Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[oldfart]

An invisible man married an invisible woman. ...
The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

In Iceland it's illegal to have sex on Christmas Eve......
I don't know about Tesco or ASDA - you'd better check.

 

[pwhole]

Unfortunately also yes for ASDA, and turns out it's not just on Christmas Eve either, but didn't want to push my luck any further. Still, the family's got something to talk about at Christmas dinner now.

 

[tony from suffolk]

I answered the door and said, "Not again, you came last Christmas. Here's a fiver, now clear off, and shut the gate on your way out." Slamming the door behind me.
My wife shouted, "stop being horrible to the carol singers, they're only raising money for charity."
I said, "It wasn't them, it was your Mother."

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My friends name is ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

It's pronounced 'Noel'

 

[Mrs Trellis]

At this time of year, as the family gathers, we raise our glasses to Mum, up there, looking down on us…

We really must get that stairlift fixed!

 

[gardouth]

I hate Christmas. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[dibbler]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A drunk man staggers into a church, sits down in a confession box & says nothing.
The priest coughs to get his attention, but the man says nothing.
The priest knocks on the wall 3 times.
The drunk eventually replies,
"No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A mate of mine owns a pub. He has just been given a signed picture of Harry Kane...

He put it over the bar!

 

[JasonC]

 

[andys]

 

[TheBitterEnd]

I am very pleased to say that despite eating and drinking excessively over the last couple of weeks that I can still fit comfortably into my socks !

 

[andys]

Today, I spotted an albino Dalmation. It was the least I could do.

 

[gardouth]

I spent 4 hours last night making a belt out of herbs.
What a frigging waist of thyme that turned out to be.

 

[cavingbiker]

I spent 4 hours last night making a belt out of herbs.
What a frigging waist of thyme that turned out to be.

Have you tried tying any knots with the belt, a clove hitch perhaps?

 

[Brains]

My Spanish nephew Juan will be 5 this year and has been learning Spanish from birth, yet he doesn't know how to say please............................. I think that's poor for four!

 

[oldfart]

Just got home from the airport. On my way out of the terminal I saw a guy collapsed on the baggage carousel.



I think he's ok though, when I left he was slowly coming 'round.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either!