Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing. (Read 1227497 times)

ditzy · « **Reply #500 on:** January 29, 2007, 09:08:31 pm »

thats what i thought i thought it was said that a stork was to bring a baby in a blanket and leave them on the doorstep

Brains · « **Reply #501 on:** January 29, 2007, 09:14:58 pm »

Q. What is brown and green, has six legs and will kill you if it falls on you?

A. A snooker table

=============

Q. How do you make a snooker table laugh?

A. Reach in its pockets and tickle its balls...

I'll just go the pub shall I ?...

ditzy · « **Reply #502 on:** January 29, 2007, 09:16:02 pm »

Brains · « **Reply #503 on:** January 29, 2007, 09:19:51 pm »

Did you know that if you put a slice of ham in the DVD it will play a short film about pigs, and a slice of cheese will play one about cows.... Go on, try it! Its all true I tell you

ditzy · « **Reply #504 on:** January 29, 2007, 09:21:05 pm »

ok brains i may be a bit blonde but im not going to believe that

emgee · « **Reply #505 on:** January 29, 2007, 09:25:08 pm »

Quote from: ditzy 24//7 on January 29, 2007, 09:08:31 pm

thats what i thought i thought it was said that a stork was to bring a baby in a blanket and leave them on the doorstep

You could find out this information is not quite accurate suggest you don't stay overnight at any caving club huts until you've verified it.

emgee · « **Reply #506 on:** January 29, 2007, 09:26:53 pm »

Quote from: Brains on January 29, 2007, 09:19:51 pm

Did you know that if you put a slice of ham in the DVD it will play a short film about pigs, and a slice of cheese will play one about cows.... Go on, try it! Its all true I tell you

Wow you're right it really works!

Brains · « **Reply #507 on:** January 29, 2007, 09:27:32 pm »

Sorry Ditzy - only teasing, and not even original I am afraid - my daughter got me a "Book of lies for Children" for Christmas, by the same guy as did the Bunny Suicide books, I laughed so much I couldnt stand up! It was so bad I spilled my drink...

ditzy · « **Reply #508 on:** January 29, 2007, 09:29:44 pm »

lol you almost made me believe that thing bout the dvd lol

Brains · « **Reply #509 on:** January 29, 2007, 09:33:45 pm »

It was from the same daughter that asked me wasnt it dangerous that they let a blind man take a dog for a walk....

ditzy · « **Reply #510 on:** January 30, 2007, 09:31:10 am »

where do you get the book of lies from it sounds really good i cud do with geting 1 and tricking my younger brouther

Brains · « **Reply #511 on:** January 30, 2007, 11:19:53 am »

It is currently doing the rounds of the club, so I cant give the ISBN. Good large-ish book stores like Waterstones should have it in the humour section. It is smaller than A5, possibly even A6 with an orange cover. The guy (Andy Riley)has previously done a couple of books on Bunny Suicides:
http://www.retrocomputing.net/racconti/umor/coniglio/pandora.beptuui.html
Ah here it is on Amazon...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Great-Lies-Tell-Small-Kids/dp/0340834056/ref=pd_sim_b_2/202-6825480-5661404
The first link should make you larf like a drain!

ditzy · « **Reply #512 on:** January 30, 2007, 06:02:02 pm »

that links really cool
definatly made my day

rhychydwr1 · « **Reply #513 on:** January 31, 2007, 09:35:24 am »

Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800
to drop that towel," after thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel
and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800
dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was
that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband
says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But,
changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but
the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On
his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,
"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me
first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of PiÃ±a Coladas
and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

wormster · « **Reply #514 on:** January 31, 2007, 11:16:32 am »

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls...

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"

ditzy · « **Reply #515 on:** January 31, 2007, 08:05:26 pm »

Cannibals

Five cannibals get jobs as computer programmers. During his welcome the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"

andymorgan · « **Reply #516 on:** February 02, 2007, 07:32:43 pm »

What is the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

wormster · « **Reply #517 on:** February 02, 2007, 07:34:20 pm »

Quote from: andymorgan on February 02, 2007, 07:32:43 pm

What is the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

get a butt plug then

ditzy · « **Reply #518 on:** February 02, 2007, 07:35:32 pm »

Mr Fell · « **Reply #519 on:** February 03, 2007, 08:38:43 am »

Tramp goes into a Jewellers and takes off his kegs and shoves his finger up his arse.

Jeweller says `GET OUT YOU FILTHY BEAST'

Tramp points to the sign in the window - `COME IN AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT'

ditzy · « **Reply #520 on:** February 03, 2007, 08:54:25 pm »

Best Friend

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch.
The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay.
"No, I'm not, " the guy replies.
"I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Well, " asks the bartender,
"what did you say to your wife ?"
"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."
"Well, what did you say to your best friend ?"
"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

rhychydwr1 · « **Reply #521 on:** February 04, 2007, 02:32:48 pm »

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next To them,a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make You your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A .M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!!

graham · « **Reply #522 on:** February 07, 2007, 01:23:12 pm »

Frozen skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with is now in therapy.

Mark · « **Reply #523 on:** February 08, 2007, 06:12:01 pm »

A man goes into a pet shop and asks to buy a wasp,

The pet shop owner says we dont sell wasps,

The man says well youve got one in the window

ditzy · « **Reply #524 on:** February 08, 2007, 06:42:24 pm »

1.whats black and white and goes oww oww oww?

a nun falling down the stares

2.whats black and white and goes hahaha

the nun who pushed her

Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing. (Read 1227497 times)

emgee

emgee

wormster

andymorgan

wormster