the bargee replies “Thirty tons of shit and an actor”.

A little later, the barge approaches another lock. The actor turns to the bargee with a pained expression and says “One is most grateful for the lift, but please can you change the billing?”

[Duck ditch]

I've joined the local Autopsy Club, really looking forward to tonight, it's Open Mike Night.

Got to have guts to join that club.

[tony from suffolk]