Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1321601 times)

Offline Mark

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #450 on: December 24, 2006, 08:22:43 pm »
what happened to the child who ate tinsel?

they got tinselitus

By Jove she's got it

Offline rhychydwr1

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« Reply #451 on: December 29, 2006, 08:51:55 am »
To make you chuckle, maybe, or weep!

Subject: Rumsfeldisms

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable 
than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it

"We do know of certain knowledge that he [Osama Bin Laden] is 
either in Afghanistan, or in some other country, or dead."

"We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and 
Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat." -(on Iraq's 
weapons of mass destruction)

"Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war."

"Freedom's untidy, and free people are free to make mistakes and 
commit crimes and do bad things." (on looting in Iraq after the 
U.S. invasion, adding "stuff happens")

"As you know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army 
you might want or wish to have at a later time."

"[Osama Bin Laden is] either alive and well or alive and not too 
well or not alive."

"I am not going to give you a number for it because it's not my 
business to do intelligent work." (asked to estimate the number of 
Iraqi insurgents while testifying before Congress)

"Needless to say, the President is correct. Whatever it was he

"If I said yes, that would then suggest that that might be the only
  place where it might be done which would not be accurate, 
necessarily accurate. It might also not be inaccurate, but I'm 
disinclined to mislead anyone."

"There's another way to phrase that and that is that the absence of
  evidence is not the evidence of absence. It is basically saying
the  same thing in a different way. Simply because you do not have 
evidence that something does exist does not mean that you have 
evidence that it doesn't exist." -on Iraq's weapons of mass 

"It is unknowable how long that conflict [the war in Iraq] will 
last. It could last six days, six weeks. I doubt six months." -in 
Feb. 2003

"Well, um, you know, something's neither good nor bad but thinking 
makes it so, I suppose, as Shakespeare said."

"Secretary Powell and I agree on every single issue that has ever 
been before this administration except for those instances where 
Colin's still learning."

"Learn to say 'I don't know.' If used when appropriate, it will be 

"I don't know what the facts are but somebody's certainly going to 
sit down with him and find out what he knows that they may not 
know, and make sure he knows what they know that he may not know."

"I'm not into this detail stuff. I'm more concepty."

"I don't do quagmires."

"I don't do diplomacy."

"I don't do foreign policy."

"I don't do predictions."

"I don't do numbers."

"I don't do book reviews."

"Now, settle down, settle down. Hell, I'm an old man, it's early in
  the morning and I'm gathering my thoughts here."

"If I know the answer I'll tell you the answer, and if I don't, 
I'll just respond, cleverly."

"Oh, Lord. I didn't mean to say anything quotable."

No terrorist state poses a greater or more immediate threat to the 
security of our people and the stability of the world than the 
regime of Saddam Hussein in Iraq.

It seems to me that it's up to all of us to try to tell the truth, 
to say what we know, to say what we don't know, and recognize that 
we're dealing with people that are perfectly willing to, to lie to 
the world to attempt to further their case and to the extent people
 lie of, ultimately they are caught lying and they lose their 
credibility and one would think it wouldn't take very long for that
  to happen dealing with people like this.

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #452 on: December 29, 2006, 11:09:51 am »
what happened to the child who ate tinsel?

they got tinselitus

By Jove she's got it

yes i got it i know whata joke is

Offline rhychydwr1

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Look out Gus
« Reply #453 on: December 29, 2006, 11:53:22 am »
This is hilarious.....try it. Click on the site below.

Look for fire button lower right side.

Keep missing on purpose and listen to Gus...

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #454 on: December 30, 2006, 01:07:57 pm »
Q. How does a farmer find a sheep in the long grass?

A. Satisfying !
Up yer passage !

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #455 on: December 30, 2006, 01:11:22 pm »
Q. They have just found a new use for sheep in Wales?

A. Yes - Wool.
Up yer passage !

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #456 on: December 30, 2006, 01:16:08 pm »
Q. Why do farmers have sex with sheep on the edge of mountains?

A. So they'll push back harder !
Up yer passage !

Offline Greg Jones

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #457 on: December 30, 2006, 01:48:59 pm »
You can't beat a good sheep joke, and here's one of my favourites. Try to stick with it to the end.

There was once a farmer, let's call him farmer Les, and it came to the time of year when the sheep had to be impregnated. Les was a poor farmer, who didn't own a ram of his own, so when he needed a ram he hired one in to do the business. So Les hires this ram, at what he considers to be a fairly steep day-rate but, what-the-heck, he's only going to have it for a couple of days at the most.

So Les pops the ram in with the flock of ewes and leaves him to it. For those of you unfamiliar with the ways of the country, the ram is fitted with a marker that leaves a coloured dab on the ewes back once she has been serviced.

Early the next morning Les inspects his flock to find that none of the ewes have been serviced. Off he goes to to see the vet.

"Vetnary!" says Les, "oive ired this ere ram to service me ewes an e asnt done a single one of um in a day. Ees costing me an arm an a leg in ire fees, can ya give me summat to perk im up a bit."

"Les my dear chap" says the vet, "it isn't the ram thats at fault here, it's your ewes. They're not in the mood".

"Well can ya give us summat for the ewes then" booms Les.

"Les" says the vet, "you know that's not what's needed here. You have to put them in the mood yourself".

"YOU WHAT" roars Les.

"You know what you have to do" says the vet, "now get off home and make a start".

So Les goes back to the farm. He loads all the ewes into his old van and drives them to a field out of sight of the farm, and sets to work, "putting the ewes in the right frame of mind" so to speak. Four hours later, after a marathon sheep-shagging session, Les drives back to the farm, puts the ewes back in the field with the ram, and goes indoors to his bed.

Next morning, as was the custom in Les's household; Doris, his wife of 30 years, gets up first to start breakfast. She opens the curtains. "Doris, Doris" says Les, "as that ram serviced them ewes yet". "No Les" she replies, "not a single one". "Bugger" muttered Les.

Off he races back to the vet.

"Vetnary, ya gottoo elp me" pleaded Les. "I dun wot ya sed; I gev them ewes a good seeing to, but the ram ant dun a single one of um".

"Les" says the vet, "what sort of farmer are you that can't sex-up a few ewes. Get back home and do the job properly".

So back goes Les, loads all the ewes into his van, drives to the secluded field, shags all the ewes, puts them back in the van, back to the farm, unloads the ewes into the field with the ram; then staggers inside to his bed.

Next morning, Doris gets up and opens the curtains. "Doris, Doris" says Les, "as that ram shagged them ewes yet".

"No luv", says Doris, "not a single one of them".

"Bugger" says Les.

Now the cost of hiring the ram is a bit steep as I've already said, so Les rushes off back to the vet.


"Les, Les, calm down", says the vet. "You know as well as I do that there is no magic potion. You have to get the ewes in the mood yourself in the time honoured way of the country farmer. Get yourself off home, have a good meal, then see what you can do".

So Les gets back to the farm, has a good fry-up, then sets to work with renewed vigour.

He loads all the sheep into the van, drives them over the hill, gets them all out, shags them all twice for good measure, loads them all back in the van, back to the farm, into the field with the ram, then crawls into the farmhouse and collapses into his bed, an empty shell of the man he once was.

Early the next morning, before even Doris has risen, they are woken by a loud commotion outside. Doris leaps out of bed and throws back the curtains.


"No Les" she replies, "but all the ewes are in your van, and one of thems beeping the horn!".


Offline rhychydwr1

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Subject: 10 Finkers
« Reply #458 on: January 02, 2007, 10:39:37 am »
 Subject: 10 Finkers

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he    accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky  doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do." Ole said,  "I  haven't got da finkers." 

 "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said.  "Lord-it's 2006  and  Ive's got  microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and  made  you like new!
Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says........"How da fock vas I  suppose  to pick dem up?

Offline AndyF

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #459 on: January 03, 2007, 10:58:55 am »
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
"Life's a pitch, then you fall down one..."

Offline AndyF

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #460 on: January 03, 2007, 10:59:23 am »
New Priest

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like......... "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No s*** .... what happened next??"
"Life's a pitch, then you fall down one..."

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #461 on: January 03, 2007, 05:36:13 pm »
 A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
 third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. They
 dusted themselves off and surveyed their situation.
 Finally, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
 "I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive 
 than a day or two."
"I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it 
 of here alive, would you do something for me?"
 "Anything father."
 "I've never seen a woman's breasts. I was wondering if I could see
 "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm, so
 the nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
 breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
 "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled
 them for several minutes.
 "Father, could I ask something of you?"
 "Of course, sister."
 "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
 "I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
 "Oh father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few 
 of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
 give life."
 "Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, sister."
Oh Father, that's wonderful! Stick it in the camel and let's get the 
 hell out of here." :thumbsup:


Up yer passage !

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #462 on: January 04, 2007, 06:30:31 pm »
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old. Since her

new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and

Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new

but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night



After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the

expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and

there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to



After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and

it's Morris. Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne

consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his

bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.


She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Morris is back

again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more

action. Once again they enjoy each other.


But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am

thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.

I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.

You are truly a great lover, Morris."


Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was

here already?"


Alzheimer's - it has its advantages  :thumbsup:


Up yer passage !

Offline rhychydwr1

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Always check before you wrap something
« Reply #463 on: January 05, 2007, 11:35:29 am »
Subject: Always check before you wrap something

A Young man called John wanted to buy his new girlfriend a Christmas present. As they hadn't been seeing each other for very long ,he decided after careful consideration,that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.  He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves, The sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself at the same time.  During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers, Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:-

Dear Sasha,
I chose these because i've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister i would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove. These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, In fact she hasn�t need to wash it since she began wearing them, I wish i was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will naturally be a little damp from wearing, Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love

P.S.The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #464 on: January 08, 2007, 09:20:26 am »
 Two eggs   
Two eggs are in a frying pan and one says “Man it’s hot in here.” The other one says “Holy sh*t a talking egg!” 

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #465 on: January 11, 2007, 06:22:32 pm »
Whats the dfference between Saddam and a bit of womens sanitary ware?

One is a string hanging from a c**t.

The other is a c**t hanging from a string. :-\
Up yer passage !

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #466 on: January 13, 2007, 09:51:40 am »
1 person walks into the doctors surgery and runs up to the docto and says doctor doctor
i feel like im shrinking

the doctor replies youll just half to be a little patient

Offline Brains

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #467 on: January 13, 2007, 04:51:40 pm »
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a teepee, and other days like a marquee, am I going mad?

No, your just to tense...


Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains

Pull yourself togethere man!


Nurse! I said prick his boil!

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #468 on: January 13, 2007, 06:13:08 pm »
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Offline rhychydwr1

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Senior Banking
« Reply #469 on: January 18, 2007, 01:02:54 pm »

Banking by a Senior

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager
thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between
his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for
only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or
her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note
that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
Notary  Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial  situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.  When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (a password to access my computer
is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date
to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)


Offline rhychydwr1

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Idiots of 2006
« Reply #470 on: January 18, 2007, 04:01:30 pm »
Number One Idiot of  2006

I am a medical student currently doing  a rotation in toxicology at
the poison control center.  Today, this  woman called in very upset because she caught her
little daughter eating  ants.  I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there 
would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed  down and
at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she  gave her daughter
some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.  I  told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room  right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it  with pride.

Number Two Idiot of  2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on  the airfield decided to  steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They  were successful in getting it out of the
plane and home.  Shortly  after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed
a Coast Guard  helicopter coming towards them.  It turned out that the chopper was  homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft  was inflated.  They are no longer
employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't  get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot of  2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of  America, walked into the  Branch and
wrote "this. Put all your muny in  this bag."While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the  teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and  might call the
police before he reached the teller's window. So he  left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.  After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors  that  he wasn't
the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not  accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America  deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo  deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.  Looking somewhat  defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.  He was arrested a few minutes  later, as he was waiting in line  back at Bank of  America.

Don't bother with this guy's  sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot of  2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an  automated speed trap that;
measured his speed using radar and  photographed his car. He later received
in the mail a ticket for $40 and  a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he
sent the police department a  photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the  police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He  immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ but  you still get a sign

Number Five Idiot of  2006
A guy walked into a little corner  store with a shotgun and  demanded all of
the cash from the cash  drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a  bottle of Scotch
that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He  told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused
and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said  he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't  believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out  of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and  agreed that the man was in fact over
21 and she put the Scotch in the  bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier  promptly called the police and gave the name and
address of the robber  that he got off the license.
They arrested the robb er two hours  later.

This guy definitely needs a  sign.

Idiot Number Six of  2006
A pair of Michigan  robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
The first  one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the
startled first  bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even  deserve a sign

Idiot Number Seven of  2006
Arkansas:  Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just  throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and  run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the 
window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious . It  seems the
liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole  event was caught on videotape.

Yep, Here's your sign
(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to  vote)

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently  had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to  request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road.
The  reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't  think this is a good place for them to be crossing
>From  Kingman ,  KS .
My  daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was
sorry,  but they only had iceberg.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From  Kansas City  !
I was at  the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked,!
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your  knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how  would I
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we  ask."
Happened in Birmingham ,  Ala.
The  stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the
street I  was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She  asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals  blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on  earth are blind people doing
She was a probation officer  in Wichita ,  KS
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear  coworker. She was
leaving the company due to" downsizing."
Our  manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this
more often."
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each  other with that deer-in-the-headlights
This was a bunch at  Texas Instruments.
I work with  an individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself and for the  sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system
would not turn  on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no  less.
When my  husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick
up our car, we  were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
drivers  side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried  the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced  to the
technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got  that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi  !

They walk  among us .. and they REPRODUCE ...!!!

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Offline rhychydwr1

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Trivial Tidbits
« Reply #471 on: January 19, 2007, 03:10:02 pm »
Trivial Tidbits

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have
"the rule of thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National  Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar (yeah ok)

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result
of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of
natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August
2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace
Most boat owners name their boats - the most popular boat
name requested?  Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
A. Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month,
which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at
them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a
refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is
the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not,
you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg.  The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and
you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?



1.  You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2.  You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3.  You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4.  You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5.  Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6.  You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7.  Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the  screen.
8.  Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause
for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10.  You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11.  You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  : )
12.  You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13.  Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15.  You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

Offline Peter Burgess

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #472 on: January 19, 2007, 03:15:31 pm »
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

One hundred AND one?

Offline Peter Burgess

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #473 on: January 19, 2007, 03:16:52 pm »
The corporation that makes more rubber tyres than any other? LEGO.

Offline AndyF

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #474 on: January 19, 2007, 03:32:24 pm »
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

One hundred AND one?

Four and twenty (blackbirds baked in a pie)  :tease:
"Life's a pitch, then you fall down one..."


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