Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1159575 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6125 on: August 12, 2018, 09:29:54 am »
My wife isn't talking to me, she said I ruined her birthday.

I don't know how, I didn't even know it was her birthday!
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6126 on: August 12, 2018, 10:22:52 am »
I'm starting meetings at my house for people with OCD.
I don't have it myself, just hoping they'll take one look and start cleaning.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6127 on: August 12, 2018, 04:34:31 pm »
I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".
That should keep my neighbours on their toes for a while.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6128 on: August 14, 2018, 01:18:04 pm »
Just want to say thanks to the person who explained the meaning of the word 'many' to me.
It means a lot.
MNRC

Offline Cave_Troll

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6129 on: August 14, 2018, 03:23:01 pm »
I went to a vegan restaurant last night.
The waitress swore she knew me, but I don't know how.
I've never met her before

Offline JeremyG

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6130 on: August 16, 2018, 09:21:14 pm »
What do you call a patronising criminal going down a staircase?

....A condescending con descending

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6131 on: August 16, 2018, 11:10:13 pm »
I went to a vegan restaurant last night.
The waitress swore she knew me, but I don't know how.
I've never met her before

This one needs explaining to me, so possibly I'm thick!
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Oceanrower

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6132 on: August 17, 2018, 12:07:32 am »
Me too. But I didn't like to ask...  :down:

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6133 on: August 17, 2018, 12:55:05 am »
herbivore

Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6134 on: August 17, 2018, 06:36:10 am »
Couldn't believe my luck last night. I met this beautiful blonde in the pub, and she said she'd show me a really good time.  When we got outside she did the 100 meters in 9.68 seconds.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6135 on: August 17, 2018, 04:23:15 pm »
My wife's cat died so I bought her an identical one. She was furious! "what am I going to do with two dead cats?" she said.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6136 on: August 19, 2018, 10:16:39 am »
“Mom, I can’t sleep. I’m really scared - can I come and sleep with you please?”

“No dear, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline retrika7

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6137 on: August 19, 2018, 10:52:47 am »
Eating Spiders is GREAT! Instead of 1 leg you get 8. ;D

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6138 on: August 19, 2018, 11:47:37 am »
After months of trying my wife told me she is finally pregnant.

Apparently, I'm going to be an uncle.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6139 on: August 21, 2018, 10:54:08 am »
Police - “Sir, it looks like your wife’s been in an accident”

“I know, but she’s good with the kids”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6140 on: August 21, 2018, 08:11:49 pm »
At a recent job interview:

"What's your name?"

"Dave F**king C**ting Smith"

"Do you suffer from Tourette's Dave?"

"No. But the Vicar at the Christening did."
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6141 on: August 23, 2018, 04:24:39 pm »
If you have walked 500 miles....
And you have walked 500 more

You may have walked 1000 miles inadvertently and be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro-claimers now on .....
Malc
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6142 on: August 24, 2018, 01:53:08 am »
VW is bringing out a new electric car, it's going to be called a "Voltswagen".
MNRC

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6143 on: August 24, 2018, 10:49:09 am »
VW is bringing out a new electric car, it's going to be called a "Voltswagen".


Not a current model yet then?


Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6144 on: August 24, 2018, 11:05:39 am »
What's the range like?  If I go up to the Dales in one, will it get me "ohm" again?
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6145 on: August 24, 2018, 11:39:10 am »
Only if you have a number of Henries on board.
MNRC

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6146 on: August 24, 2018, 12:42:15 pm »
I expect is will go as Far ad you like.
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline Chocolate fireguard

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6147 on: August 24, 2018, 01:51:46 pm »
What's the range like?  If I go up to the Dales in one, will it get me "ohm" again?
Yes, but if you go too far, a day later.

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6148 on: August 24, 2018, 03:02:48 pm »
Now you're just being cagey
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6149 on: August 24, 2018, 04:24:57 pm »
Ohm I god, I'm trying to resistor nother current joke, but thisurge is too much of a mega test to just switch off & wave good bye.

Do I detect so many induced groans that it Hertz?

So shocking that I don't wish to ohm up to these puns!

Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."