Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Martin Wright]

Six year old kid looking at Mom's ID card.

Sex: F

He laughs.

Mom: "What's so funny?"

Kid: "I can't believe you're so bad in sex that you failed in it."

Husband died laughing.

 

[tony from suffolk]

 

[Tricky Dicky]

I was in the door and door furniture section of my local Homebase and was surprised to see you are now able to build you own Jacob Rees-Mogg. The display said, 'Premium Victorian Knob' kit.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[tony from suffolk]

My wife tried one of those mud-packs to make her more attractive. It worked for a while, but then it fell off.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My dog ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles. Left him with the vet. But still no word yet.

 

[GarDouth]

So I went to the hospital today and I said: "I've been bitten by a wolf."
Doctor said: "Where?”
I said: "No just an ordinary one".

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Barry Cryer's last joke - as given away free by his son in the Sunday Times Culture section today :-

A husband and wife are sat a café.
"That's the Archbishop of Canterbury isn't it?" says the husband - "Go over and ask him"
So the wife nips across the road and says -
"Excuse me , but are you the Archbishop of Canterbury?"
"f*** off" replies the stranger
The wife returns to her husband who says
"Well, what did he say?"
"He told me to f*** off" she says,
"Oh dear", he says, "Now we'll never know"

 

[andys]

Two brothers were discussing which of their wives was the fittest. I won't go into the nitty gritty but the one who did a daily jog up Snowdon seemed to come out of it as favourite.

 

[alanw]

Neil Parish has quit as an MP after searching for "Tractor Porn". The question is: did he watch the whole video or just the trailer?

 

[RobinGriffiths]

Living on a farm, you'd have thought he'd have plenty of hedges in which to find old-fashioned paper porn mags.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

What happened to the blind circumciser? He got the sack!

 

[pwhole]

What happened to the blind circumciser? He got the sack!

What a schmuck.

 

[Alex]

This is an old(ish) one in that this joke would work better in early 2000s.

I was being lazy and had to take both my recyclables out, so I took both at once. I was really struggling carrying the two bins at once, and almost got the the curb when suddenly, the next thing I knew I was swarmed by anti-terror police! It turns out they thought I was bin-laden.

 

[Fulk]

Re-cycling your jokes as well, huh?

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I've begun investing heavily in beef, chicken and vegetable stocks. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[GarDouth]

My neighbour’s pet snake’s somehow managed to climb into my freezer.
I’m not sure how to break the news to him.
I think I’ll just give it to him straight.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Headstone of Britain's oldest man discovered - he was 184 and his name was Miles and he came from London:-

 

[Mrs Trellis]