Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1233269 times)

Offline Tricky Dicky

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6525 on: October 04, 2019, 01:43:24 pm »
What's brown and sticky - and plays the trumpet??




Gluey Armstrong  ;D ;D ;D

Offline Tricky Dicky

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6526 on: October 04, 2019, 02:10:41 pm »
I noticed there is a competition for 'World's best sexual contortionist', so I've entered myself.

I was going to enter, but didn't get round to it............

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6527 on: October 04, 2019, 07:48:40 pm »
What if the Hokey-Cokey is what it's all about?
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline Tricky Dicky

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6528 on: October 07, 2019, 02:54:02 pm »


I’ve had such a bad morning.

First I got into fight with a guy dressed as Shakespeare, then I almost choked on a German sausage.

It’s gone from bard to wurst…

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6529 on: October 08, 2019, 07:25:04 pm »
"Spot!" I said. "Here boy! Come on. Come to daddy. Here boy!" I patted my legs, waved a stick, made a panting noise. Nothing. He didn't move a muscle.

Honestly, goldfish are so stupid.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6530 on: October 09, 2019, 12:06:17 am »
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was " Pints, litres, gallons".
That spoke volumes.
MNRC

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6531 on: October 09, 2019, 09:37:59 am »
That reminds me of one that's probably been on here before:

"I really should have listened to the advice my old grandpa gave me."

"Why - what advice did he give you?"

"I don't know - I didn't listen."
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline bograt

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6532 on: October 10, 2019, 09:40:37 am »
Sewage worker tripped up - fell between two stools---
Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment

Online Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6533 on: October 10, 2019, 12:18:30 pm »
If he couldn't swim, he probably went through the motions.

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6534 on: October 10, 2019, 12:21:27 pm »
One could say he was up shit creek without a paddle.
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6535 on: October 10, 2019, 05:27:18 pm »
I bet there was a lot of paperwork!


Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6536 on: October 11, 2019, 11:54:50 am »
As I sat there this morning drinking coffee in my slippers.
I thought "I really must wash some cups".
Malc
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Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6537 on: October 15, 2019, 05:58:49 pm »
Emperor Nero was watching some Christians being thrown to the lions. He turned to his wife and said, "Do you know what I like most about this sport? No pitch invasions."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6538 on: October 15, 2019, 10:11:47 pm »
That reminds me of the time a particularly holy saint was thrown to the lions.   They soon polished him off, but were all violently sick afterwards.

As one of them said to the others,

"You just can't keep a good man down." 
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6539 on: October 21, 2019, 09:43:35 am »
At the airport - "Just thinking dear, I wish we'd bought the telly with us". "Why's that dear, do you think you're going to be bored on holiday?"

"No dear; the passports are on top of it".

"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6540 on: October 25, 2019, 04:25:20 pm »
What has no wheels and is drawn by reindeer?
A really bad picture of a car.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline cavingbiker

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6541 on: October 26, 2019, 09:27:59 am »
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

Offline Martin Wright

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6542 on: October 28, 2019, 12:13:45 pm »
What do you call a Welshman in a Rugby World Cup Final?


The referee

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6543 on: October 30, 2019, 08:32:45 pm »
Yesterday I yelled I to a colander.  I strained my voice.
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6544 on: October 30, 2019, 11:36:11 pm »
I told my mate that I’d always fancied Beyonce. He said, ‘well whatever floats your boat’ & I said, ‘no that’s buoyancy’

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6545 on: October 31, 2019, 12:45:53 am »
The other day I went to a reunion at Clarks.

What a load of cobblers.
R.Sole was there, he laced someone's drink causing them to stagger into a display stand.
It was sole destroying.

Maj.


Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Online shotlighter

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6546 on: October 31, 2019, 10:50:24 am »
I suppose that's the last reunion.

Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6547 on: October 31, 2019, 04:07:05 pm »
I’ll be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.
Sod the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.
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Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6548 on: November 01, 2019, 09:22:56 am »
I suppose that's the last reunion.


Anvile it was too!
But someone had to toe the party line.

Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6549 on: November 02, 2019, 01:13:47 pm »
I phoned up Weight Watchers, and said, “it’s an emergency; can you send somebody round?”

They said, “yeah - we’ve got loads of them.”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"