Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Walrus]

A chemist, a physicist and an engineer are all given two large ball bearings each and locked in separate rooms for a day.

The chemist comes out and reports some interesting properties of the metals the ball bearings are made of.

The physicist comes out with some new theories on dynamics and friction between the ball bearings,

The engineer has lost one and broken the other.

 

[Sid Weighells Dog]

An engineer, a chemist and an IT tech are travelling down the M4 when the car breaks down. The engineer says 'Clearly, this is a mechanical problem, we need to strip the engine down, locate the fault and rebuild it'. The chemist disagrees, saying 'Clearly, this is a chemical combustion problem, we need to adjust the fuel-air ratio'. The IT tech suggests that they all get out of the car and then get in it again.

[AndyF]

How many software designers does it take to change a lightbulb.?

No way man, thats a hardware problem.....

[wormster]

whadya call a balenced diet??

pint o buttcome in one hand and one o Roger's cheese rolls in t'other

[rhychydwr1]

More jokes

David Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

Becks asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?"

Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack"

"Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance".

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 999.

However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn.

"What's the matter, son?" asks Becks.

"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles Brooklyn.

Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door.  Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers

"You w@nker Giggsy" screams Becks. "My wife is right over there having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the sh!t out of Brooklyn."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what  has happened.

First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent  it all on whisky.  Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn  from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his photo taken."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".

The surprised salesman replies: - "But madam, computers do not have curtains...".

And the blonde said: - "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress. she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies "This time it's mayonnaise."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. 

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

[rhychydwr1]

Hope you like this one ! !     

A man staggered into  a hospital, with concussion, bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.   The doctor asked him what happened?

Well, I was having a round of golf with my wife, when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture, he said.  We went to find them and while I was looking around, I noticed one cow had something white at its rear end.

I walked over, lifted up its tail, and sure enough ,there was a golf ball, with my wifes monogram on it.  Still holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife"Hey, this looks like yours ! "

I don`t remember much after that .!
 

[Stupot]

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer
chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.


The iBreast will cost $499 with 4 GB of memory or $599 with 8 GB.


This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men
staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[wormster]

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer
chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.


The iBreast will cost $499 with 4 GB of memory or $599 with 8 GB.


This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men
staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

hahahahahahahahah rolfl

[rhychydwr1]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the
ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at
his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes", he
replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands
together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began
to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...
but my thumb still hurts like hell

[rhychydwr1]

Irish Golf Joke (  Another 1)

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a
big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it
over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't
want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer
walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would
want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic
sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer
is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and
the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just
want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally
famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all
right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And
tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states "When I need cash, I just
reach in my pocket and pull out $10000 bills I didn't even know were
there!"
"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says
shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun , "I'm wanting to know if I did
a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once,
sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or
twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest
in a small parish."

[rhychydwr1]

There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he
used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the
first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the
most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first. The lawyer
waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would
like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his
surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only
was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer. When they
completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a
lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff.  He invited
her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman  accepted
enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the  lawyer cooked
a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it  was a
performance to behold.



They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation. After the meal,
the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever
experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this
woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to  play
golf the following morning, to which she agreed.



Once again they  enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening
meal and once more  the woman performed sensational oral sex on the
lawyer. This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the
woman, "Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there
are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have
sexual intercourse?" "We can't," said the woman. "Why not?" came the
reply. "Because I'm a transvestite" replied the woman. "YOU BITCH!"
screamed the lawyer, "...I CAN'T BELIEVE that you've been playing off
the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS

[graham]

little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something,
but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and
sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

[rhychydwr1]

A story indicating why women should avoid "girls' night out" after they
are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight: "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around
3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.  Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up,

I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up
with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible
conflict with him.  (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9
cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos, MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him

"Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh. nuts!" cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[rhychydwr1]

Paddy buys a bath and takes it back next day complaining water keeps
running out.
The manager says "did you buy a plug".
Paddy says "You b-----d you never said it was electric !

[rhychydwr1]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman. "The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"  The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.  For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.  He paused for a moment and then started to leave.  The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"





There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.  Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."  The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."  The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."  The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."  The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."





Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead.  Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.  But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.  Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father.  Do ya 'think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"  Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?





An elderly man walks into a confessional.  The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grand children, and great grandchildren.  Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.  We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ...  I'm telling everybody

[rhychydwr1]

You gotta love this guy.....
This is a true story about a recent wedding that
took place at Clemson University. It was in the
local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After
the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on
stage with a microphone to talk to the
crowd.
 
He said he wanted to thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at
their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the
bride's his family and to thank his new
father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As
a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to
give everyone a special gift just from him. So
taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including
the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He
said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them
to open their envelope.
 
Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10
glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks
earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching
the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best
man and said, "F--- you!".
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!".Then he
turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out
of here."
 
He had the marriage annulled first thing
in the morning. While most people would have
canceled the wedding immediately after finding out
about the affair, this guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.
 
His revenge ... making the bride's parents
pay over $32,000 for a 300 guests wedding and
reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best
man's reputations in front of 300 friends and
family members.
 
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
 
Do you think we might get a MasterCard
"priceless" commercial out of this?
 
Elegant wedding and reception for 300
family members and friends.........................$32,000.
 
Wedding photographs commemorating the
occasion.........................$3,000.
 
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui.........................................$8,500.
 
The look on everyone's face when they see
the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best
man.......... Priceless.
 
There are some things money can't buy, for
everything else there's MASTERCARD.

[rhychydwr1]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry", the woman says  as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy's amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know, "he said, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?   "No," she replies. . . . . . "
       



Wait for it. ..............................






It's coming. ...............The suspense is killing you, isn't it?








She says:......................."You just happened to catch my eye"

[james]

Body: go to www.google.com
<http://www.google.com/>



--Click on Maps.



--Click on "Get Directions".



--From New York, New York.



--To Paris, France.



--Read line # 23.

[rhychydwr1]

A  man enters a confessional and  says to the  Irish Priest,

"Father, it has been one month  since my last confession.  I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last  month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out  and say three 'Hail
Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the  confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have  had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two  months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"  "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very  well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"

The next  morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon
when a  gorgeous, tall woman entersthe church.

All the men's eyes fall  upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.  Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green  shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs  slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to  the altar boy and whisperingly asks, Is that Fannie
Green?"

The  altar boy replies, ...



"No Father, I think it's just the  reflection off her  shoes".

[Mrs Trellis]

A cowboy rides into town and walks into the saloon but it's empty.

"Where is everyone ?" he asks the bartender.
"All down at the hangin' " he replies.
"Who're they hangin' ?" he asks.....
"Brown paper bag man" replies the bartender.

The cowboy walks down the street and there on the gallows is a guy with a brow paper bag over his head, brown paper bag for a shirt, and brown paper bag chaps.

"What's his crime?" he asks the guy next to him,...........

"Rustlin' "

[Mrs Trellis]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

























"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[Dep]

Body: go to www.google.com
<http://www.google.com/>
--Click on Maps.
--Click on "Get Directions".
--From New York, New York.
--To Paris, France.
--Read line # 23.

haha - that's great. It'll be a little while before the computers take over the World then...

[graham]

A delightful sweet little girl is walking her dog in the park and sits down on a bench next to an old lady.

"Hello" says the lady, "What's your name"

"Petal" says the girl

"That's a lovely name, why did they call you that?"

"Becauthe when I wath in my mummy's tummy, a petal from a flower landed on her in the garden."

"That's a lovely story. What's your dog's name?"

"Porky."

"How sweet, is that because he's so fat."

"No, ith's becauthe he fuckth pigs."

[wormster]

OK, so have you ever wondered why so few British cavers survey in Mammoth Cave each year. Well, I have the answer. Try this...


    * Go to maps.google.com
    * Click on directions
    * Enter "London" in the first box
    * Enter Mammoth Cave in the second box
    * Click "Get Directions"
    * Read Step 37



Guess that answers the question, doesn't it?

Edit: Don't read the replies until you try the above - there is a spoiler in the replies.

[anfieldman]

Edit: Don't read the replies until you try the above - there is a spoiler in the replies.

I won't spoil it for you Wormster but that is fantastic. What planet do Google live on?