Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1347542 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6975 on: August 24, 2020, 12:50:47 pm »
A man walked into a bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked up at him and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

The guy said, “You know what, I bet he will.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.” The guy placed £30 on the bar and said, "You’re on!“

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her £30 to the chap saying, "Fair’s fair… Here’s your money.“

The man replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6976 on: August 29, 2020, 06:02:12 pm »
I called my wife at work.

I asked “Do you ever get a stabbing pain across your body, like someone's made a voodoo doll of you and is sticking puns in it?”

“No!”

“How about...now?”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6977 on: August 30, 2020, 06:50:40 pm »
If your rice is too soggy just leave it overnight in a bowl of mobile phones.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6978 on: August 31, 2020, 09:17:53 pm »
I used to live just a stone's throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6979 on: September 03, 2020, 12:59:26 pm »
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6980 on: September 03, 2020, 03:55:32 pm »
Little known fact: Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6981 on: September 04, 2020, 09:36:30 am »
“How do you explain this gap in your C.V.?”

“That’s when I went to Yale”

“That’s impressive ! You’re hired!”

“Thanks, I really need this yob…”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6982 on: September 05, 2020, 07:26:01 pm »
.........................
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6983 on: September 05, 2020, 10:45:49 pm »
When one door closes, another door opens...

but apart from that my old Land Rover is not a bad truck for its' age

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6984 on: September 06, 2020, 06:57:35 pm »
I was bored so my wife said "why don't you make a bird table"


Now she's not speaking because I put her in fifth place
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6985 on: September 11, 2020, 08:49:07 am »
If anyone’s got any ideas about how I can fix my dreadful condensation problem, please pop round - the kettle’s always on.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6986 on: September 11, 2020, 08:04:58 pm »
.....................................
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6987 on: September 13, 2020, 10:47:14 am »
It is very sad but I never got married. You see, my in-laws were unable to have children...
MNRC

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6988 on: September 13, 2020, 01:41:08 pm »
My neighbour banged on my door at 2 o'clock this morning! Luckily, I was still up playing my drums.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6989 on: September 13, 2020, 05:38:25 pm »
I just arrived at one of those Swiss euthanasia clinics.
Do you know what they've given me for breakfast?
Cheerios!
MNRC

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6990 on: September 13, 2020, 07:27:31 pm »
Do Tesco's sell fishcakes? It's my goldfish's birthday tomorrow.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6991 on: September 13, 2020, 08:53:34 pm »
A farmer friend of mine moved to North Wales and bought a farm in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.   Unfortunately, none of his sheep survived the branding.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6992 on: September 15, 2020, 01:48:54 pm »
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example: Jane ate her friend’s sandwich.

Jane ate her friend’s colon.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6993 on: September 17, 2020, 07:30:47 am »
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6994 on: September 17, 2020, 07:06:59 pm »
To be fair, one of the 7 is a dog, which don't count.
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Online Oceanrower

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6995 on: September 17, 2020, 07:10:53 pm »
To be fair, one of the 7 is a dog, which don't count.

Err. Want to bet?

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6996 on: September 17, 2020, 07:57:54 pm »
Maybe I am thinking of the famous 5.
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline aardgoose

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6997 on: September 17, 2020, 08:13:31 pm »

Yep, the fifth was a dog 'Timmy'.

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6998 on: September 18, 2020, 09:09:30 am »
Made me chuckle
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6999 on: September 20, 2020, 06:53:19 pm »
During his military service Elvis served in the bomb disposal team due to his experience with suspicious mines.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

 

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