Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[anfieldman]

 

[clunk]

Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey Miss, would you let me bite your breasts for £100?
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000s?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for £10,000?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, 10,000 pounds - Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nae", says the Scotsman...! "Costs too much..."

[rhychydwr1]

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and
said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living
thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard ~
but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbours claim I have violated the neighbourhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

"Then the Electricity Companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of
moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for
the Ark's move to the sea.   "I told them that the sea would be coming to
us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees
in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists
that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane
to put so many animals in a confined space.

"Then the Ministry of the Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on
how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the Visa status of most of the
people who want to work.

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only
Union workers with Ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy
the world?"

"No," said the Lord....       "Blair beat me to it."

[hoehlenforscher]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the Lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's
Go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

[rhychydwr1]

THE  RABBIT


ISN'T HE THE CUTEST THING

A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out t o see
what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car
and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."

The blonde says,
"Don't worry."
She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he ho ps down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops anot her ten feet,
turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. "What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.


It says...

(Are you ready for this?)




(Are you sure?)






(This is bad!)



(You can still delete it)



(You know you're gonna be sorry)


(OK, here it is)





It says,



"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,



    adds permanent wave."




Hey, I don't make them up.... I just pass them along

[Peter Burgess]

I don't understand. How could that work? A rabbit isn't the same thing as a hare (you spelt it wrong by the way).

Puzzled. 

[rhychydwr1]

I don't understand. How could that work? A rabbit isn't the same thing as a hare (you spelt it wrong by the way).

Puzzled. 

Some people have no sense of humour   

[anfieldman]

A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says "I must say, this is the cleanest pussy I've seen in ages."

"Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in 4 times a week."

[Mr Fell]

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush saying, "Mr.

President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your

Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."


 

[mak]

On his trip to Great Britain , George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth   He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?"

You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."  When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me.  Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother.  Who was this child?"

Blair replied, "That's easy The child was me."

Very good," said the Queen. "You may go now."

President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove.  He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important.  Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother.  Who was this child ?"


Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind.  Can I deliberate on this for awhile?"

"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House staff, and asked them the riddle.  But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer.  So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.  As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him.  So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me?  Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove. "You may just have saved me my job!"  So Rove went into the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"


"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush. "The child was Tony Blair!"

[ditzy]

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said," Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

[Fred]

While I am definitley pro-recycling, I'm afraid your living up to your tag line Ditzy.

See rhychydwr1's post in this thread on 25 May for an earlier posting of this joke.

[crazystaci]

ditzy he is right there is already that joke on here lol 

[ditzy]

While I am definitley pro-recycling, I'm afraid your living up to your tag line Ditzy.

See rhychydwr1's post in this thread on 25 May for an earlier posting of this joke.

oops never mind.

[ditzy]

how about this one insted

How many letters are in the Alphabet?? Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI went after him!

[mak]

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%. Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes 100% in life?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z.
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

ASS KISSING
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while hard work and knowledge will get you close and attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you on top.

[Mrs Trellis]

Essex girl being assesssed following an accident:-

Paramedic - "How many fingers have I got up?"

Essex girl -   "Oh No! My tw*t's paralysed"

[Mr Fell]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says,
"Me feet are fookin freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me
fookin slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there
are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?" 
 

[rhychydwr1]

Had an accident with the car today................
bumped into rear end of car waiting at lights....
the driver got out...............
he was a dwarf.............
he said "I'm not  happy"!..............
I said "Which one are you then!"

[rhychydwr1]

NOT SO MUCH A JOKE MORE A FACT OF LIFE:
Men are just happier people but what do you expect when:
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear go without a shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your underwear is £1.99 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You only have one mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to a party, he or she can still be your friend.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

[rhychydwr1]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One
is a good looking, older retired cop in his sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is
one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or
you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who
wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into
the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge
her.
About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful
naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to
her
and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss
her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns
to the retired cop and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old cop replies, "No problem, just get that blasted lion out
of the way first." ...

[rhychydwr1]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm


going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for


doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[kay]

NOT SO MUCH A JOKE MORE A FACT OF LIFE:

That is all so true!

[james]

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping naked on her bed  and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea  how ridiculous you look?  What is the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care  what you say, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor  says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an  eighteen year old."
The husband replies "What did he say about your 55 year old bum?"
She replied   "Your name never came  up!"

[wormster]

Here are some excellent definitions for the use of tools.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching a flat metal bar out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained table you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeeeowww!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The tool used most often by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the worse the cut becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for, for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN ½ x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate pop up ads appear on a computer screen. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

AIR RATCHET: A device that smashes your knuckles once a nut or bolt is completely tightened.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

CENTER PUNCH: A pointy chisel that locates a starting point, for drilling, adjacent to, but not in the center of the subject being drilled.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.