Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I said, "You aren't my usual dentist." He said, "I'm just filling in!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don't know either!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

We were so poor growing up we couldn't afford shoes... I would wrap my feet in bubble wrap and pop to the shops!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

PoundStretcher is merging with M&S… The new company will be called Stretch Marks!

 

[Fulk]

Are you bidding to take over from tony from suffolk, Mrs T?

 

[wormster]

I make no apologies .

A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .

"I vish to buy sex viz you."

"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."

Helmut agrees.

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."

The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.

"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."

This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.

"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."

She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).

But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it's several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"

"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique"

 

[tony from suffolk]

Sad to learn that Mr Potato Head is in such bad health - apparently, he's developed a brain tuber.

 

[tony from suffolk]

The UK's no 1 ventriloquist is celebrating tonight after his wife gave birth to a 7lb 10oz gouncing gagy goy.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

It only takes me five minutes to walk to the pub - and twenty minutes to walk home.
The difference is staggering.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

This trend of idiots running onto football pitches needs to stop sharpish.
It's only a matter of time before someone does it at Old Trafford and gets Man of the Match!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I'm not saying my local is rough but the first question in last night's quiz was :-
"What the f*** are you looking at?"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Back to football:-

 

[Fulk]

"Honestly, I can't think of a single reason not to do it." Well, you might run into one of your own team-mates and injure them.

 

[Roger W]

"Honestly, I can't think of a single reason not to do it." Well, you might run into one of your own team-mates and injure them.

"To me, Jim! Pass the ball to me!"

"Where are you, Fred?"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said,
"How many potatoes would you like?" I said, "Ooh, I'll just have one please."
She said, "It's OK, you don't have to be polite."
"Alright," I said. "I'll just have one then, you stupid bitch!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I can count on the finger of one hand the number of times I’ve used a chainsaw when drunk

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband,
"I must confess darling, I used to be a hooker."
He says, "That's a bit of a shock dear, but I must admit, I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it."
She replies, "Well, my name was Eric, and I played for Wigan!"

 

[andys]

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… you can hide but you can’t run.