Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1425042 times)

Online andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7275 on: March 03, 2021, 11:00:30 am »
The innuendo Society has reported a huge rise amongst its members.

Is that the Mining Innuendo Society?
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7276 on: March 03, 2021, 03:55:15 pm »
When your wife is mowing the lawn, that’s not the best time to ask when dinner will be ready.

Follow me for more marriage tips!
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7277 on: March 04, 2021, 10:00:24 am »
Now that food has replaced sex in my life I can’t even get into my own pants.
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7278 on: March 04, 2021, 08:37:29 pm »
My wife just asked me, "Does this dress make me look fat?”

I realise now that "No, it's not the dress" was the wrong answer.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Stuart France

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7279 on: March 04, 2021, 10:14:42 pm »
The Welsh Government has a habit of giving its Ministers three portfolios at a time, such as someone to look after Culture, Sport and Tourism.  Not altogether unrelated.

They shuttle Ministers regularly before responsibility can attach, and re-mix portfolio triplets amusingly lest civil servants develop expertise.

Can you believe it?  There’s now a Ministry for Mental Health, Wellbeing and the Welsh Language!  Mae dysgu Cymraeg yn dda i chi.

Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7280 on: March 04, 2021, 11:45:27 pm »
I was told to try horse manure on my rhubarb.
I have to say, I still prefer custard.
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Hidden Earth lecture secretary & webmaster
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Online Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7281 on: March 05, 2021, 09:10:09 am »
My friend can only sleep on stacks of old magazines...

He's got back issues!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Online andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7282 on: March 05, 2021, 10:35:31 am »
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7283 on: March 05, 2021, 11:33:38 am »
The Welsh Government has a habit of giving its Ministers three portfolios at a time, such as someone to look after Culture, Sport and Tourism.  Not altogether unrelated.

They shuttle Ministers regularly before responsibility can attach, and re-mix portfolio triplets amusingly lest civil servants develop expertise.

Can you believe it?  There’s now a Ministry for Mental Health, Wellbeing and the Welsh Language!  Mae dysgu Cymraeg yn dda i chi.
Rwy'n gwneud fy ngorau.
MNRC

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7284 on: March 05, 2021, 04:14:23 pm »
The innuendo Society has reported a huge rise amongst its members.

Is that the Mining Innuendo Society?

I don't like to make innuendos, but I'll occasionally slip one in.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7285 on: March 05, 2021, 05:00:56 pm »
People say I'm getting fat, but in my defence...

I've had a lot on my plate recently!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline sinker

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7286 on: March 05, 2021, 06:07:38 pm »
The Welsh Government has a habit of giving its Ministers three portfolios at a time, such as someone to look after Culture, Sport and Tourism.  Not altogether unrelated.

They shuttle Ministers regularly before responsibility can attach, and re-mix portfolio triplets amusingly lest civil servants develop expertise.

Can you believe it?  There’s now a Ministry for Mental Health, Wellbeing and the Welsh Language!  Mae dysgu Cymraeg yn dda i chi.
Rwy'n gwneud fy ngorau.

Da iawn ti. Dal ati!

Ah, well, now, you see...erm...

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7287 on: March 06, 2021, 10:54:06 am »
The Welsh Government has a habit of giving its Ministers three portfolios at a time, such as someone to look after Culture, Sport and Tourism.  Not altogether unrelated.

They shuttle Ministers regularly before responsibility can attach, and re-mix portfolio triplets amusingly lest civil servants develop expertise.

Can you believe it?  There’s now a Ministry for Mental Health, Wellbeing and the Welsh Language!  Mae dysgu Cymraeg yn dda i chi.
Rwy'n gwneud fy ngorau.

Da iawn ti. Dal ati!
Diolch
MNRC

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7288 on: March 07, 2021, 09:19:24 am »
I yelled “COW!” at the woman on the bike. She gave me the finger; just before she ploughed straight into the cow.
I tried...
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7289 on: March 07, 2021, 10:10:10 pm »
We've had reports of an iceberg.  Don't worry, no ship has been sunk by a lettuce.

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7290 on: March 07, 2021, 11:34:45 pm »
An old Yorkshireman is lying in bed dying. In a weak voice he asks

Is my wife here?
Yes I am here
Are my children here?
Yes, your children are here
Are my grandchildren here?
Yes grandad we are here


Then why is the kitchen light still on?
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7291 on: March 08, 2021, 01:08:51 am »
Roses are red
Vilolets are blue
I am Liam Neeson!
AND I WILL FIND YOU!!

Online aardgoose

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7292 on: March 08, 2021, 11:19:46 am »
I yelled “COW!” at the woman on the bike. She gave me the finger; just before she ploughed straight into the cow.
I tried...

True story - large hospital ED uses laptop PCs on small trolleys to allow point of care admin. Said devices were known as Computers On Wheels or 'COWs', in Paeds ED they even had one with a Friesian makeover.

Until a patient's relative made a written complaint after believing a request 'to bring the cow over here' referred to her. They were renamed after that incident.

Online darren

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7293 on: March 08, 2021, 08:33:28 pm »
They haven't been renamed round these partss. Daughter came home last week laughing about this after her hospital IT course.

Everyone working on the ward was also laughing as they knew one of my daughters previous jobs had been milking cows.

No, I'm playing all the right notes

Offline sinker

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7294 on: March 08, 2021, 08:44:43 pm »
They haven't been renamed round these partss. Daughter came home last week laughing about this after her hospital IT course.

Everyone working on the ward was also laughing as they knew one of my daughters previous jobs had been milking cows.

In the construction industry, COW refers to Clerk Of Works, a kind of site-based Client's Representative. Basically a kind of demi-god to be looked after and treated like royalty.

I remember years ago coming into the office early one morning and finding a PostIt note left by my then Manager saying:


"Pick up COW from market"




Ah, well, now, you see...erm...

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7295 on: March 09, 2021, 09:01:55 am »
When I was a practising clinician, as part of my expert witness training I attended a few lectures by Mr Andrew Andrews MBE, who used to warn us of the dangers of using acronyms in medical files.

Examples - The hospital's A&E department used DoA, meaning Dead on Arrival. However, on the wards, they used DoA as the Date of Admission. So when one of the young A&E doctors was on temporary secondment to one of the wards and a husband 'phoned up asking how their wife was...

Here in East Anglia, there was NFN - Normal For Norfolk, or SEFS - Strange Even For Suffolk.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline sinker

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7296 on: March 09, 2021, 09:38:56 am »

Here in East Anglia, there was NFN - Normal For Norfolk, or SEFS - Strange Even For Suffolk.


Mrs Sinker once had to calm down and extremely drunk and extremely annoyed lady in the A&E department....she had come in a little worse for drink (pi$$ed), hair and makeup all over the place, singing and dancing despite having fallen over and hurt her arm.

One of the older, more conservative doctors had written "SFS" on this lady's notes.
She overheard him mention to another doctor that she was SFS so she asked him what it meant.
He made out that it was a complicated medical acronym that she wouldn't understand.
Then she told him that she was a practicing nurse with 20 years experience and knew that SFS meant "Suitable For Sailors"

 :clap2:



Ah, well, now, you see...erm...

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7297 on: March 09, 2021, 11:31:35 am »
During my daughter's difficult birth the midwife asked "What about epidural anaesthesia?"
I replied "Thanks, but we've already chosen names"
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7298 on: March 09, 2021, 12:13:48 pm »
A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C, everyone said he was crazy but he was 0K.
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline sinker

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7299 on: March 09, 2021, 12:53:51 pm »
A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C, everyone said he was crazy but he was 0K.

Ooooh we're getting weird now.....

Here's one for the mathematicians amongst you:

"I'm sorry, the number you have dialled is imaginary. Please rotate your phone through 90 degrees and try again."

 ;)



Ah, well, now, you see...erm...

 

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