Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me £15.
Instead I gave my suit to the charity shop next door.
They cleaned and pressed it, and put it in the window.
I bought it for £4.50!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

So I dropped a tenner today, the wind blew it, and I chased it for miles...
I never caught it but at least I had a good run for my money!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex…

Which probably explains his short-lived career as a boxer!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Just done some more work on his grave ..........

he still thinks it's a pond.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

To be fair, Ukraine could've entered Gary Glitter singing "My lovely horse" and still won the song contest!

 

[tony from suffolk]

My wife knows how to show me a good time.
She often points at people and says "look, they're having a good time".

 

[Mrs Trellis]

He asked me, "Do you know any tennis puns?"
I said "No, they're not really my forte love!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Just finished converting my car to electric.
Swapped the petrol engine for the motor from a tumble drier…
Now I'm taking it for a spin!

 

[andys]

I'm not sure what the fuss is all about - I've had an electric car for years. Its got electric lights, electric wipers and an electric music system. And it even has a built-in diesel generator to keep them all working.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Being a waiter isn't the most glamorous job but it puts food on the table!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a screwdriver… Turned a few heads!

 

[Mr Mike]

Mummy, mummy can I lick the bowl. No you can flush it like everyone else.

 

[Brains]

Mummy mummy - Daddy's going out!
Well put some more petrol on him then

Mummy mummy, can I play with Nana?
No, leave the bones alone!

Mummy mummy, why do I always run in circles?
Be quiet or I will nail your other foot to the floor...

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Mummy mummy - can I have a glass of water please?
No - you only had one a minute ago - why do you want another?
Because my bedroom's on fire.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I've just had confirmation that I am banned from Cunard cruise ships after that whole Poop deck misunderstanding

 

[tony from suffolk]

I've got a new job as a guillotine operator - I'll beheading there shortly.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put milk back in the fridge!

 

[andys]

When the missus says "I'm going to say this just once..." you know for a fact that she's fibbing.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Just had an argument with the manager of McDonalds... What a fucking clown!

 

[Alex]

"fucking clown" brings up some very horrible mental images! though I am sure that is someone's sexual fantasy.