Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
At age 12, I was blessed with a nine inch penis...
And three years later, that priest went to prison!
And three years later, that priest went to prison!
Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
- Thread starter Mrs Trellis
- Start date
andys
Well-known member
A Scottish Regimental Sergeant Major, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom covered with a number of patches.
"How much to repair it?' he asks the chemist. The chemist holds it up, eyes it critically then replies "80p".
"How much for a new one?" asks the RSM, and the chemist replies "£1.20".
So, he painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and wraps that equally diligently in the cotton bandana. He then replaces the package in his sporran, stamps to attention and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The RSM then marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."
"How much to repair it?' he asks the chemist. The chemist holds it up, eyes it critically then replies "80p".
"How much for a new one?" asks the RSM, and the chemist replies "£1.20".
So, he painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and wraps that equally diligently in the cotton bandana. He then replaces the package in his sporran, stamps to attention and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The RSM then marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
My wife asked me “why don’t you treat me like you did when we first started dating?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie.
Then I dropped her off at her parents.
So I took her to dinner and a movie.
Then I dropped her off at her parents.
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
My friend was telling me about his first parachute jump.
He said, "I was terrified and wouldn't do it.
The instructor was a big bloke and took out his huge manhood and said if I didn't jump, he'd ram it up my arse."
I asked, "Did you jump?"
"At first when it went in..."
He said, "I was terrified and wouldn't do it.
The instructor was a big bloke and took out his huge manhood and said if I didn't jump, he'd ram it up my arse."
I asked, "Did you jump?"
"At first when it went in..."
TheBitterEnd
Well-known member
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
Spare a thought for my poor wife! She got stung on her forehead by a bee & has ended up in A&E with extensive bruising and swelling to her face.
Luckily, I was close enough to be able to swat the bee with my shovel.
Luckily, I was close enough to be able to swat the bee with my shovel.
RobinGriffiths
Well-known member
There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
TheBitterEnd
Well-known member
OTOH
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
I bought a coat from M&S in the sales.
Pre-sale price was £495 but I got it for just £25.
It's supposed to be slightly imperfect but I've had a good look all over
and the only thing I can find is that one of the sleeves is slightly longer than the other two.
Bargain!
Pre-sale price was £495 but I got it for just £25.
It's supposed to be slightly imperfect but I've had a good look all over
and the only thing I can find is that one of the sleeves is slightly longer than the other two.
Bargain!
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
Genie “I will grant you three wishes”
“OK then…I wish for a world without lawyers”
“Granted! You now have no more wishes left”
“But I've only had one wish!”
“So sue me…”
“OK then…I wish for a world without lawyers”
“Granted! You now have no more wishes left”
“But I've only had one wish!”
“So sue me…”
andys
Well-known member
An old man dies and goes to heaven. He arrives at the pearly gates and joins the queue to see St Peter. When its his turn, St Peter says to him "Excuse me sir while I just check your Lie Clock". "What's one of those?", the old man asks, so St Peter explains. "Well everyone has a Lie Clock, and for each lie you tell, the hands go back a minute. And over your whole life, that's how long it will take you to get into heaven. Here's Abraham Lincoln's for example, his hands only ever moved twice so he only had to wait two minutes. And Stephen Hawking's clock never moved at all .so he got straight in". "Aha, I see now" the old man says "but before you check mine I want to see Boris Johnson's!". "I'm sorry but you can't" St Peter replies "because it's in God's office and he's using it as a ceiling fan".
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails.
When the Police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replied,
"I don't know. It all happened so fast!"
When the Police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replied,
"I don't know. It all happened so fast!"
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
Thank goodness it's not snowing.
Imagine shovelling snow in this heat!
Imagine shovelling snow in this heat!
TheBitterEnd
Well-known member
Just off to fix Cat Stevens's caravan
... awning has broken
... awning has broken
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
The magician said, "Pick a card, any card."
I took his Visa!
I took his Visa!
TheBitterEnd
Well-known member
