Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1318465 times)

Online rhychydwr1

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On being late!
« Reply #600 on: April 21, 2007, 11:57:35 am »

Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.

However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10,
15
minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a
quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into
the office for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job,
but
you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd
though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Army.
What did they say if you came in late there?"

They said, "Good morning, General."



Dep

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #601 on: April 21, 2007, 02:08:06 pm »
...
What planet do Google live on?
...

The one with 3410 miles of ocean between America and Europe!

Offline anfieldman

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #602 on: April 21, 2007, 05:46:42 pm »
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the plains when Tonto stops all of a sudden. He gets off his horse and onto his hands and knees on the ground. He sticks his ear to the ground. The Lone Ranger is puzzled. 'Whats up Tonto?' he says. Tonto says 'Buffalo come Kimosabe'. 'Really' says the masked one. 'How can you tell?'.................................................. 'Ear stuck to ground' says Tonto.
 
You ain't seen me.......................right?

Offline anfieldman

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #603 on: April 22, 2007, 07:56:53 pm »
One day a young Indian brave was sitting contemplating the wide variety of names in his tribe. He wondered how everyone had been given names that were so different. He asked his father who told him to go and speak to the chief as it was him who named every person born in the tribe since he became chief.
The young brave went to the chiefs' teepee and the chief asked him in.'Chief' he said. 'How do you name all the new children in the tribe?'
'Well' said the chief.'When I hear the newborn baby cry I look out of my teepee and name the child after first thing that I see. For example, Hopping Crow is called that because when he was born I looked out of my teepee and the first thing I saw was a crow hopping around feeding. And when Running Deer cried out the first thing I saw when I looked outside was a deer running out of the forest.
Anyway, why are you so curious about this Two Dogs F*king?'

You ain't seen me.......................right?

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #604 on: April 23, 2007, 11:23:03 am »
read left to right all the way down


cows    cows
about   cows
talking   cows
idiot     cows
this   cows
got   cows
i             cows
long    cows
how   cows
look   cows


now read the left hand side from bottom to the top!
« Last Edit: April 23, 2007, 11:47:32 am by ditzy 24//7 »

Offline Robert Scott

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #605 on: April 23, 2007, 08:33:55 pm »
Not very long

Online rhychydwr1

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Off to the Doctor
« Reply #606 on: April 24, 2007, 12:12:51 pm »

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a

£10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er.
Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash."£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman




(Wait for it...........scroll down.)




I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."



Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #607 on: April 27, 2007, 06:04:57 am »
A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He
says to her, "Hey miss ye  look like a bonnie lass, would you let me bite your Breasts for $100?

 "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he  asks again.

 "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you  let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most  perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs  them and  starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them,  burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."  :o

 


Up yer passage !

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #608 on: April 27, 2007, 12:02:53 pm »
Paddy O' Leary had spent the eve drinking at the local tavern. He knew he had a long walk home, so though he was a wee tipsy, he recalled a shortcut through the town's cemetery.

Paddy staggered 'round the graves, but lost his footing and fell into a hole dug for a burial the following day. He passed out when he hit bottom.

Upon awakening the next morn, Paddy stood up and realized where he was-- and promptly shouted "Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis the Resurrection Day-- and I'm the first one up!"

Offline Peter Burgess

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #609 on: April 27, 2007, 12:07:43 pm »
Folk Music joke:

How do you tell that a bodhran player is at the door?

The knock gets faster and faster and then he doesn't know when to come in!


Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #610 on: April 28, 2007, 05:58:18 am »
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and
so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering
me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
   
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister.
   
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
   
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
   
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
> beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
   
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
   
 With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
   
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car........

 :lol:
Up yer passage !

Offline kay

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #611 on: April 28, 2007, 08:40:04 am »
haven't we had this one before?  ;)

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #612 on: April 28, 2007, 09:31:32 pm »
A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up fucking everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!" Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it." So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice.

This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it! What sould I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #613 on: April 28, 2007, 10:21:00 pm »
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star."
 
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...
You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. in side the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name.

I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
 

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #614 on: April 29, 2007, 09:17:32 am »
{There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.}

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

 

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

 

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

 

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.  The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.........

 


Up yer passage !

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #615 on: April 30, 2007, 06:24:24 pm »
 An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What

  can I do for you?"

  The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

  The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly

  couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

  When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong

  with the way you have intercourse. He thanks them for coming, he wishes

  them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.

  The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to

  watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

  This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have

  intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

  Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,

  but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

  The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married

  and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.The

  Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50,

  and I get £43 back from BUPA     :o
Up yer passage !

Online Mark

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #616 on: April 30, 2007, 08:05:37 pm »
Another one we've heard before Mr Fell, posted by rhychydwr1 last October

Offline ditzy

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #617 on: April 30, 2007, 11:04:48 pm »
A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is
sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!
Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to
gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and
proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he
finishes the disgusted bartender says "Why in the hell did you shit on my
bar?" The drunk replies "Even Elvis had to clear his throat!"

Offline Mr Fell

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #618 on: May 01, 2007, 06:15:12 am »
Try this one for size then

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks Up and sees this HUGE Black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the Little guy staring at Him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 Inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown." The White man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking Him. The big guy says, What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little Guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw Your curious look and figured I'd just give you the Answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch Private, my testicles Weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around.

 :tease:
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Offline Billy Butcombe

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #619 on: May 01, 2007, 01:19:30 pm »
Ha Ha Ha  :clap2:

Walrus

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #620 on: May 01, 2007, 09:12:54 pm »
A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100. When the farmer drove up the next day to deliver the animal he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he died on the way over." "Well”, said young Gordon, “Just give me my money back." "I can't do that”, said the farmer, “I've spent it already." "OK no problem” said Gordon, “Unload the donkey anyway." "What are you going to do with him?" the farmer asked. Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a time, and made a huge profit!" Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you’d stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner. I gave him his £2 ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, he thought I was a great guy!"

Moral

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

So, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life,
think again because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey!

Offline Peter Burgess

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #621 on: May 02, 2007, 08:56:43 am »
It might disappoint or delight you to learn that this 'story' was doing the rounds some years ago with the name 'Nigel' in place of 'Gordon'.

Walrus

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #622 on: May 02, 2007, 09:26:38 am »
Some things never change!

Offline graham

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #623 on: May 02, 2007, 11:31:08 am »
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...


















"You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?"
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Offline Brains

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #624 on: May 02, 2007, 11:43:24 am »
Errm, what is this thing called "golf"

 

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