Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1251037 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2576
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6600 on: December 24, 2019, 09:55:35 pm »
I keep singing Diamonds are Forever around the home and winking at my wife. That way the car mats will be an even bigger surprise.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2576
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6601 on: December 25, 2019, 03:05:57 pm »
My girlfriend told me she'd slept with seven people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2576
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6602 on: December 29, 2019, 10:37:06 am »
The only thing my wife can cook is toast. Still, at least I get three square meals a day.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2576
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6603 on: January 01, 2020, 06:08:44 pm »
I was asked to run a marathon and I said, “No chance.”
Then I was told it was for disabled and blind kids and I thought, “Sod it. I could win that!”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2576
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6604 on: January 04, 2020, 03:45:28 pm »
Killing a French vampire is hard work. Wooden stakes are no use. You have to drive a baguette through its heart. It's painstaking.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

  • Outside its dropped to under zero, but I'm warm on here as a
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1458
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6605 on: January 04, 2020, 05:39:09 pm »
Christmas these days is a lot like having sex. The build-up is great, but when you look back afterwards you always regret spending all that money.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2576
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6606 on: January 06, 2020, 08:02:54 am »
It was 12 years ago today that my mate James came running out of the room shouting “It’s a boy, it’s a boy!”, with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand after that.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

  • Outside its dropped to under zero, but I'm warm on here as a
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1458
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6607 on: January 12, 2020, 12:09:27 pm »
Is it true that "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"? Or is it one of Granny's myths?
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2576
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6608 on: January 13, 2020, 08:09:27 am »
Eight times this month, my blind uncle has fallen out of the tree in his garden.
Three or four times, he’s fallen off the neighbours’ extension and twice he’s got stuck under a car.
Today though he got stuck in a gap in the fence, and the stress of it finally killed him.
This has caused me a major headache, happening so soon after Christmas.

Not only do I have to arrange the funeral and everything, but i’ve also got to find a new home for his guide cat.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2079
  • Tony from Suffolk can't see me.
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6609 on: January 13, 2020, 11:47:18 am »
Quote from: tony from suffolk link=topic=1474.msg317295#msg317295 date=157890296 i’ve also got to find a new home for his guide cat.
[/quote

MNRC

Offline crickleymal

  • junky
  • ****
  • Posts: 951
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6610 on: January 13, 2020, 03:40:44 pm »
Les Barker, I've seen him at a couple of folk festivals,  always good fun.
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline GarDouth

  • Gary Douthwaite
  • Administrator
  • addict
  • *****
  • Posts: 147
  • YCC, YUCPC & NPC
    • York Caving Club
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6611 on: January 16, 2020, 01:13:11 pm »
Went swimming today. Had a pee in the deep end.

Lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
York Caving Club secretary
BCA, CNCC & HE webmaster
NPC & YUCPC member

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2576
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6612 on: January 17, 2020, 07:51:55 am »
I went to the optician for an eye test yesterday.
I sat down in the big chair and he started the test.
He pointed and said, "what's that?"
And I said, "it's a printer."
And he pointed again and said, "and that?"
And I said, "it's a mouse."
And he pointed again and said, "and this is...?"
And I replied, "a USB flash drive."
"OK," he said, "so there's nothing wrong with your peripheral vision."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Maj

  • junky
  • ****
  • Posts: 862
  • MNRC, ATLAS, CPC.
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6613 on: January 19, 2020, 10:58:07 pm »
Spotted a book the other day

"How to solve 50% of your financial worries"

So I bought two copies.

Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline andys

  • Outside its dropped to under zero, but I'm warm on here as a
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1458
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6614 on: Yesterday at 05:00:00 pm »
My mate suggested that we change our names by deed poll.

"I'll change mine to 'Pheasant'", he said, "and you change yours to 'Grouse'."

"Fine", I replied, "I'm game if you are."
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.