Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing. (Read 1317840 times)

hoehlenforscher · « **Reply #6050 on:** June 14, 2018, 04:28:52 pm »

I hope that one day we can rid the world of plagiarism.

You may say I’m a dreamer but I’m not the only one.

hoehlenforscher · « **Reply #6051 on:** June 14, 2018, 04:29:15 pm »

I took two stuffed dogs onto “Flog It.”
The expert examined them and said,”They’re a fine example of the celebrated Johns Brothers of London.Taxidermists whose work is very sought after.”
“Do you know what they might fetch if they were in good condition?”asks the expert.
I said, “Yes. Sticks”

hoehlenforscher · « **Reply #6052 on:** June 14, 2018, 04:29:41 pm »

I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbit’s feet earlier, trying to get it up a hill.

I thought, he’s pushing his luck.

martinb · « **Reply #6053 on:** June 14, 2018, 05:06:39 pm »

Please, please, please, can we have a 'groan' button!

andys · « **Reply #6054 on:** June 14, 2018, 06:19:57 pm »

My boss says he's going to fire anyone with bad posture. I've a hunch it might be me.

hoehlenforscher · « **Reply #6055 on:** June 20, 2018, 12:19:56 pm »

My friend took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.

It cost him £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...

Dickie · « **Reply #6056 on:** June 21, 2018, 03:29:01 am »

Mum, can I go and play with Grandad?

No, you've dug him up twice this week already!

andys · « **Reply #6057 on:** June 21, 2018, 11:35:25 am »

In the jungle, a group of explorers hear distant drumming, and their native bearers suddenly seem very afraid.
The expedition's leader asks them, "What's going on?"
A native bearer replies, "Very, very bad when drumming stops."
So the leader asks, "Why, what happens then?"
The bearer explains, "Bass solo starts."

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6058 on:** June 22, 2018, 01:39:34 pm »

A man and a woman are getting ready to go to a partty...

Woman - “Does this dress make me look fat?”

Man - “Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?”

Woman - “Yes, I promise!”

Man - “I fucked your sister”

Laurie · « **Reply #6059 on:** June 23, 2018, 01:10:02 am »

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6060 on:** June 24, 2018, 11:12:36 am »

My girlfriend asked me "If you could have a threesome, which of my friends you would choose?"

Turns out I was only supposed to name one, not two.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6061 on:** June 24, 2018, 04:31:26 pm »

I noticed my first grey pubic hair today. I wouldn't normally be bothered, but it was in my Big Mac.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6062 on:** June 26, 2018, 08:55:02 am »

To my American friends:

If you think that Mexico is only sending drug dealers and rapists, and worry that Mexicans are going to take your job...

What the hell do you do for a living?

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6063 on:** June 29, 2018, 09:09:24 am »

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

You may be entitled to personal Ian Dury compensation.

Laurie · « **Reply #6064 on:** June 29, 2018, 10:13:24 am »

Laurie · « **Reply #6065 on:** June 29, 2018, 10:16:19 am »

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian goalkeeper personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Russia.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6066 on:** July 01, 2018, 08:30:53 pm »

Proof that women do things just to start an argument.
My wife rang me at work today and said "I've not had time to start tea, do you fancy going out for some?".
"Yeah that sounds good" I replied.
When I got home from the restaurant there she was sat at the kitchen table, with a face like thunder.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6067 on:** July 01, 2018, 08:53:02 pm »

When the wife asked me to list all the girls I'd slept with, it turns out I should have stopped once I got to her in the list.

andys · « **Reply #6068 on:** July 01, 2018, 11:53:16 pm »

My missus said to me "You only fancy sex with me when you're drunk!"

"Not always true." I replied, "Sometimes I fancy a kebab."

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6069 on:** July 07, 2018, 08:45:25 pm »

My pet lizard was getting really stressed so I gave him some Valium. Now he's a calmer calmer calmer chameleon.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6070 on:** July 08, 2018, 10:07:02 am »

Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on their ships?

So when they return they can Scandinavian.

Laurie · « **Reply #6071 on:** July 08, 2018, 12:26:27 pm »

Tony, they're getting worse.

...........Keep 'em coming.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6072 on:** July 08, 2018, 04:32:52 pm »

I bought the wife a hampster-skin coat to go to Blackpool in. Now I can't get her off the Big Wheel.

Alex · « **Reply #6073 on:** July 09, 2018, 01:45:54 pm »

Hey the scan the navy in joke was one of mine, I came up with it looking at the boats in the docks in Reykjavik, has it spread that quickly? Does your mum go to Iceland?

langcliffe · « **Reply #6074 on:** July 09, 2018, 02:23:32 pm »

Quote from: Alex on July 09, 2018, 01:45:54 pm

Hey the scan the navy in joke was one of mine, I came up with it looking at the boats in the docks in Reykjavik, has it spread that quickly? Does your mum go to Iceland?

Probably a case of great minds think alike, as it made an appearance on the web in September 2015.