Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1320601 times)

Offline rhychydwr1

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #750 on: September 24, 2007, 02:22:36 pm »
One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the
small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them
very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her
side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other
side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling
her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further
down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up
the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the
same to her right thigh.By this time the woman was becoming aroused
and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man
stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed." Why are
you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, " I found
the remote!


Offline rhychydwr1

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #751 on: September 24, 2007, 02:28:19 pm »
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.


The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'


Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'


The bloke perks up at this.


'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'


So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.


'So,' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'


'I have,' says the fellow.


'And has she helped you in making the decision?'


'She has,' says the bloke.


'And what is it?' asks the doctor. .

 


'We're having a new kitchen!


Walrus

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #752 on: September 24, 2007, 03:34:44 pm »
How much is a new kitchen?

Offline paulf

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #753 on: September 24, 2007, 06:30:47 pm »
Little Johnny whist walking past his Parents room he see his old man Shagging the life out his Mum, on seeing him his Dad throws a pillow at him and tells him to sling his hook.

After about Ten minutes there a loud commotion coming from Johnnies room. His Dad runs in to see Johnny Fucking his Nan  :o

Little Johnny looks over and Says "It's not so Funny when it's your Mum is it"

wormster

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #754 on: September 24, 2007, 07:38:36 pm »
2 rats in a sewer:

1st rat "I'm fed up!"

2nd rat "Why?"

1st rat "Well I mean, we get shit for breakfast, shit for lunch and shit for supper."

2nr rat "Oh don't worry we can go out on the piss later."

Offline Peter Burgess

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #755 on: September 24, 2007, 07:42:52 pm »
How much is a new kitchen?

Ask ttxela - He's had one fitted in his new tent.



I definitely wouldn't want to carry it far, once you've got it all in the bag it's almost impossible to lift on your own.

 :coffee:

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #756 on: September 24, 2007, 09:21:53 pm »
How much is a new kitchen?
About a foot.

Offline Brains

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #757 on: September 25, 2007, 03:51:21 pm »
Can anyone help with my new computer game? It keeps crashing after only a couple of minutes for no apparent reason. It's the "Colin Macrae flight simulator..."


(Is my Taxi to hell here yet?... :shrug:)

Offline anfieldman

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #758 on: September 25, 2007, 07:55:18 pm »
Will they be holding a minutes silence in tribute to Marcel Marceau??????
You ain't seen me.......................right?

wormster

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #759 on: September 26, 2007, 05:24:11 pm »
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and Darlene just couldn't Seem to get enough lovin'.

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with
you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"Ah might'a trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

Offline paulf

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #760 on: September 28, 2007, 07:02:34 pm »
A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, Has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity Read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.









Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late..... :o

Offline anfieldman

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #761 on: September 28, 2007, 11:58:13 pm »
Tony was chatting to his mate in the pub one day.
'Ere' says Tony. 'Did you hear about that bird who played Pussy Galore in the James Bond film? She split her fanny wide open!'


His mate says 'Honor Blackman?'












'No' says Tony. 'On a big dildo'.

You ain't seen me.......................right?

Offline Mark

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #762 on: September 29, 2007, 08:52:19 pm »
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.

It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.

Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....

It was a coffin

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

he could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster...........

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
 
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him.

He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door.

The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.........still it came ........

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......

He grabbed some Benalin cough mixture and threw it........















The coffin stopped



Offline rhychydwr1

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The Electric Chair
« Reply #763 on: October 02, 2007, 09:35:43 am »
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did
the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and Is asked
 if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity
Bible College and believe in the power of God to intervene on the behalf
of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for
forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I
 just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power
of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the
switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness,
and release her.

 The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well,
 I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in
 Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna
 electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"



Offline Bob Smith

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #764 on: October 02, 2007, 10:06:20 am »
I thought i'd found the great snowman burial grounds last week :bounce:, turns out is was a field of carrots.  :shrug:

Offline pete h

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #765 on: October 05, 2007, 10:23:42 pm »
A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood.All the bats get excited and ask where he got it from. follow me he says. Off they flew around the chamber, up the passage towards the entrance. See that gate the fucking bat bothers put there, he says, yes they all say, WELL I DID'NT

Offline paulf

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #766 on: October 05, 2007, 11:50:22 pm »
What did the Slug say to the Snail ?











BIG ISSUE !!

Offline rhychydwr1

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I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN
« Reply #767 on: October 13, 2007, 01:17:30 pm »
I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be eight again" she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a
bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her
head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they
journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy

Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake .

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a
hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms
What a fabulous adventure!


Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto
the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile
and lovingly asked "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total
realisation..."I meant my dress size, you f*cking tw*t !!!"

 


The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still
gonna get it wrong.....
 
 


Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #768 on: October 15, 2007, 02:14:13 pm »
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wan ting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep kaka.


Offline Greg Jones

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #769 on: October 17, 2007, 11:35:31 am »
How a marriage works


all men should read this.

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India ,etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."


He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,


"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."


"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"


........and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?
Renegade!

Offline rhychydwr1

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Centipede
« Reply #770 on: October 19, 2007, 03:05:40 pm »
 I'm feeling a  I wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came  in a  little white box to use for his house.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I  would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.


So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer. 

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"

But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.

So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up  against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:...........................................


























"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***ng shoes on."












Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #771 on: October 20, 2007, 01:44:11 pm »
In 2022 Jeff and Lucy landed on Mars after accumulating enough air miles.
They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things.
Jeff asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money.
Finally, Lucy brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked Lucy.
The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners
for the night. Lucy and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where
the Martian stripped.
Lucy was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weenie, about an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," said Lucy.
"Why he asked. "What's the matter?"
"Well," Lucy replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.
"Well," Lucy said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem, "he said, and started pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grew wider and wider.
"Wow!" Lucy exclaimed.
They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day, the couple joined their normal partners and went their separate ways.
As they walked along, Jeff asked, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," said Lucy, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible, "Jeff replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
Up yer passage !

Offline rhychydwr1

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Opticians, bless 'em
« Reply #772 on: October 22, 2007, 03:03:42 pm »
My mate went to the Opticians the other day and was warned to stop masturbating,
"send me blind will it" he asked. "No" says the Optician, "it’s
just upsetting everyone in the waiting room"

Offline rhychydwr1

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Funny senior moments.....enjoy
« Reply #773 on: October 23, 2007, 02:24:29 pm »

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.  Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"  She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."





When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."






An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."





A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.  They hear a faint moan.  They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.  Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.  As they carry the casket towards the d oor, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"




When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"  She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"  She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."  I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"  She said, "I can't remember where I live!"





Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.  For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.  Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"



THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.





Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, or is it maybe 10 ??
Oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen.....I think ???



Offline Basher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #774 on: October 23, 2007, 09:19:36 pm »
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter
came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I
had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had
invited my only living friend over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my
only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers.. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £95, which they
put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all
the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would
be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friend.
We had a very nice day and I told my friend of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £5 missing. I think it was those b*stards at the Post Office.

 

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