Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1227042 times)

Offline Peter Burgess

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 9118
  • Left ukcaving by this name
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #475 on: January 19, 2007, 03:38:04 pm »
Quote
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

One hundred AND one?

Four and twenty (blackbirds baked in a pie)  :tease:

You must be really old Andy, to use this form of number in regular speech! The last person I heard doing this was my dad who used to say "Five and Twenty" when telling me the time was twenty-five past something. And I haven't heard him say even this for a very long time now!

Walrus

  • Guest
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #476 on: January 19, 2007, 04:40:22 pm »
A bakers dozen

Offline kay

  • Not a
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2642
Re: Trivial Tidbits
« Reply #477 on: January 19, 2007, 05:38:53 pm »

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321

..... see a pattern emerging?

Easy to see why when you think of 1111 as (1x1000 + 1x100 + 1x10 + 1)

Online Brains

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2270
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #478 on: January 19, 2007, 05:51:49 pm »
Proper Jam is a preserve and will keep, and so will butter - not just honey...

Offline ditzy

  • The ditzy caving
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1237
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #479 on: January 19, 2007, 06:17:41 pm »
a man has attempted to beat the world record of bean eating,he was sent to hospital with suvear abdominal pains,the doctor says theres not much wrong with him he has just got a bad case of wind.

Dep

  • Guest
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #480 on: January 21, 2007, 02:33:32 am »
Quote
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

One hundred AND one?

Four and twenty (blackbirds baked in a pie)  :tease:

You must be really old Andy, to use this form of number in regular speech! The last person I heard doing this was my dad who used to say "Five and Twenty" when telling me the time was twenty-five past something. And I haven't heard him say even this for a very long time now!


I still use that expresion: 5 and twenty past or to the hour.
Althou more often  I use 'digital' parlance hour:twenty=five or hour:thirtyfive

Offline rhychydwr1

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3248
  • The Mayor of Cwm Parc
    • http://www.showcaves.com
Bono in Concert
« Reply #481 on: January 23, 2007, 10:40:49 am »
Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for
some quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the
Microphone...

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence...

"Well, stop it then!"

Offline rhychydwr1

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3248
  • The Mayor of Cwm Parc
    • http://www.showcaves.com
Bald Head Joke
« Reply #482 on: January 23, 2007, 10:47:20 am »

A man with a wooden leg and a bald head was invited to a fancy
dress party.

Wondering what to wear so he could hide his disability and his bald
head, Emailed a fancy dress costume company for some advice.

They sent him a pirates costume and a short note to explain why.
The note said " With your wooden leg it is perfect for the pirate and
the scarf we have enclosed will cover your bald head".


The man was absolutely livid, they have just told me to emphasise
the exact part that I am embarrassed about.  Writing back to the
company, he complained strongly about their attitude.

The company then wrote back with another costume, that of a
monk,explaining that the long habit would hide his wooden leg and
his bald head would be ideal anyway.

Once again the man was not very happy, and complained that they
have removed the embarrassment of his disability but now expect him to
make his bald head more obvious.

The company then wrote back enclosing a tin of treacle and a note
to say " He could pour the treacle over his bald head, stick his wooden
leg up his arse and go as a TOFFEE APPLE"


Offline rhychydwr1

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3248
  • The Mayor of Cwm Parc
    • http://www.showcaves.com
Male or Female
« Reply #483 on: January 23, 2007, 10:57:21 am »

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are
actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but
you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm them up again.  They are an effective reproductive device
if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push
the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often
over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under their ass

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and
retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently
getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines
for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the
weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly
changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would
be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be
lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push,
he just keeps trying.


Offline rhychydwr1

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3248
  • The Mayor of Cwm Parc
    • http://www.showcaves.com
The wrestling event
« Reply #484 on: January 23, 2007, 11:03:43 am »
The wrestling event

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event.
It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him
and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian.

He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has.
Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're
finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American
and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an
opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and
wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer
buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch
the ending.

Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from
the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian
flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the
American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and
winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American
wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has
ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me
in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this
pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose,
so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit
those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get
when you bite your own balls!"



Offline ditzy

  • The ditzy caving
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1237
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #485 on: January 23, 2007, 02:49:08 pm »
whats orange and black and bounces about from one place to anouther?


tigger

Offline rhychydwr1

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3248
  • The Mayor of Cwm Parc
    • http://www.showcaves.com
THE POLO TEST
« Reply #486 on: January 26, 2007, 10:44:27 am »

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
year school children, using a bowl of fruit Polo's.
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and
asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them
for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother
may  sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! ...........................They're arse-holes!!"




Online Mrs Trellis

  • British Jobs for British Shirkers
  • junky
  • ****
  • Posts: 835
  • Daft old bat
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #488 on: January 26, 2007, 04:23:02 pm »
For this particular Friday:-

The Queen is being shown around a Scottish hospital.
At the end of her visit, she is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. The first man proclaims:

Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!

The Queen is a little taken aback but goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.

This continues with the next patient:

Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!

"Well," the Queen says to the Doctor, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Och nay," replied the Scottish doctor, "this is the Burns unit."


Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline ditzy

  • The ditzy caving
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1237
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #489 on: January 29, 2007, 06:09:38 pm »
why did silly billy eat just bread for his tea?
because it said whole-meal on the packet
 :lol:

Offline Mr Fell

  • forum star
  • ****
  • Posts: 593
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #490 on: January 29, 2007, 06:23:35 pm »
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball.







A. She choked :yucky:
Up yer passage !

Offline ditzy

  • The ditzy caving
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1237
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #491 on: January 29, 2007, 06:28:55 pm »
i dont get it.


Online Brains

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2270
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #492 on: January 29, 2007, 08:50:17 pm »
That is because you are too innocent! Try thinking like a filthy minded old caver....

Offline ditzy

  • The ditzy caving
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1237
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #493 on: January 29, 2007, 08:50:57 pm »
oh right i get it now  :-[

Online Brains

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2270
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #494 on: January 29, 2007, 08:52:28 pm »
You will soon become corrupt hanging around on the web with this bunch!

Offline ditzy

  • The ditzy caving
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1237
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #495 on: January 29, 2007, 08:54:06 pm »
ok im being a bit blonde 2 day lol but what does corrupt mean?

Online Brains

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2270
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #496 on: January 29, 2007, 08:58:31 pm »
well, there are the birds and the bees, and they get together and when they like each other very much they go and look under the rhubarb bush and find little babies there... If you know this to be true, you are innocent, if you think they go there and "make babies" some other way then you are on the way to being corupted by the sins of the flesh.....

Offline ditzy

  • The ditzy caving
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1237
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #497 on: January 29, 2007, 08:59:31 pm »
ok thanx brains
maybe if i kept a dictionary by my side i would know what more words mean lol
like my signature says i have a brain span of a p nut lol

Offline mak

  • A Butcombe drinking
  • obsessive maniac
  • ***
  • Posts: 305
  • mmmm.........beer Wessex Cave Club
    • Wessex Cave Club
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #498 on: January 29, 2007, 09:03:37 pm »
well, there are the birds and the bees, and they get together and when they like each other very much they go and look under the rhubarb bush and find little babies there... If you know this to be true, you are innocent, if you think they go there and "make babies" some other way then you are on the way to being corupted by the sins of the flesh.....
And there I was thinking it was the stork, next time I see birds and bees heading into my rhubarb patch I'm off to fetch the hose and spray 'em with cold water.
I have transitory tourettes syndrome - I swear profusely in the presence of idiots :tease:
Spider hole Digger (Deeper than Templeton)

Online Brains

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2270
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #499 on: January 29, 2007, 09:06:29 pm »
But the Stork puts them there to be found surely?