Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
- Thread starter Mrs Trellis
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danthecavingman
Member
danthecavingman
Member
A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you "
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"
"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."
The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."
She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."
> She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?
"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"
"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."
The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."
She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."
> She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?
"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"
One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair,he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said.
"We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is
drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all
over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer,
no biggie. You're already dead, remember?""Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well,
you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't
mean..." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
big bowl of crack, or smack. You can do all the drugs you want,you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
As he was wallowing in despair,he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said.
"We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is
drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all
over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer,
no biggie. You're already dead, remember?""Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well,
you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't
mean..." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
big bowl of crack, or smack. You can do all the drugs you want,you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
AndyF
New member
A Microsoft marketing exec died and went up to the pearly gates. St.Peter says, "Well, which do you want Heaven or Hell?"
The exec looked surprised. What, you mean I get to choose...?"
"Sure", says St Peter. We've learned a lot from all the Microsoft exec's we've had here. Customer Choice, thats what it's all about. Waht's better is you get to try out before choosing, how about few days in Hell?"
"And then I come back?"
"Sure" says St Peter. "After 30 days, you'll be back here"
"...er... well o.k"
In a flash he was in hell, but looking around there was a beach with a few girls in bikini. Someone came up to him and gave him a cigar, and a pina collada. There music, warm sunshine. It was great. A girl ran up to him, hugged him and said "Welcome to hell"
"This isn't right", he says, this can't be hell!"
"It sure is says the girl, you don't want to believe the rumours, this is a top quality product!, You'll love it. If it was horrid, no one would stay."
Thirty days later, the exec was all mellow, he had a couple of girlfriends, drinks on tap, a beach hut. It was great. Then, suddenly whoosh! He was back at the gates with St.Peter.
"Well" says St Peter, "want to try heaven now? It's a competitor product"
"No way, says the exec, Hell is for me. It was great"
"Are you SURE" says St.Peter, you can't change your mind....
"No, No" says the exec, "I'm certain"
BANG!
Suddenly we was embroiled in flame, puss and extructiating pain. Flames all around. Darkness. The cackling laughter of a thousand tormented souls. This was truly hell...
He shouted up to St.Peter.
"What happened, where are the girls, where's my drink? Whats happened to all the stuff I saw...?"
"Ahhhhhhh" he heard St.Peter call down.... "you must have seen the demo version...."
The exec looked surprised. What, you mean I get to choose...?"
"Sure", says St Peter. We've learned a lot from all the Microsoft exec's we've had here. Customer Choice, thats what it's all about. Waht's better is you get to try out before choosing, how about few days in Hell?"
"And then I come back?"
"Sure" says St Peter. "After 30 days, you'll be back here"
"...er... well o.k"
In a flash he was in hell, but looking around there was a beach with a few girls in bikini. Someone came up to him and gave him a cigar, and a pina collada. There music, warm sunshine. It was great. A girl ran up to him, hugged him and said "Welcome to hell"
"This isn't right", he says, this can't be hell!"
"It sure is says the girl, you don't want to believe the rumours, this is a top quality product!, You'll love it. If it was horrid, no one would stay."
Thirty days later, the exec was all mellow, he had a couple of girlfriends, drinks on tap, a beach hut. It was great. Then, suddenly whoosh! He was back at the gates with St.Peter.
"Well" says St Peter, "want to try heaven now? It's a competitor product"
"No way, says the exec, Hell is for me. It was great"
"Are you SURE" says St.Peter, you can't change your mind....
"No, No" says the exec, "I'm certain"
BANG!
Suddenly we was embroiled in flame, puss and extructiating pain. Flames all around. Darkness. The cackling laughter of a thousand tormented souls. This was truly hell...
He shouted up to St.Peter.
"What happened, where are the girls, where's my drink? Whats happened to all the stuff I saw...?"
"Ahhhhhhh" he heard St.Peter call down.... "you must have seen the demo version...."
BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY
The experience of spending one entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
SINBAD
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND
That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"
JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nowt in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo !Oo !Oo!
Aa !Aa !Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager)
PEARLHARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)
PICASSO BUM
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks
SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person
TART FUEL
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women
URI GELLER
See Nelson Mandela (above)
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY
The experience of spending one entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
SINBAD
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND
That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"
JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nowt in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo !Oo !Oo!
Aa !Aa !Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager)
PEARLHARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)
PICASSO BUM
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks
SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person
TART FUEL
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women
URI GELLER
See Nelson Mandela (above)
ian mckenzie
New member
We have them in Canada as well, tho they are much thicker but do not last as long...Mr Fell said:
cap n chris
Well-known member
IGNORAMUS: an unintelligent person
IGNORANUS: an unintelligent person who is also an asshole.
IGNORANUS: an unintelligent person who is also an asshole.
Potentially and Realistically....
A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heart beat! Are you nuts?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a poof."
A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heart beat! Are you nuts?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a poof."
W
wallop
Guest
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase
some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown
several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He
opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and
takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go
upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't
put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it
tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a
pose.
Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for
$500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Friday
some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown
several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He
opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and
takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go
upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't
put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it
tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a
pose.
Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for
$500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Friday
R
RM
Guest
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots.
They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell "Only 51 days!"
The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by "Only 51 days"? One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 Days..... and on the box it said 4-7 years!"
They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell "Only 51 days!"
The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by "Only 51 days"? One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 Days..... and on the box it said 4-7 years!"
graham
New member
A blonde buys a lottery ticket and heads home to watch the draw on TV. Every single number matches her ticket and she jumps up and down in joy having won £8.2m. The next day she heads back to the shop to ask for her prize money.
"Sorry luv" says the shopkeeper, "we can't pay out prizes that big, you have to head to the lottery headquarters in London."
"London!" exclaims the blonde, "I can't afford a train ticket all the way to London, I want a refund!"
"Sorry luv" says the shopkeeper, "we can't pay out prizes that big, you have to head to the lottery headquarters in London."
"London!" exclaims the blonde, "I can't afford a train ticket all the way to London, I want a refund!"
W
wallop
Guest
CHINESE SICK LEAVE
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife
and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I go to
work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I
feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife
and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I go to
work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I
feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."