Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
- Thread starter Mrs Trellis
- Start date
Billy Butcombe
New member
`Mummy mummy - do they have xmas decorations in Vietnam'.
` Yes dear - this year they are hanging Glitter' !!!
` Yes dear - this year they are hanging Glitter' !!!
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
Man making love to a woman of very loose morals, she suddenly says :-
"Hey, you haven't got AIDS have you ?"
"Certainly not !" said the passionate love maker
"Good" she says "Wouldn't want that again !"
"Hey, you haven't got AIDS have you ?"
"Certainly not !" said the passionate love maker
"Good" she says "Wouldn't want that again !"
danthecavingman
Member
Bad news, George Best has entered his final hour. Good news! It's Happy Hour!
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
"When you die and go to Heaven...which part of
your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
"When you die and go to Heaven...which part of
your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
I know its not quite Friday - but what the hell ............ Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his seventy-two years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah 'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. "Let ' s go back tae mah place." So they go back to her place and had great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that wash good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold
ma bawlsh in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but agrees anyway.
Sean sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.
Then Sean says, "Lulu, that wash wonderful, but if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my bawlsh in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand ".
Lulu is now used to the routine and complies.
The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer bawls in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin? "
Sean replies, " No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole ma wallet.
Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah 'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. "Let ' s go back tae mah place." So they go back to her place and had great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that wash good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold
ma bawlsh in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but agrees anyway.
Sean sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.
Then Sean says, "Lulu, that wash wonderful, but if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my bawlsh in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand ".
Lulu is now used to the routine and complies.
The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer bawls in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin? "
Sean replies, " No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole ma wallet.
cave junky
New member
There were two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a simple gesture, brings them both to life.
The angel tells them 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as giggling sounds come from the rustling bushes.
After fifteen minutes the two return out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them 'You still have fifteen minutes left.'
The male statue asks the woman statue, 'Would you like to do it again?'
'Oh yes. Let's,' she replies. 'But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poo on its head!!'
(Taken from http://www.virginradio.co.uk/thestation/25000_joke.html)
Ally
The angel tells them 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as giggling sounds come from the rustling bushes.
After fifteen minutes the two return out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them 'You still have fifteen minutes left.'
The male statue asks the woman statue, 'Would you like to do it again?'
'Oh yes. Let's,' she replies. 'But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poo on its head!!'
(Taken from http://www.virginradio.co.uk/thestation/25000_joke.html)
Ally
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
A blonde in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
" Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the blonde:-
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The main stud was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was Swedish ."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and present her to the girl, who immediately gives the baby a smack on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
" Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the blonde:-
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The main stud was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was Swedish ."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and present her to the girl, who immediately gives the baby a smack on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
Billy Butcombe
New member
You sicko Mr Fell
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a
sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off
his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
about.
"Was the other Indian crazy or what?"
The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening, If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw
in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
from deep inside He also tore off his clothes and ran into the
opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the
huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some
really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening
and hollered with all his might.....
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO,
WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!
sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off
his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
about.
"Was the other Indian crazy or what?"
The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening, If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw
in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
from deep inside He also tore off his clothes and ran into the
opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the
huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some
really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening
and hollered with all his might.....
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO,
WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!
W
wallop
Guest
Ted came home from the club late one Friday evening stinking drunk,
as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Ted, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter".
Ted was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
To live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back
straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can
only send you back as a dog or a hen." Ted was devasted, but knowing there
was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A
flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking
the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange
feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are
you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Ted, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Ted
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out
from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first
time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness wasoverwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever
happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an
enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Ted,
wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"
as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Ted, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter".
Ted was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
To live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back
straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can
only send you back as a dog or a hen." Ted was devasted, but knowing there
was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A
flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking
the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange
feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are
you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Ted, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Ted
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out
from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first
time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness wasoverwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever
happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an
enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Ted,
wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"
D
davepinch
Guest
Every morning this big German Sheppard come's and has a crap on my lawn...... the bastard... this morning.... he brought his dog with him..
Sorry
Sorry
W
wallop
Guest
Like the German shepperd joke, nice one.
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says .....
"Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says .....
"Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."