Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1470224 times)

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7600 on: September 05, 2021, 05:59:06 pm »
I visited my wife in hospital earlier and took her flowers.

My girlfriend's going to love them!
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7601 on: September 06, 2021, 02:37:15 pm »
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said..
"You know, one would have been enough."
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7602 on: September 06, 2021, 02:56:33 pm »
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, " I've seen you before. Are you sure you're not an alcoholic?"
"I don't think I am." says the horse and promptly vanishes.

Now obviously this is a pun on Descartes famous phrase I think therefore I am. I could have said that in the first place but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
Malc
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Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7603 on: September 09, 2021, 08:45:57 pm »
My wife thinks she's a chicken. I would look for a cure but we need the eggs.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7604 on: September 10, 2021, 12:14:40 pm »
I just attended a conference about the future of door signage.
Turns out exit signs are on the way out
MNRC

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7605 on: September 10, 2021, 09:49:12 pm »
Judge describes man who stole Viagra from a pharmacy as " a hardened criminal".
Mrs Trellis
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North Wales

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7606 on: September 10, 2021, 09:54:18 pm »
Last week, my next door neighbour asked me, "Seeing as our houses are the same design, can I ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the living room?"

"Thirteen," I said.

Today, he came round looking angry. "I've got three rolls left over!"

"So did I!" I said.
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline aardgoose

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7607 on: September 10, 2021, 10:27:40 pm »

Quote
Judge describes man who stole Viagra from a pharmacy as " a hardened criminal".


Not in this case...

https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/man-who-stole-viagra-pharmacy-21537858

Offline oldfart

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7608 on: September 11, 2021, 09:08:41 am »
A pastor, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar.  After a couple of drinks, they start talking about their physical characteristics, and the priest says, "so, Rabbit, what's your blood type?"  Rabbit says, "I think I'm a type O."

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7609 on: September 12, 2021, 11:39:13 am »
A rabbi and a priest are involved in a head on collison between their two cars.  After they both manage to crawl out of the wreckage, the rabbi looks and the priest and says:

"Look at that! Both of our cars are completely demolished, and yet here we are alive and well! This must be a sign from God that we should become good friends!"

The priest looks at the damage and agrees.

The rabbi then grabs something from his destroyed car and says: "And look at that, even though everything in my car is destroyed, this bottle of expensive wine is not broken. This is also a sign from God that we should open it now and drink together to celebrate our new friendship!".

The priest agrees.

The rabbi than hands the wine bottle to the priest who swallows a few gulps and then hands it back to the rabbi.

The rabbi immediately puts the bottle cap on and hands it back to the priest.

The priest, confused, asks "Aren't you going to drink some?"

The rabbi than says "You know... I think I'll wait for the police to arrive!"
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7610 on: September 12, 2021, 02:50:16 pm »
Doctor -  "How much do you weigh?"
"83kg with my glasses on"
"So how much do you weigh without your glasses on?"
"I don't know, I can't see".
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7611 on: September 12, 2021, 04:16:51 pm »
BREAKING: Education Secretary Gavin Williamson first to congratulate new British US Open Champion Maku Vunipola.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7612 on: September 13, 2021, 07:02:41 pm »
Veni, Vidi, Velcro


I came, I saw, I stuck around...
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7613 on: Yesterday at 07:49:14 am »
I cooked a Sunday roast for the Royal family a while back; the Queen was that impressed at the end, she dipped a finger in the gravy boat and wrote 'O.B.E' on my chest.
Never thought she'd Bisto an honour on me.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Oceanrower

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7614 on: Yesterday at 08:00:39 am »
There are calls for Emma Raducanu to be made an M.B.E. following her win at the US open.

It is not known yet if the Queen will grant an honour to the teenager, but Prince Andrew has stated that he’ll give her one…

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7615 on: Yesterday at 08:23:04 am »
good to see one Brit's not afraid of a US court.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Wardy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7616 on: Yesterday at 10:16:28 pm »
Is it not the case that one Brit served successfully, whilst the other has been successfully served!

Offline Wardy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7617 on: Yesterday at 10:26:15 pm »
Successful serving has been life changing for both.
One achieved break point and her life will be different forever.
The other is close to breaking point and his life is likely to be different forever.
How proud all the parents must be!

 

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