Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1321588 times)

Offline graham

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #350 on: November 09, 2006, 10:06:15 am »
OK I know that it's only Thursday, but this is simply brilliant.

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Offline rhychydwr1

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Offline Peter Burgess

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #352 on: November 10, 2006, 09:07:23 am »
That's not an ostrich. Good photo, though.

Offline Hughie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #353 on: November 10, 2006, 10:02:44 am »
OK I know that it's only Thursday, but this is simply brilliant.

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

That's superb! :lol: :lol:

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Offline gus horsley

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Re: I think Gus needs a haircut
« Reply #355 on: November 10, 2006, 12:38:51 pm »

Offline stealth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #356 on: November 15, 2006, 01:36:19 pm »
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me.  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.  He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed, ....

"Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
Adults are people that have stopped growing at either end but still grow in the middle.

Offline rhychydwr1

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Essex Girls eh ??????
« Reply #357 on: November 20, 2006, 08:11:39 am »
Subject: Essex Girls eh ??????


As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Tracy
and do you know are losing some of your load?"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Tracy
and you are still losing some of your load!".


Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again:  All out of breath, the blonde
gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker again, lowers the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Tracy and you must know that you are spilling lots of your load?"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races up to the next light.

When he stops this time, he jumps out of the truck and strolls back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and she lowers it, he then says,

"Hi, my name is Tony and you should know that I'm actually driving a f**king gritting lorry !!!!"


Offline rhychydwr1

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ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE
« Reply #358 on: November 20, 2006, 08:17:41 am »
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Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #359 on: November 21, 2006, 09:43:24 pm »
a man was walking through a graveyard and he heard a chip chip noise so he decided to follow it then he heard the noise agen he cane to a toombstone were the noise was coming from
he then walked around the toomb stome and saw a man there with a chissel
so he says what u doing in a deep voice
the man reples omg u nearly scared the living daylights out of me
the man then said o right sorry so what you actually doing and tyhe man replied they spelt my naim rong the funeral was today and i cant rest in peace if my name is spelt wrong can i ...

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #360 on: November 25, 2006, 04:22:50 pm »
ha ha ha nice won ditzy

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #361 on: November 25, 2006, 05:46:43 pm »
    Yodelling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?


Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of
Switzerland


 Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
 He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the
night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.


As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father,
"Who is that man going into the barn?"


"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a
place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."


The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared
him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.


About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing
disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.


The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that
perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out
to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was
askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.


The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and
continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.


When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone,
she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye,"
she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"


"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house
looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.


The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had
sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his
hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

            "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"            :thumbsup:
Up yer passage !

Offline rhychydwr1

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Thanksgiving Divorce
« Reply #362 on: November 27, 2006, 09:05:23 am »
Thanksgiving  Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in  New York the day before  Thanksgiving
and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to  tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing;  forty-five years of misery is  enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son  screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"  the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking  about this, so you
call your sister in Chicago and tell  her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on  the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts,  "I'll take care of
this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately,and  screams at her father, "You are  NOT
getting  divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm  calling my brother
back, and we'll both be there  tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and  hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his  wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and  paying their own
way."



Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #363 on: November 27, 2006, 07:39:17 pm »
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

Offline Sid Weighells Dog

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #364 on: November 29, 2006, 05:03:23 pm »
I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Pedigree Chum biscuits at Asda and was queuing up to pay.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stone before I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your coat or trouser pockets with Pedigree Chum biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned by the dog biscuits and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls when a car hit me.

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #365 on: December 03, 2006, 01:31:38 pm »
3 Priests lived on an Island in the tropical Pacific Ocean.

One Day Father Andrew went fishing with the local boys in their outrigger canoe. The local boys had no luck, but father Andrew landed the biggest, ugliest fish he'd ever seen.

"My goodnes, whatever is it!" he exclaimed.
"Big Faker" replied one of the boys.
"Excuse me!" said Father Andrew "I'm a man of the cloth, no swearing please."
"Nah, That's what we call it!" replied the locals.
"Oh well so be it" sighed father Andrew.

Having returned to the Plam thatched Vicarage, with the fish, Father Andrew went into the kithchen and put the fish on the table. In trooped Fathers Christopher and Jacob.

"My goodnes, what a huge monster!" excliamed father Christopher.
"What's it called?" asked father Jacob.
"Big Faker" repiled father Andrew.
"Hold on, no swearing please." Chorused the two others.
"No, no its what its called by the locals." replied father Andrew.

"Hey, we've got the bishop comming over to the Island for Supper today, why don't we serve it to him?" said father Andrew.
"Ok, I'll gut it." said father Christopher.
"And I'll cook it."said father Jacob.

So the set to work, cleaning, gutting and cooking the fish. The Bishop duly arrived and the sat down to a tremendous fish supper. After Eating all of the fish the Bishop asked:

"My, my that was a tremendous, fish supper, what do you call it and how was it perpared?"
Father Andrew pipes up: "Its called a "Big Faker", I caught it, father Christopher gutted it and father Jacob cooked it."

the bishop reached into his hassock and produced a bottle of burbon and a huge joint, he poured 4 large glasses of drink, sat back, lit the joint took a few puffs passed it to the assembled fathers and said:
"Well I guess you B********S are all right!"

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #366 on: December 03, 2006, 02:30:55 pm »
Blonde joke

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Offline rhychydwr1

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Another parrot joke
« Reply #367 on: December 08, 2006, 02:33:57 pm »
There you go lads???

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since
she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave
the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the
counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my doberman Spike. He won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk
to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following
day,he discovered the biggest, meanest looking doberman he has ever
seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet
watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the
repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

 See Men just dont listen

Offline rhychydwr1

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Personal ad translations
« Reply #368 on: December 11, 2006, 02:23:45 pm »

Ladies make sure you read this right through till the end!!!

Here is one to make you laugh

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS :

          40-ish                        -       49

          Adventurous               -       Slept with everyone

          Athletic                      -       No tits

          Average looking          -       Ugly

          Beautiful                     -       Pathological liar

          Contagious Smile        -       Does a lot of pills

          Emotionally secure      -       On medication

          Feminist                     -       Fat

          Free spirit                   -       Junkie

          Friendship first            -       Former very *friendly*person

          Fun                            -       Annoying

          New Age                    -       Body hair in the wrong places

          Open-minded              -       Desperate

          Outgoing                    -       Loud and Embarrassing

          Passionate                 -       Sloppy drunk

          Professional               -       Bitch

          Voluptuous                 -       Very Fat

          Large frame                 -       Hugely Fat

          Wants Soul mate         -       Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

          1. Yes                                  =       No

          2. No                                    =       Yes

          3. Maybe                               =       No

          4. We need                            =       I want

          5. I am sorry                           =       you'll be sorry

          6. We need to talk                   =       you're in trouble

          7. Sure, go ahead                    =       you better not

          8. Do what you want                 =       you will pay for his later

          9. I am not upset                      =      Of course I am upset, you moron!

        10. You're very attentive tonight    =      is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH :

          1. I am hungry                                        =    I am hungry

          2. I am sleepy                                        =    I am sleepy

          3. I am tired                                           =   I am tired

          4. Nice dress                                          =   Nice cleavage!

          5. I love you                                           =   Lets have sex now

          6. I am bored                                         =  Do you want to have sex?

          7. May I have this dance?                       = I'd like to have sex with you

          8. Can I call you sometime?                    =  I'd like to have sex with you

          9. Do you want to go to a movie?           =  I'd like to have sex with you


         10. Can I take you out to dinner?            =  I'd like to have sex with you

          11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit  = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump
shoved up his backside.



NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!





Offline graham

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #369 on: December 12, 2006, 08:20:59 am »
A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.

"You dirty git " shouts the barmaid "get out before I get my husband".

The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out!" she storms. Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.

"One more chance'" says the barmaid. "Now, what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, open your legs and fill your pussy with Stella Artois, and then drink every last drop from it".

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.

"Right, He's dead" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Stella and then drink it all" she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Stella!"
Caving is for Life not just for Christmas

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #370 on: December 12, 2006, 09:52:06 am »
The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven", she replies.

The sheriff thinks to himself, "Thats not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!"

"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.

"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.

The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.

"Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" he asks her.

The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was exultant. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
 :lol:

Offline rhychydwr1

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The Christmas Party!!
« Reply #371 on: December 13, 2006, 10:54:32 am »
CHRISTMAS PARTY


FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 1st November 2005

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
 place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private
function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty
of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional
carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up
 dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at  1.00p.m.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for
employees!

The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 2nd November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
 employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not
this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday
Party'.

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not
Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas
carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------

FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift
exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union
Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe
£10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


Pauline.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2005


RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating
and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill
House can hold off on serving your meal
until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little
foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays
are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit
with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be
flower  arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking
permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will
have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available
for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food
we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November 2005

RE: The F******* Holiday Party.


Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going
to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not,
so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f******
salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have
feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!


I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.


The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------

FROM: John, Acting Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 9th November 2005

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy
recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In
the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December
off with full pay.

John


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Offline ditzy

  • The ditzy caving
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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #372 on: December 13, 2006, 06:40:22 pm »
 Don't Kick the Animals, Man   
 
     A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"
 

Offline Peter Burgess

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #373 on: December 13, 2006, 07:34:59 pm »
I don't get it. Why would anyone want to eat a hairy cat  :doubt:

Offline Brains

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #374 on: December 13, 2006, 07:56:41 pm »
Is he being "tongue" in cheek?

 

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