Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1234866 times)

Offline Cave_Troll

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1602
  • SUSS
    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/cave_troll/
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6500 on: September 11, 2019, 01:14:23 pm »
If money does not grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Of course money grows on trees. Where do you think paper comes from?
Notes are plastic these days.
Before they were plastic the paper was made of cotton / linen and not wood fibres

Online andys

  • Outside its dropped to under zero, but I'm warm on here as a
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1429
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6501 on: September 11, 2019, 05:51:20 pm »
Masked men have hijacked a shipment of Viagra. Police say they are looking for hardened criminals.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline crickleymal

  • junky
  • ****
  • Posts: 933
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6502 on: September 12, 2019, 03:01:03 am »
If money does not grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Of course money grows on trees. Where do you think paper comes from?
Notes are plastic these days.
Before they were plastic the paper was made of cotton / linen and not wood fibres
You had to be literal didn't you!
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline GarDouth

  • Gary Douthwaite
  • Administrator
  • addict
  • *****
  • Posts: 144
  • YCC, YUCPC & NPC
    • York Caving Club
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6503 on: September 13, 2019, 11:45:26 am »
I was in Tesco today and someone threw a block of cheese at me!
It wasn't very mature.
York Caving Club secretary
BCA, CNCC & HE webmaster
NPC & YUCPC member

Offline GarDouth

  • Gary Douthwaite
  • Administrator
  • addict
  • *****
  • Posts: 144
  • YCC, YUCPC & NPC
    • York Caving Club
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6504 on: September 13, 2019, 04:45:40 pm »
I had a job drilling holes for water – it was well boring.
York Caving Club secretary
BCA, CNCC & HE webmaster
NPC & YUCPC member

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2551
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6505 on: September 15, 2019, 09:47:26 am »
Those new plastic £5 notes are supposed to last longer than the old paper ones, but last night, by the time I'd bought a pint of real ale and a bag of crisps, it was completely gone.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Tricky Dicky

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 25
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6506 on: September 17, 2019, 03:19:50 pm »
An 85-year-old caver was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."*

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.*

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first*I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.*

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between Her knees, but still nothing.'*

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'*

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2551
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6507 on: September 18, 2019, 01:12:17 pm »
“Will I be OK doc?”
“I doubt it - Mercury is in Uranus”
“I don't believe in that astrology stuff!”
“Nether do I - my thermometer just broke”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Laurie

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2066
  • Tony from Suffolk can't see me.
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6508 on: September 19, 2019, 10:42:40 am »
I went to the zoo the other day.

It only had one dog.

It was a shih tzu.
MNRC

Offline GarDouth

  • Gary Douthwaite
  • Administrator
  • addict
  • *****
  • Posts: 144
  • YCC, YUCPC & NPC
    • York Caving Club
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6509 on: September 20, 2019, 10:39:13 am »
I’ve decided to stop masturbating, since then I’ve not really felt myself.
York Caving Club secretary
BCA, CNCC & HE webmaster
NPC & YUCPC member

Offline rhychydwr1

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3255
  • The Mayor of Cwm Parc
    • http://www.showcaves.com
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6510 on: September 21, 2019, 09:39:47 am »
I fell very draprest    Can any body help me?

Offline crickleymal

  • junky
  • ****
  • Posts: 933
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6511 on: September 21, 2019, 08:28:23 pm »
I fell very draprest    Can any body help me?

??
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Online Laurie

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2066
  • Tony from Suffolk can't see me.
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6512 on: September 22, 2019, 01:25:27 am »
MNRC

Offline Maj

  • junky
  • ****
  • Posts: 845
  • MNRC, ATLAS, CPC.
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6513 on: September 22, 2019, 09:36:54 am »
I fell very draprest    Can any body help me?


Just pull yourself together


Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2551
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6514 on: September 23, 2019, 07:28:29 pm »
 “I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which would you like first?”
“I’ll have the good news first”
“You have 24 hours to live”
“That’s the good news?! What’s the bad news?”
“I should have told you yesterday “
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2551
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6515 on: September 26, 2019, 01:32:01 pm »
My wife reckons I drink too much whisky, which came as a bit of a shock - I didn’t even realise I had a wife!
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline GarDouth

  • Gary Douthwaite
  • Administrator
  • addict
  • *****
  • Posts: 144
  • YCC, YUCPC & NPC
    • York Caving Club
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6516 on: September 26, 2019, 03:19:57 pm »
I'm worried about one of my testicles. It's larger than the other two.
York Caving Club secretary
BCA, CNCC & HE webmaster
NPC & YUCPC member

Offline blackshiver

  • menacing presence
  • **
  • Posts: 199
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6517 on: September 26, 2019, 06:20:00 pm »
That joke’s bollocks.
I have a plan so cunning you could pin a tail on it and call it a Weasel.

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2551
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6518 on: September 27, 2019, 08:46:14 pm »
I walked into the newsagents and asked if they sold Oyster Cards.
The cashier said, “For the bus?”
I said, “No, it’s my oyster’s birthday.”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline TheBitterEnd

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1470
  • KCC
    • KCC - Join an active club
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6519 on: September 29, 2019, 10:12:01 pm »

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.




One to promise a brighter future & the other to screw it up.
 
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2551
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6520 on: September 30, 2019, 07:52:41 am »
I bought my friends some goldfish, but they all died 2 weeks later. I wasn't that bothered though, as it meant I got to keep all their fish.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Laurie

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2066
  • Tony from Suffolk can't see me.
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6521 on: October 03, 2019, 09:57:59 am »
A man was seen stealing the wheels from police cars in Mendip this morning.
Police are working tirelessly to find him
MNRC

Offline GarDouth

  • Gary Douthwaite
  • Administrator
  • addict
  • *****
  • Posts: 144
  • YCC, YUCPC & NPC
    • York Caving Club
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6522 on: October 03, 2019, 04:14:53 pm »
I noticed there is a competition for 'World's best sexual contortionist', so I've entered myself.
York Caving Club secretary
BCA, CNCC & HE webmaster
NPC & YUCPC member

Offline crickleymal

  • junky
  • ****
  • Posts: 933
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6523 on: October 03, 2019, 07:24:32 pm »
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline TheBitterEnd

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1470
  • KCC
    • KCC - Join an active club
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6524 on: October 03, 2019, 08:54:39 pm »
Bad news for dyslexics

on the 27th of October your cocks go black
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain