My boss is a bit wierd. Told us that from now on we could only use the toilet on a rota system, with everyone being designated a time when they were allowed to go. When they told me it was my turn I couldn't give a shit
Two men visit a prostitute.
The first man goes into the bedroom.
He comes out 10 minutes later and says, "Bloody hell, my wife is better than that."
The second man goes in.
He comes out 10 minutes later and says, "You're right, your wife is better!"
Well, just been notified that I have won a trip to Greece with £5k spending money for six people!
I know it's short notice, but if anyone is free between 1st and 22nd June
... …Can you put my wheelie bin out?
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge". "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a good few pounds myself!" So I told her to f*** off.
A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I need backup here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet!"