Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1319404 times)

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6800 on: May 29, 2020, 07:00:54 pm »
I liked the question from Sky news to Gove that went like this

Sky - "What's the government advice on what to do if Covid has affected your eye sight"

Gove - "Seek medical attention"

Sky - "So it's not to put a 4 year old in the back of your car and go for a drive?"

'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline Pitlamp

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6801 on: May 29, 2020, 08:35:32 pm »
I don't know whether to laugh or emigrate.

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6802 on: May 29, 2020, 08:45:22 pm »
I’m surprised I’ve beaten zombiecake to this you tube clip. 

Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6803 on: May 29, 2020, 11:32:24 pm »
Quote
I’m surprised I’ve beaten zombiecake to this you tube clip.
I do apologise, I have had a rare fit of sanity.  I've contacted my tailor (regrettably not the Swift one) and ordered a better straight jacket. Normal service should resume soon.  By the way, that's an excellent Bobby Pickett cover, well spotted.

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6804 on: May 30, 2020, 10:25:37 pm »
You know how the Dutch tulips grow so well?

They feed the plants on ground up hamsters - that's Tulips from hamster jam
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6805 on: May 31, 2020, 05:14:46 pm »
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the rabbit, “what’ll it be?”

The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect”.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Martin Wright

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6806 on: June 01, 2020, 08:51:31 am »
The seven dwarves have been told that from today they can meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.
The deepest solace lies in understanding this ancient unseen stream

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6807 on: June 01, 2020, 09:06:42 am »
I never get a second love letter - even after I've gone to all the trouble of sending back the first with highlighted spelling and grammatical corrections.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6808 on: June 03, 2020, 08:57:09 am »
Granddad’s in a home now. Amazing isn’t it? - 89 years old and he’s still an active burglar.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6809 on: June 03, 2020, 10:47:52 am »
Scientists have discovered that milk yields rise when the cows are spoken to by the farmer.  They say it's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Online bograt

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6810 on: June 03, 2020, 03:15:54 pm »
I'm very fond of Babybel's,


I love baby cheeses-----
Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment

Online crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6811 on: June 03, 2020, 11:30:43 pm »
 So good you had to say it twice?
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline Dickie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6812 on: June 04, 2020, 01:44:43 am »
It's a Christmas thing.
Amazin Razin rools OK!

Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6813 on: June 04, 2020, 04:57:23 pm »
The Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic.
Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
MNRC

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6814 on: June 05, 2020, 09:07:52 am »
I opened the credit card statement and then looked at my wife and then again at the huge debt.

Money spent frivolously on dresses, shoes and handbags.

She mustn't find out.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Martin Wright

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6815 on: June 05, 2020, 09:34:37 am »
Reminds me of the guy whose wife had her credit card stolen but he didn't report it as the thief was spending less than she was.
The deepest solace lies in understanding this ancient unseen stream

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6816 on: June 07, 2020, 09:51:45 am »
I went for a vasectomy yesterday because I didn’t want to have kids anymore. It was unsuccessful though - when I got home, they were still there.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6817 on: June 07, 2020, 08:48:53 pm »
 ...............................
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6818 on: June 09, 2020, 01:58:50 pm »
Got my wife a new belt and a new bag for her birthday....
she was not very happy but the Hoover works a treat now.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6819 on: June 09, 2020, 07:14:35 pm »
A man visiting Scotland enters a very old pub. But though the pub is full of people no one appeared to be drinking. Undeterred the man asks for a pint of beer. The barman pulls the pint and charges 1p. "1p for a pint of beer?’ ask the man. “Arh well” explains the barman “Today the pub is 100 years old, so to celebrate we are today charging the prices of a 100 years ago”
"Thats fantastic " says the man “But why is nobody else in the pub drinking?”
The barman replies "They’re waiting for Happy Hour to start’
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6820 on: June 10, 2020, 02:18:16 pm »
Anyone else out there accidently summoned a demon while trying to pronounce IKEA furniture names?
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6821 on: June 11, 2020, 11:37:14 pm »
Quote
Anyone else out there accidently summoned a demon while trying to pronounce IKEA furniture names?

Yeah, sorry about that....  Oh well, at least their bookcases are nice.


Online Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6822 on: June 12, 2020, 05:22:00 pm »
Demons have book cases... well you learn something new everyday.
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6823 on: June 12, 2020, 06:31:00 pm »
Of course.  You have to educate your inner demons.

Offline roo.walters.4

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6824 on: June 12, 2020, 07:53:33 pm »
What’s the best way to avoid touching your face during the lockdown?

 A glass of wine in each hand

 

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