Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[tony from suffolk]

The current trend amongst gangs is to use bull terriers instead of knives. I tried it, but I kept getting hairs all over my toast.

 

[Laurie]

If you weigh a whale at a whale weigh station, where do you weigh a pie?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Some where, over the rainbow, weigh a pie…..

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[tony from suffolk]

I told my wife I was going to buy her a diamond ring for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would please me more." So I went for that option instead.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I was offered a job as a noise abatement officer. I turned it down.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I know loads of jokes about cash machines… I just can't think of one atm!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when the police pull him over.
They smell alcohol on the priest's breath. “Have you been drinking?"
“Just water," says the priest. The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest says: "Good Lord He's done it again!”

 

[Graigwen]

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when the police pull him over.
They smell alcohol on the priest's breath. “Have you been drinking?"
“Just water," says the priest. The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest says: "Good Lord He's done it again!”

I wonder if Mrs Trellis remembers Father Fitz from his Aber days. He was the local Catholic priest, Irish of course. He had an apparently miraculous abality to turn up uninvited after midnight at any especially drunken and rowdy party involving any of his flock. He always appeared sober, and just chatted to partygoers on random subjects for half and hour or so.

.

.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I wonder if Mrs Trellis remembers Father Fitz from his Aber days. He was the local Catholic priest, Irish of course. He had an apparently miraculous abality to turn up uninvited after midnight at any especially drunken and rowdy party involving any of his flock. He always appeared sober, and just chatted to partygoers on random subjects for half and hour or so.

.

.

Like Quasimodo the name rings a bell - but only a tiny one.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Badman & Robbing

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said, "Son, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock."

Worst advice ever. I could hardly run!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer songwriter. Or sew it seams.

 

[RobinGriffiths]

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

 

[tony from suffolk]

Badman & Robbing

Johnson is looking shattered. He could do with arrest.

 

[GarDouth]

My washing machine broke down the other day and we had to get a bloke out to fix it.
I was shocked too, and still don't understand why he was in there.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I'm having a plant based meal tonight.

I'm gonna plant my arse in front of the tele and order a takeaway.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Growing up I realised we weren't well off as a family, only as an adult did I realise how poor we were.
For a family day out we would visit the dogs home with absolutely no intention of bringing a dog home with us.
It was our equivalent of visiting the zoo.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A man was seriously injured today after being run over by a reversing car...

Police are appealing for the driver to come forward!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

From the Uxbridge English dictionary:- Lambasted : sheep born out of wedlock.

 

[RobinGriffiths]

Another one from the Uxbridge..

Inaccurate - Sexy shenanigans with a lower member of the clergy.