Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1227031 times)

Online rhychydwr1

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Two minute management course (courtesy of Mother Nature)
« Reply #250 on: July 14, 2006, 10:39:53 am »
Two minute management course (courtesy of Mother Nature)

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.  A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"  The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."  So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.  All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.  "They're packed with nutrients."  The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.  While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.  As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.  Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two minute management course




Online rhychydwr1

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The Parrot
« Reply #251 on: July 14, 2006, 11:44:48 am »
The Parrot


                A woman went to a pet shop and immediately
                   spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

              There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

             "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

                    The owner looked at her and said,
"Well I should tell you first, that this bird used to live in a  house of
      prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."


                The woman thought about this, but decided
                       she wanted the bird any way.

               She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
          in her living room and waited for it to say something.

         The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

                         "New house, new madam."

             The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
               but then thought "that's really not so bad."

            When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school,
                    the bird looked at them and said,

                    "New house, new madam, new girls."

               The girls and the woman were a bit offended
               but then began to laugh about the situation
          considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

                  Soon after, the woman's husband Keith
                           came home from work.

                     The bird looked at him and said,
                              "Hi Gus!"





Online rhychydwr1

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Another parrot joke
« Reply #252 on: July 15, 2006, 11:39:13 am »
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"




Online rhychydwr1

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Vets' Bills!!
« Reply #253 on: July 16, 2006, 12:29:19 pm »
Vets' bills!!
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook it's head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS!" she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....   




wormster

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #254 on: July 21, 2006, 05:26:28 pm »
More from the Royal corespondant:

Wednesday 9am: Queen Elizabeth II was said to be most upset after discovering that her wheely bin had been flogged in the early hours of Wednesday morning.
The Queen, who is always the first on her street to put the bin out on bin night, said she didn't know who the hell would want to steal her wheelie bin, as it had her name on it, and smelt like shit anyway.

Upon hearing of the incident, Prime Minister Tony Blair (little shite that he is!!) decided to personally head the investigation, allocating resources from local Police, MI5 and MI6, the Army Reserve and the Rotary Club of Warnambool to investigate the crime. Authorities currently suspect an international mafia crime syndicate, or kids, to be responsible for the theft.

Have you found the Queen's Wheelybin?
Send your photos to topaussiesNO@SPAMhotmail.com

tubby two

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #255 on: July 21, 2006, 08:39:11 pm »
 :shrug:

Am i the only one who doesn't get this royal correspondent thing? I suspect not...

tt.

Offline danthecavingman

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #256 on: July 21, 2006, 09:43:36 pm »
 :shrug: WTF?
You see that Taxus baccata.........that's Yew that is........

Online rhychydwr1

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Onestone
« Reply #257 on: July 24, 2006, 11:51:23 am »
An Apache Indian With One Testicle.

There once was an Apache Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So
named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked
everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I wil l kill them!" The word got
around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made
love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a  woman
 

    named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many
years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made  love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird  wouldn't
 

    die!






What is the moral of this story?????............................




OH, come on...take a guess!


Think about it .

(You're going to love this!)
And the moral?





....You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!


 

wormster

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #258 on: August 02, 2006, 07:07:06 pm »
The royal corespondant sent me this the other day:

Sunday, 8am: During a morning chat over her backyard fence to her next door neighbour, the Her Majesty was overheard telling her dog to "shuuuuuuudup ya bloody mongrel!” This news comes just days after the Queen was heard instructing her dog to "giddddown off me frock, you fucking stupid dog!"

Royal sources tell how the Queen's Blue Heeler, 'Bluey', is typically a well behaved dog, but occasionally becomes a fucking little bastard mongrel. This was confirmed later in the day, when a bored Bluey dug up the Queen's favourite azaleas and did a shit on the driveway.


apparently her magesty has retired fom buck house and has moved to Australia and is now living in Essendon in Melbourne.

Geddit now matey ;D ;D

Offline SamT

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #259 on: August 03, 2006, 05:13:20 am »

Even if I dont get it - I think they're quite funny so keep em coming.

Online Brains

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #260 on: August 10, 2006, 09:52:26 am »
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/south_west/4777127.stm

Strange and bizarre goings on in Wales, invoving a goat, 12 pints of cider and a stolen volvo....

andymorgan

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #261 on: August 10, 2006, 12:53:57 pm »
I thought you had to get the goat drunk first before it goes home with you, not the other way around :shrug:

Offline AndyF

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #262 on: August 10, 2006, 01:00:17 pm »
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/south_west/4777127.stm

Strange and bizarre goings on in Wales, invoving a goat, 12 pints of cider and a stolen volvo....

He probably thought he had pulled....

"Life's a pitch, then you fall down one..."

Offline Les W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #263 on: August 10, 2006, 08:12:27 pm »
I hope he handled the goat with kid gloves ;D ;D
I'm a very busy person

darkplaces

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #264 on: August 10, 2006, 10:51:05 pm »
A volvo of all things  :yucky:

Offline whitelackington

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #265 on: August 14, 2006, 01:53:02 pm »
I've got an old volvo estate you can get a shit load of shit in it
nver had a goat in it though
but I have seen one with a shetland pony in it! :down:

Offline paul

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #266 on: August 14, 2006, 07:33:05 pm »
I've got an old volvo estate you can get a shit load of shit in it
nver had a goat in it though
but I have seen one with a shetland pony in it! :down:

Mind you, you'll get more shit from a Shetland Pony than from a goat...  :)
I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing!

Offline AndyF

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #267 on: August 14, 2006, 09:58:45 pm »
I've got an old volvo estate you can get a shit load of shit in it
nver had a goat in it

I've never had a goat either - I've led a sheltered life
"Life's a pitch, then you fall down one..."

Melanie lloyd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #268 on: August 15, 2006, 12:04:53 am »

Aww, Just read in our local newspaper that the poor goat has just gone to that great big Goatshed in the sky. Apparently it died from post traumatic stress.... :weep:


R.I.P Snowy 

wormster

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #269 on: August 18, 2006, 09:35:18 pm »
A final missave from the Antipodean Royal correspondant:

Melbourne, Friday 9pm: Her Majesty was escorted from the MCG by Victorian Police on Friday night, accompanied by crowd chants of "The Queen's going home in the back of a divvy van, Long Live the Queen".
Witnesses from Bay 13 told how the Queen "drank like a fitter" and "swore like two fitters" during Australia's demolition of the English one day side, who were totally and completely shithouse. She then ran onto the field and attempted to grab an English batsmen's cricket bat, shouting, "The Royal arse could play better than you Poms!” before being crash tackled by Security and led off the field.
Later, a Police Sergeant told how the Queen was "The drunkest human ever held in custody in Victoria. She threw up about a hundred times all over the station floor. She probably shouldn't have eaten those chicken kebabs either."
The Queen was released Saturday morning after being fined $1000 and officially cautioned about future consumption of chicken kebabs.

Online rhychydwr1

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Male and Female Prayers
« Reply #270 on: August 21, 2006, 07:33:08 pm »

Male and Female Prayers

FEMALE PRAYER
---------------
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, whos not a creep,
One whos handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One wholl call, not wait for weeks.
I pray hes gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, wont be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man wholl make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend. Amen.

MALE PRAYER
--------------
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store and a bass boat.
This doesnt rhyme and I dont care.

Offline graham

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #271 on: August 24, 2006, 11:57:50 am »
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
 
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
 
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
 
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
 
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
 
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
 
WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
 
HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan).
 
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
 
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
 
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
 
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
 
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
 
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new
 
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
 
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
 
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
 
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
 
WIFE:
- - silence - -
 
HUSBAND:
F**k
Caving is for Life not just for Christmas

Online rhychydwr1

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The Guys' Rules
« Reply #272 on: August 31, 2006, 10:50:36 am »

 The  Guys' Rules

 Finally, the guys' side of the story.

  We always hear "the rules"
  From the female side.


  Now here are the rules from the male side.
  These are  our rules!
  Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

 1. Men are NOT mind readers.

 1. Learn to work the  toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it  down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 1.  Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
     or the changing of  the tides.
     Let it be.

 1. Shopping is NOT a  sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that  way.

 1. Crying is blackmail.

 1. Ask for what  you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
     Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not  work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just  say it!

 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to  almost every
    question.

 1. Come to us with  a problem only if you want help solving it.
     That's what we  do.
     Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
     See a doctor.

 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is  inadmissible in an
    argument.
    In fact, all comments become  null and void after 7 Days.

 1. If you won't dress like the  Victoria's Secret girls, don't
    Expect  us to act like soap  opera guys.

 1. If you think you're fat, you probably  are.
    Don't ask us.


 1. If  something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of 
    the ways   makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one .

 1. You can either ask us to do  something
     Or tell us how you want it done. Not  both.
     If you already know best how to do it, just do it  yourself.

 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to  say
    during    commercials.

 1. Christopher  Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do
    we.

 1. ALL men  see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
    settings.    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.  Pumpkin is also
    a   Fruit    We have no idea what mauve is.

 1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
    We do  that.

 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will  act
    like  nothing's wrong.   We know you  are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
 
 1. If you ask a  question you don't want an answer to, Expect an
     answer you  don't want to hear.

 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely  anything you wear
     is   fine...Really.

 1.  Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
      prepared to   discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
      or golf.

 1. You have enough clothes.

 1.  You have too many shoes.

 1. I am in shape.  Round IS a  shape!

 1. Thank you for reading this.
      Yes,  I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did
       you know   men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

  Pass this  to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.

  Pass this to as  many women as you can to give them a bigger
  laugh



Offline martin s

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #273 on: September 01, 2006, 05:44:12 pm »
Osama Bin laden has decided that caves are getting a bit too obvious an hiding place these days here is evidence found today ;D ;D    http://www.asianjoke.com/pix/osama_hiding_place.htm     :thumbsup:

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #274 on: September 02, 2006, 03:11:20 pm »
A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

 ;D
Up yer passage !