Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1227320 times)

Online Brains

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Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #75 on: December 16, 2005, 02:08:59 pm »
I had heard that George Best wasnt being buried in Ireland after all, but has been cremated at Hemel Hempsted :oops:

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« Reply #76 on: December 16, 2005, 02:49:19 pm »
Like the German shepperd joke, nice one.

Offline Mr Fell

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« Reply #77 on: December 23, 2005, 08:29:26 am »
Elton said he enjoyed the wedding - he said later that the only thing was that the ring was a little tight :roll:
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Offline Slug

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« Reply #78 on: December 23, 2005, 02:43:08 pm »
I notice that Sir Elton did'nt go to His own stag night.....He said He did'nt need to as He was going  on a bender after the wedding 8)
Pint of Butcombe Please Roger.

Offline Mr Fell

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« Reply #79 on: December 30, 2005, 06:53:39 pm »
An  Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them  mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God,  it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it  is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a  pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus  approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,  thanking him for the Guinness.
 
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30  years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand,  thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.  "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's  a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who  says .....

"Back off, mate, I'm on disability  benefit." :lol:  :lol:
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Offline Cavedrone

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« Reply #80 on: December 30, 2005, 09:20:03 pm »
Mr Fell !!! Nice one. Upset the Liverpool FC fans in my household
in one fell swoop.   :D

NB Does Mrs Fell need to know if I am staying next Saturday/joining in the meal ??
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Offline Mr Fell

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« Reply #81 on: December 31, 2005, 08:37:17 am »
Hi - Mr Cavedrone - yep please confirm 8)
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Offline Cavedrone

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« Reply #82 on: January 01, 2006, 03:39:43 pm »
I'll be staying on Sat night for def.
Any idea whats on the menu for the meal.

I will be caving on the Sunday too though as I'm off the pop.
I believe Frog and Rachel may be up for some action then as well.

 :P
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Offline martin s

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« Reply #83 on: January 06, 2006, 09:28:47 pm »
The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when ronaldo walks in. "Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says rooney . "If he's having a new car, so am I."

Offline danthecavingman

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« Reply #84 on: January 13, 2006, 02:10:07 pm »
You see that Taxus baccata.........that's Yew that is........

Offline danthecavingman

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« Reply #85 on: January 19, 2006, 08:56:23 pm »
A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you "


"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"

"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.


"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

> She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?


"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"
You see that Taxus baccata.........that's Yew that is........

Offline Brendan

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Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #86 on: February 08, 2006, 07:46:05 pm »
One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair,he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said.
"We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is
drink.   Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all
over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer,
no biggie. You're already dead, remember?""Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well,
you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't
mean..."   "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
big bowl of crack, or smack.  You can do all the drugs you want,you're dead, who cares!"     "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
The original underground extreme ironer

Offline Mr Fell

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« Reply #87 on: February 09, 2006, 06:17:00 pm »
Ha ha - good un :lol:
Up yer passage !

Offline AndyF

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« Reply #88 on: February 09, 2006, 10:39:34 pm »
A Microsoft marketing exec died and went up to the pearly gates. St.Peter says, "Well, which do you want Heaven or Hell?"

The exec looked surprised. What, you mean I get to choose...?"

"Sure", says St Peter. We've learned a lot from all the Microsoft exec's we've had here. Customer Choice, thats what it's all about. Waht's better is you get to try out before choosing, how about few days in Hell?"

"And then I come back?"

"Sure" says St Peter. "After 30 days, you'll be back here"

"...er... well o.k"

In a flash he was in hell, but looking around there was a beach with a few girls in bikini. Someone came up to him and gave him a cigar, and a pina collada. There music, warm sunshine. It was great. A girl ran up to him, hugged him and said "Welcome to hell"

"This isn't right", he says, this can't be hell!"

"It sure is says the girl, you don't want to believe the rumours, this is a top quality product!, You'll love it. If it was horrid, no one would stay."

Thirty days later, the exec was all mellow, he had a couple of girlfriends, drinks on tap, a beach hut. It was great. Then, suddenly whoosh! He was back at the gates with St.Peter.

"Well" says St Peter, "want to try heaven now? It's a competitor product"

"No way, says the exec, Hell is for me. It  was great"

"Are you SURE" says St.Peter, you can't change your mind....

"No, No" says the exec, "I'm certain"

BANG!

Suddenly we was embroiled in flame, puss and extructiating pain. Flames all around. Darkness. The cackling laughter of a thousand tormented souls. This was truly hell...

He shouted up to St.Peter.

"What happened, where are the girls, where's my drink? Whats happened to all the stuff I saw...?"

"Ahhhhhhh" he heard St.Peter call down....  "you must have seen the demo version...."
"Life's a pitch, then you fall down one..."

Online Katie

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« Reply #89 on: February 10, 2006, 01:45:51 am »
Thats just reminded of something one of my firends used to say...

Hell: where the beer barrels have holes and the women dont

Offline Mr Fell

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« Reply #90 on: February 10, 2006, 12:45:47 pm »
BLAMESTORMING

Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.



SEAGULL MANAGER

A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.



ASSMOSIS

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.



SALMON DAY

The experience of spending one entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.



CUBE FARM

An office filled with cubicles.



PRAIRIE DOGGING

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)



SITCOMs

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".



SINBAD

Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.



STRESS PUPPY

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.



PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.



ADMINISPHERE

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.



404

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.



OHNOSECOND

That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')


GOING FOR A McSHIT

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.



BEER COAT

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.



BEER COMPASS

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.



BREAKING THE SEAL

Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.



BRITNEY SPEARS

Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"



JOHNNY-NO-STARS

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.



MILLENNIUM DOMES

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nowt in there worth seeing.



MONKEY BATH

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo !Oo !Oo!

Aa !Aa !Aa!".



MYSTERY BUS

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.



NELSON MANDELA

Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager)



PEARLHARBOUR

Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl  Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)



PICASSO BUM

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks



SALAD DODGER

An excellent phrase for an overweight person



TART FUEL

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women



URI GELLER

See Nelson Mandela (above)

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Up yer passage !

Offline ian mckenzie

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« Reply #91 on: February 10, 2006, 09:35:35 pm »
Quote from: "Mr Fell"
BEER COAT The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am. :
We have them in Canada as well, tho they are much thicker but do not last as long...

Offline Mr Fell

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« Reply #92 on: February 11, 2006, 07:52:23 am »
You bet - my cousin lives in Hamilton - and its bloody cold there at the moment ! :(  :shock:
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Offline Cap'n Chris

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« Reply #93 on: February 11, 2006, 08:58:51 am »
IGNORAMUS: an unintelligent person


IGNORANUS: an unintelligent person who is also an asshole.

Offline Mr Fell

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« Reply #94 on: February 11, 2006, 12:24:30 pm »
IGNORAMUS in latin actually means - we dont know  :roll:
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Offline Brendan

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« Reply #95 on: February 20, 2006, 04:11:03 pm »
Potentially and Realistically....
A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
 
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heart beat! Are you nuts?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a poof."
The original underground extreme ironer

wallop

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« Reply #96 on: February 21, 2006, 03:01:59 pm »
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase
some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown
several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He
opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and
takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go
upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't
put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it
tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a
pose.

Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for
$500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Friday :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

RM

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« Reply #97 on: February 21, 2006, 05:35:12 pm »
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots.
They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell "Only 51 days!"

The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by "Only 51 days"? One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 Days..... and on the box it said 4-7 years!"

Offline graham

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« Reply #98 on: February 22, 2006, 08:56:34 am »
A blonde buys a lottery ticket and heads home to watch the draw on TV. Every single number matches her ticket and she jumps up and down in joy having won £8.2m. The next day she heads back to the shop to ask for her prize money.

"Sorry luv" says the shopkeeper, "we can't pay out prizes that big, you have to head to the lottery headquarters in London."

"London!" exclaims the blonde, "I can't afford a train ticket all the way to London, I want a refund!"
Caving is for Life not just for Christmas

wallop

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« Reply #99 on: March 01, 2006, 10:44:38 am »
CHINESE SICK LEAVE

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I

really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

 

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you

today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife

and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I go to

work. You try that."

 

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I

feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house." :lol:  :lol:  :lol: