Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1227312 times)

Offline rhychydwr1

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Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations
« Reply #275 on: September 03, 2006, 01:20:12 pm »
Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. .. and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.


6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

9. ..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

10. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.

24. ... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
 







Offline rhychydwr1

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Parrot Joke
« Reply #276 on: September 03, 2006, 03:44:12 pm »
A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.

So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesman took the man to a parrot in the back.

"Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is a very special Parrot" the salesman said.

"What makes him so special?" the man asked.

The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chet's right foot, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells.." and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing "Deck the halls..."

So the man asked, "What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?"
"Well I don't know" answered the salesman.

So he holds the lighter between the parrot's legs and instantly Chet began to sing...
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."


Offline rhychydwr1

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In honour of Stupid People . . .
« Reply #277 on: September 04, 2006, 11:59:30 am »
In honour of Stupid People . . .



In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through

stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.



On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside

down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)



         ==========================



On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)



         ===========================



On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate

machinery after taking this medication." < /I>

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could

just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)



         ==========================



On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)



       =======================



        On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

           (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)



         ====================================



On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details

inside.

(the shoplifter special?)



         ===========================



On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be???....)



          ============================



On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(but, it's just a suggestion.)



       ========================



On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn't this save me time?)



       ==============================



On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(..I'm taking this because???....)



          ==============================



On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)



         ==============================



On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
eat

nuts."

(Step 3: say what?)



          ===========================



On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable

you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)



          ========================



On a Swedish Chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)



          ===========================



Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity

to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...



         =============================

  _____

Offline Peter Burgess

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You know standards of grammar are slipping.....
« Reply #278 on: September 04, 2006, 12:07:56 pm »
When you read on the road (on the exit from my local Tesco)

"USE BOTH LANES"

And if you haven't worked it out yet, should it not be

"USE EITHER LANE"

Unless I am supposed to straddle the white line, of course.


Offline Peter Burgess

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More grammatical whoopsies from Tesco
« Reply #279 on: September 04, 2006, 12:09:47 pm »
And there's the current TESCO ad campaign encouraging us to ...

USE LESS BAGS.

Arrrrggghhhhh!!!!



darkplaces

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Re: You know standards of grammar are slipping.....
« Reply #280 on: September 04, 2006, 12:51:11 pm »
When you read on the road (on the exit from my local Tesco)

"USE BOTH LANES"

And if you haven't worked it out yet, should it not be

"USE EITHER LANE"

Unless I am supposed to straddle the white line, of course.
Depends if the sign is ment for you or everyone as a collective I guess?
Same sign on A46 to Bath road. People still get irate if you 'appear to overtake' by using both lanes.

The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect pr0no cop


Offline Peter Burgess

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #281 on: September 04, 2006, 12:55:59 pm »
Quote
Depends if the sign is meant for you or everyone as a collective I guess?


True, but there are road safety issues here. My 'correct' instruction cannot be misinterpreted. The original, could be taken either (or should that be both) way(s). And anyway, why should I be forced to share all my instructions with other people. If I approach a junction, and I am asked to give way, it's for me. I'm the only one at the front of the queue. Those behind can wait their turn to be advised to 'give way'.

PB, the forum pendant.


Offline Peter Burgess

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #282 on: September 04, 2006, 01:00:30 pm »
I've also seen "USE BOTH LANES" at the exit to a multi-storey car park. Impossible to use both lanes without demolishing the automatic barrier.

Dep

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #283 on: September 05, 2006, 10:50:10 am »
I've also seen "USE BOTH LANES" at the exit to a multi-storey car park. Impossible to use both lanes without demolishing the automatic barrier.

Signs are equivalent to a person standing there giving you a verbal message.
To use both lanes implies more than one vehicle, thus it is indeed referring to the collective - effectively a person standing there saying; "Oi, you lot, use both lanes!"

I would love to see you try to justify that level of pedantry in obeying signs if it landed you in court, perhaps after destroying the barrier machines a number of local car-parks!  ;D

However the majority of the population are not literate enough to recognise these subtlies.
And those that are are usually smart enough to understand.

Has it occurred to you that these signs may be deliberately designed to brighten your day - a sort of 'in-joke' for pedants that goes unnoticed by 99.9% of the population? :)




andymorgan

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #284 on: September 05, 2006, 01:10:34 pm »
What about stop signs? You could spend a whole life time at one  :confused:

Offline Peter Burgess

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #285 on: September 05, 2006, 01:49:20 pm »
I wondered what the problem was. Thanks, I'll start a campaign to have the signs altered to read STOP BEFORE PROCEEDING.

tubby two

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #286 on: September 05, 2006, 03:28:04 pm »
Or maybe a little sign below every sign saying [* to use this sign please refer to instructions in page 397 of the highway code]?

tt.

Offline Peter Burgess

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #287 on: September 05, 2006, 03:34:35 pm »
Quote
However the majority of the population are not literate enough to recognise these subtlies.
And those that are are usually smart enough to understand.

Are you implying that I am not smart enough to understand? [throws gauntlet onto floor]. It's karabiners at dawn, I fear!

Offline Brains

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #288 on: September 06, 2006, 09:14:39 pm »
Apparently in an interview previously recorded, Steve Irwin named the TV programme Daktari as one of his childhood influences, but he would always have a soft spot in his heart for Stingray...
 
The producer of Stingray, Gerry Anderson, has said it would be in bad taste to use the theme song at Mr Irwins Funeral, so the Austalian PM has requested that Jimmy Nail gives a rendition of Crocodile Shoes...

A product recall has been announced for sun cream endorsed by Steve Irwin, due to the erroneous claim that it prevented all harmful rays....
 

wormster

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #289 on: September 06, 2006, 10:05:02 pm »
Heard about this one:

The latest craze with clubbers is to fill young womens vaginas with a mix of vodka and red bull and drink it out with a straw.

Experts are now warning about the dangers of minge drinking.

Offline AndyF

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"Life's a pitch, then you fall down one..."

Offline Cap'n Chris

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #291 on: September 06, 2006, 11:17:29 pm »
I'm still trying to work out how this happened.....  :-\



Offline graham

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #292 on: September 07, 2006, 08:18:30 am »
I'm still trying to work out how this happened.....  :-\




That reminds me of the photos of the caravan after Mr Williams had ceased towing it.
Caving is for Life not just for Christmas

andymorgan

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #293 on: September 07, 2006, 11:01:43 am »
It is why women shouldn't drive!

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #294 on: September 07, 2006, 04:20:32 pm »
erm !
Up yer passage !

Offline AndyF

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #295 on: September 07, 2006, 06:08:15 pm »
I'm still trying to work out how this happened.....  :-\




Perhaps a clue is in the name of the image....    :-\
"Life's a pitch, then you fall down one..."

Dave H

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #296 on: September 08, 2006, 01:05:45 pm »
Heard about this one:

The latest craze with clubbers is to fill young womens vaginas with a mix of vodka and red bull and drink it out with a straw.

Experts are now warning about the dangers of minge drinking.


Is this made up? It all smells a bit fishy to me :lol:

Offline Cave_Troll

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #297 on: September 08, 2006, 01:24:57 pm »
A sheep farmer sends his sheep dog to go and count the sheep in the top field.
 
The dog runs off and returns an hour later.
 
“40” says the dog.
 
“40?” repeats the farmer.
 
“40 sheep in the top field” says the dog.
 
“But I only put 38 in the field yesterday ?” said the farmer.
 
“Oh!”  says the dog.. "I rounded them up”.

Dep

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #298 on: September 08, 2006, 07:46:28 pm »
There are 10 types of people in this World...

...those who understand binary and those who don't!



Offline Peter Burgess

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #299 on: September 08, 2006, 08:31:51 pm »
Computer geeks joke. (another one)

Probably posted this before, either here or elsewhere,

What goes

"pieces of seven, pieces of seven!"

A parrotty error. (computer geek's joke)