Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1227034 times)

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #375 on: December 13, 2006, 08:17:54 pm »
now that i think about it i dnt get it! i got it from a joke book does any 1 get the joke?
 :-\ :doubt:

Online Brains

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #376 on: December 13, 2006, 09:28:42 pm »
Doh!
No pussy for him!
Bad joke cos he is married with kids, therefore no pussy anyway,
In the context of the joke, specifically eating pussy...

Please dont tell me you still dont get it

Offline Les W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #377 on: December 13, 2006, 09:33:03 pm »
Please dont tell me you still dont get it

3 times a week!  :thumbsup:
I'm a very busy person

Offline graham

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #378 on: December 13, 2006, 09:51:18 pm »
Please dont tell me you still dont get it

3 times a week!  :thumbsup:

Been cutting down then, Les?  :coffee:
Caving is for Life not just for Christmas

Offline Les W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #379 on: December 13, 2006, 09:57:07 pm »
Been cutting down then, Les?  :coffee:

Have to save some energy for caving  ;D
I'm a very busy person

Offline graham

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #380 on: December 13, 2006, 09:58:31 pm »
Fair enough.
Caving is for Life not just for Christmas

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #381 on: December 13, 2006, 10:00:54 pm »
 
  Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.

"Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Tom replies.

The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It was at the end of this key!" Tom replies.

At this point, the cop looks down and sees Tom's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Tom, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"

Tom looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"
 

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #382 on: December 15, 2006, 07:04:23 pm »

Offline rhychydwr1

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The Redhead
« Reply #383 on: December 16, 2006, 01:12:55 pm »
THE REDHEAD

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He instinctively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

 

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest thoughts and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

 

(oh, shut up and just forward it!)

 


Offline rhychydwr1

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Shipwrecked
« Reply #384 on: December 16, 2006, 01:24:31 pm »
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and
a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that
they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the
man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze
-- perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get
"those feelings" again..

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned
over to Hillary, cautiously and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"



Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #385 on: December 16, 2006, 05:05:22 pm »
Little old lady goes to the drs 4 viagra pills 4 her husband The dr says it comes in 3 strengths 30%semi hard 40% hard & 60% rock hard old lady says "i'll have the 30%please it's just to stop him pissing on his slippers"
 
 :o
Up yer passage !

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #386 on: December 16, 2006, 05:06:36 pm »
A dustman knocks on a japanese blokes door and the jap says harro, and the dustman replies wheres ur bin ? I bin on the loo says the jap? No mate wheres ya dustbin? I dust bin on the loo i told u ? Mate! Where is ur wheelie bin ? Ho k  i wheelie bin having a wank  :o :o
Up yer passage !

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #387 on: December 16, 2006, 06:11:10 pm »
 
  Reaching the end of a job...   
 
         Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

    "In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

   "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

   "Wow! Are you kidding?"
 

Offline darthnoddy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #388 on: December 16, 2006, 08:10:15 pm »
Can someone explain? :-[
..............I can fit through that..........

Offline graham

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #389 on: December 16, 2006, 08:16:49 pm »
Can someone explain? :-[

I think Ditzy has left off the last line:

"Well, you started it."
Caving is for Life not just for Christmas

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #390 on: December 17, 2006, 01:20:57 pm »
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E.  Coli) Bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Crap.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, beer (or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Therefore....

WATER = CRAP

WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Crap, drink WINE!!!   

It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. 

I am doing it as a public service.


Have a nice day...

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #391 on: December 17, 2006, 01:50:44 pm »
what do you call ghosts that put out fires?

a fire frighter

Walrus

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #392 on: December 17, 2006, 01:56:57 pm »
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?




Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #393 on: December 17, 2006, 02:08:27 pm »
ummm not tell them the answer?

 :shrug:

Offline Peter Burgess

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #394 on: December 17, 2006, 02:12:01 pm »
At the risk of being frowned upon for posting something serious in a joke thread - E.Coli are naturally occurring bacteria in everbodys digestive tract. You would probably feel very ill if you didn't have them. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Someone gets poisoned by a particular strain of E.Coli and everyone then thinks that E.Coli are nasty bugs. Not true.

wormster

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #395 on: December 17, 2006, 03:07:48 pm »
Peter:

"I've seen it. It's rubbish."  :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #396 on: December 17, 2006, 06:19:50 pm »
tanyas joke of the day


why did silly billie eat just bread for tea?

beacause it said whole- meal on the packet

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Walrus

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #397 on: December 17, 2006, 09:59:44 pm »
Did you know... the word 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary. Go on... look it up!

Offline stealth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #398 on: December 18, 2006, 10:39:08 am »
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day?


Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve! 

 :lol:
Adults are people that have stopped growing at either end but still grow in the middle.

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #399 on: December 18, 2006, 10:48:01 am »
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

thats a good 1 stealth