Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing. (Read 1216246 times)

GarDouth · « **Reply #6350 on:** April 05, 2019, 12:41:03 pm »

Me:- Boss I'm not coming into work to day 'cos i am sick.
Boss:- How sick are you?
Me:- Well I'm in bed with my sister.

hoehlenforscher · « **Reply #6351 on:** April 05, 2019, 01:34:57 pm »

I asked my wife why she married me

"because you are funny" she replied

"oh" I said, "I always thought it was because I was good in bed"

""see", she said, " you're hilarious"

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6352 on:** April 05, 2019, 01:42:12 pm »

I’m thinking of starting a palm plant business but I don’t have any saplings to get me started.
Asking for a frond.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6353 on:** April 06, 2019, 12:47:50 pm »

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids - in one ear and out of the other.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6354 on:** April 07, 2019, 08:05:13 am »

People hang on my every word.

Which is why I got the sack from the Samaritans.

Maj · « **Reply #6355 on:** April 07, 2019, 01:23:55 pm »

A lorry has overturned on the M1 shedding its load of Vicks Sinex.

No congestion expected for the next 8 hours.

Maj.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6356 on:** April 09, 2019, 06:07:29 pm »

My wife was going to the hairdresser’s. As she was leaving, she asked me what cut I thought would make her look most attractive.

Apparently “a power cut” wasn’t the right answer.

Maj · « **Reply #6357 on:** April 10, 2019, 01:01:24 am »

Just as I suspected,

someone has been dumping soil in my garden!

The plot thickens!

Maj.

Laurie · « **Reply #6358 on:** April 10, 2019, 12:10:55 pm »

Sad news today that the inventor of the speed boat has died.
His funeral is Monday, followed by the wake.

Maj · « **Reply #6359 on:** April 10, 2019, 03:31:18 pm »

Well that was odd!

I found a hat full of money down the High Street,

but then I got chased down the road by a man with a guitar!

Maj.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6360 on:** April 11, 2019, 06:26:45 pm »

“A cannibal took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie”

“Gladiator?”

“No, I really miss her”.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6361 on:** April 13, 2019, 12:50:21 pm »

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.
I thought to myself,
"Well, this changes everything."

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6362 on:** April 13, 2019, 12:58:33 pm »

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he'd caught many fish.

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

Laurie · « **Reply #6363 on:** April 14, 2019, 06:18:31 pm »

I didn't think wearing orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

Elaine · « **Reply #6364 on:** April 14, 2019, 08:09:33 pm »

A vegan told me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6365 on:** April 15, 2019, 08:58:09 am »

Does anyone know how long you cook boil in the bag fish for?

I won it at the fair and there are no instructions on the bag.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6366 on:** April 15, 2019, 02:08:37 pm »

It's incredible that The Bible was so specific in forbidding shops with 280 square metres of floor space to open for more than 6 hours on a Sunday in England.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6367 on:** April 16, 2019, 09:39:32 am »

I'm thinking of taking this wine box back to complain. It says once opened it will last for 6 weeks. It only lasted 3 days.

Laurie · « **Reply #6368 on:** April 16, 2019, 10:09:17 am »

I just spent £400 hiring a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver!
Cant believe i spent all the money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6369 on:** April 16, 2019, 01:07:28 pm »

My new career as a magician is not going well.
I've had some bad reviews on TrickAdviser.

Laurie · « **Reply #6370 on:** April 16, 2019, 05:41:35 pm »

I was attacked by a group of mime artists last night.
They did unspeakable things to me.

hoehlenforscher · « **Reply #6371 on:** April 16, 2019, 09:41:17 pm »

went to see a faith healer last night, he was useless and even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out...

Laurie · « **Reply #6372 on:** April 17, 2019, 06:45:44 pm »

In the wreckage of the cathedral the firefighters could only salvage a small case. Inside they found two sandwiches, a bag of crisps and a carton of juice.

It was the lunchpack of Notre Dame

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6373 on:** April 20, 2019, 09:15:06 am »

I’ve been out looking for some roadkill, but it’s a bit thin on the ground.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6374 on:** April 25, 2019, 08:36:47 am »

I can't believe how many times I've been let down by the people who had arranged to come and fix my broken doorbell.