Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Help! My mate's choking on a Quality Street
"The purple one?"
Yes - that's him.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

Bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said ‘Thanks.’

I said don't mention it...

 

[TheBitterEnd]

Apparently its rude to poke someone in the forehead and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you

 

[TheBitterEnd]

Apparently a genuine photo and McDonald's have said they will take down the advert

 

[Mrs Trellis]

The Queen Consort is isolating at Buckingham Palace with Covid-19...

Prince Andrew is isolating at Windsor with Jennifer-14!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Surprise your girlfriend this Valentine's.............

..........introduce her to your wife.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Sophisticated Valentine's meal............

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Paddy's car is running rough so he takes it to a garage.
30 minutes later the mechanic comes out and says to Paddy
"Running sweet as a nut now"
Paddy replies "Will it be ok tomorrow?"
The mechanic says "Oh sure - just shit in the carburetor"
Paddy looks shocked "What - every day?"

 

[Cave_Troll]

The cost of living crisis has reached the point where i can not longer justify heating the cellar


There's nothing as sad as a shivering gimp

 

[TheBitterEnd]

A woman armed with a clipboard and pen approached me in the supermarket today and asked which grooming products I used.

Judging by the look on her face I don’t think she was expecting me to say Facebook and vodka.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I've just had liposuction.............

.......it takes a lot out of you.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[RobinGriffiths]

https://twitter.com/x/status/1628742226237956096

 

[Robert Scott]

https://twitter.com/x/status/1628742226237956096

I've never considered making a bolognese sauce using turnips. I expect a turnip-based bolognese sauce is already available in the taxpayer subsidised restaurants in the Houses of Parliament. Must write to my MP for the recipe.

 

[RobinGriffiths]

They can't get enough of them. Turnips, Swedes, Manglewurzles. They've got hot and cold Woolton Pie on tap. Leave all that salad stuff to the foreigners.